Love and Hurt

No words can describe how happy I had been during the days that father was here. The house was full of warmth, laughter and a huge sense of security when he was around . Now it feels so empty and quiet.

It is.

There were a lot of emotions under that drape of simplicity one might observe on the surface. Yeah, we laughed our heads off over seemingly meaningless and lame jokes. We reminisced the good memories and cajoled about the bad ones. We treasured every single moment together and made an effort to make every second count , and now I'm just glad that Dad was here for me.

For us.

He did so many things for us. Since day one it seemed more like short term labor contract than a vacation to him: what with house moving, furniture moving and cooking like a stay-at-home Dad? his hands were full all day long and had very little time for himself. He was the cook, the domestic helper, the grocery shopper, the handyman, the laundry man, the cleaner, the mover and lastly, a very very entertaining father!　

I love him deeply and treasure every single moment with him. The wonderful thing is, I feel so much more composed, confident and energetic when he's around: simply happy from all the love and attention he gave me. For the first time in a long time, I felt the magical workings of love and family. If I was undernourished and starved of love from my past, all these missing parts have been filled now by this vacation.

No regrets, no grudge. I am satisfied, and know I am loved.

The Hurt

I have always liked to say "Truth always hurts", ironically, the phrase proves itself on me today. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to please them. I thought about the reasons leading to the never ending cycle of pressure and effort: he pushing me to try harder, convincing me that I should do it in the name of gratitude, me giving it a half-hearted attempt, never really felt that I am doing it on my own will.

There are these and those flaws in me waiting to be corrected. I felt more like a laboratory test subject than someone's girlfriend or daughter-in-law.

I used to think that my love will never waiver despite my friends giving me negative opinions on him and on our relationship. My love for him was so intense that nothing could have stopped me from giving more, not even the incessant pressure and pushing.

But now I just feel exhausted. I would rather I have never been accepted or received the favor. Because having possessed something you treasure and then losing it is worse than never had it in the first place. I have neither the faith in myself, in the relationship to give it one more try.

I don't believe in our love any more.

When someone who you have loved for2 year over thought of dumping you because of some imaginary ideas he cooked up based on his judgmental opinions, you need to think real hard about whether he is worth your heartbreak and whether the relationship is worth another try.

Because you worth less than his imaginary dignity and incredibly low self-esteem.

Because he cares more about saving face than hurting you.

Love had blinded me.

but now I see.