A late discovery

I always seemed to be doing things so quick, everything. Like daily chores such as cooking, laundry, or even moving myself-I almost always walk faster than whoever happens to be walking beside me.

It’s like I’m too task-oriented. Finishing things was all that I wanted (but also disliked) doing. I neglected the feelings bit. Now I’m starting to appreciate the beauty of taking it easy, taking it slow.  Regrettably it could’ve happened earlier.

It’s been so long that this habit of wanting results with a snap of the fingers, it has become part of me. It defines every aspect of my life, my work, relationship, social life…I can see now that it’s the reason why certain things are they way they are. Especially the relationship bit.

This trait that’s so deeply ingrained in me, has a lot to do with the growing up experience. 

To go back in time, the first time I heard someone pointing out to me that I was always anxious about things, always seemed to be in a rush, was when I was 13. Such innocent tender time, what’s there to worry about? Well, that’s when I relocated from Shanghai to Singapore, an unsettling experience where I felt totally out of place, unwelcomed and depressed.  Since then I’ve lived by on my own, without parents, with no family. 

I grew anxious and worrisome, because no one’s gonna watch my back. I have to do every single thing by myself. Even today when I look back I cannot believe I’ve gone through so much all on my own, the most crucial ten years that’ll shape a person’s  character and world views.

Circumstances needed me to be strong, to be independent, to think ahead of times and to take up responsibilities prematurely.  It’s like if I wasn’t sleeping, I would be trudging, pulling and tugging and sweating and panting, just to put pieces of my life in what I believed to be their rightful places, so that my life will sail forward, like a small tiny boat overwhelmed by the unpredictable but powerful sea, that was the future.  

Through storm and tides, the lonely sailor must sail the boat forward.

Here I am today, strong willed, independent (too independent to appreciate the value of relationship which is inherently mutually dependent). I’m still subtly anxious when reality doesn’t meet my expectations, and worry endlessly about the unforeseeable future. 

I couldn’t help myself.

But it’s time for me to change, for the better.

I know I no longer need to worry about the future. Because the future has taken form, it's become the present. And because time has blessed me with experience and the coming of age has endowed me with assurance. I’m no longer a powerless kid.

I have perfect control over my future, through my actions. I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed all the times anymore.  And the best gift for myself is to allow myself to do things slowly (or don’t do them at all if I don’t feel like J  ), to be weak occasionally (it’s ok, or even good sometimes to be the weaker party) and let time and nature take their course.

Move slowly, so as to better appreciate the sceneryJ you’re only here briefly, so follow your heart and don't let your worries consume you. J