My mom not being with us was a major bonus. Because she was not a very nurturing or encouraging mom. Not having her around to scold us and dish out harsh words was really a strong boost to our self-confidence. Thinking about it now, I really love my time there. I was being myself, enjoying life and making friends without the slightest conscious effort- a task that feels almost impossible to me now. And I want to cure myself of this "inefficiency". I hate the feeling that there's something lacking in my life, I don't find many things satisfying, and the worse thing is, I often don't find my life satisfying.
I looked it up, keying in all the symptoms that I am feeling, into google. Google told me quite a few useful things:
1. There are many people out there, feeling out of place in social situations, just like me. this is reassuring :)
2. It also provides some possible explanations as to why I am the way I am.
Inborn nature - I was always very sensitive to my environment. I retrospect, as a kid I can recall faint memories of me feeling melancholic, or anxious about things.
What was I so anxious about? why was I constantly worrying? I want to know the answer. I think finding these answers would be the first step to cure myself. I want to be active, I want to live a care-free life, I want to be confident. But subconsciously, I also think it is impossible for me to get there. It seems so out of reach, it kills my spirits.
I think this is a good start to know myself better, and also to treat the problem. Right now I am learning to accept the fact that I have the tendency to feel awkward around people. I must also remind myself constantly, that I should not worry about it, or try to fix it.
The human brain is such a complicated thing. Mine especially. It is definitely configured in the weirdest way! whoever made it must have made a mistake somewhere! I am ultra sensitive, ultra conscious, think way too much, and worry a lot more.
