The truth is, I didn't know myself, at all.
Apparently, what I've imagined myself to be, are never the ones that I can grow up to be one day. What I have condescendingly dismissed as boring and sedentary (a writing career maybe) seems to suit me better, much better than I have thought. There can be many explanations for this illusion:
1. My mental imagination is far more active than my physical activeness, resulting in reality always falling short of expectations.
2. I was blinded and irrational, couldn't sit still for a moment to ponder about the big questions of life :"Who am I?" and "What I want to become?"
3.The de-facto problem doesn't lie in me, but the system I'm working in. The academic curriculum and the non accademic one. Since people play a big part in shaping the system and how I feel about it, and I don't feel really excited about being around the people here, I guess that explains a lot as well.
well, I guess I gotta figure my way out of this illusion: either I activate myself physically to align with my expectation, or I switch my expectation to be in line with my actions. My visions and all those little things that I want to do must be congruent, in tandem with each other through-out the stages of my life. That way the whole thing will culminate into something big, something that will leave behind a legacy after I die.
So should I try first? Try my best to turn the engines on. Not blast it full-force, take it all-out. No, but move on steady, and keep trying till I can't stretch no more.
