过去的已过去 未来的还未来

这句话 是他给我寄的第一封 也是最后一封信中的一句话
每当夜幕降临 我都会好想念他 或者说 想念我们可以变得更好 更恩爱的可能

脑海中出现的画面并不是回忆 是  我们曾经有过非常美好的回忆
但是那是当初的当初 人是健忘的 有许多事情随着时间的流逝  已经记不清

过去的两年多 聚少离多 即使同在一个城市 缺鲜少分享对方的生活
就像接触频繁的过客 一期一会  总有一个人要对另一个说 拜拜

现在记忆犹新的 恐怕都是糟糕的东西
对方做的不好的事  说过的伤人的话

慢慢 因为过多的消极 感情失去了平衡
分开 似乎成了最自然的东西

我后悔的是 或许我们都可以多做点什么 但是我没有

我想拿起一把螺丝刀 乘着时光机回到过去
修修这里 修修那里
把扭曲的地方 矫正 把那些皱褶  烫平
或许那样 我想象中的可能 真的会成为现实

但是我无能为力 因为过去的已过去  还未来的未来 我们还是会分隔两地

为什么难过

当我环顾四周，这个曾经有过你的空间，我会感慨、会难过。我用想象把虚幻的你，放到我的房间里，想象着如果你看到我现在看到的一切，你会发现我许多可爱的小细节。你会发现我是个值得疼爱，值得拥有你的爱的一个女孩儿。

可惜，有些事只有在已经成为过去式之后，才会变得清晰。而有些人，只能面对这些事，看着事看着人走进回忆之后，才努力变得更好、更动人。

那些坏习惯，那些阻碍过我们的糟粕，只有在我们转身离开后，才从我们身上脱落。曾经它们是多么顽固，现在发现，不过如此而已。

但无奈的是，就算我渐渐蜕变成一个你会更爱的我，我们已经不在一起。你无法品尝到我重生的心，就像河水永远无法知道，在它滋润过的土壤上生长出来的果实，是什么滋味。河水自顾自地奔向遥远的方向，但，这不是你，毕竟你不是离开的那一个。

谁都曾经是青涩的果实。我们互相咬到了对方最苦涩的那一口，痛苦和伤害，就像许久都去不掉的残留，钻到舌根上只能灰溜溜地走。

可是当彼此渐渐成熟的时候，最终把我们摘下的，却已经不是当初的那一个。

Preparing for PSC Scholarship Interview

I had my PSC scholarship interview two years back in March 2012. I understand that it can be one of the most nerve-wrecking interviews faced by hopeful scholars out there, and that there isn't much being shared by people who have gone through them, that's why I'm writing this, in time for the new interview cycle.  (I myself sieved through the Internet for advice, couldn't find much).

Instead of telling you the specific questions to "prepare for", I'm gonna generalize it because, a) obviously they won't ask you the same question, they might, but very unlikely.  b) for you to see the pattern and apply to suit your own case.

You know you'll be faced with 7-8 interviewers, with mainly 2-3 taking turn to ask questions. Your interview should last for 15-20 mins. 

During that time, be prepared to: 

1) Take ANY question that concerns you.

It can be anything associated with you that's reflected on your "report": your choice of uni, country of study, choice of career (most important of all), and even..your background. Every interviewer has pieces of paper laid out in front them, you can imagine what's on there. If they know you've got volunteering experience, it's likely that they'll discuss things relevant to that. This is especially likely if volunteering happens to be the highlights of current affairs at the time. 

what they asked me 

As I was born in Myanmar, the first question they asked after I barely sat down was "Which is the first country that Daw Aung San Su Kyi visited after her release from house arrest". Myanmar's opening up was a hot topic at the time, so it's kind of expected. I can discuss the topic at ease, but the question nearly caught me off guard because it's so specific, I was able to answer it only because I read the news paper at the reception while waiting for my turn. It was on the first page of TODAY, I didn't even had the time to flip. 

Yea sometimes it's luck. It's impossible to know the answer to every question, and the interviewers know it.  So when you don't know the answer, my advice is to be truthful. That's what I did. "Sorry, I don't know". They would want to see how you react to questions you have no answer to. So this lady gave me hints. (the same lady who asked about Aung San Su Kyi ), with her help I got the answer, it's like educated guesswork.  You can make it work for you, by showing that though you've no answer to that, you know the topic enough to make an intelligent guess. Even if it's an incorrect guess, you've demonstrated your ability at rational thinking. :)

2) Take questions on current affairs...

...even if they are million miles away from your field of interests. Of course they're more likely to ask you questions that are relevant to your experience in JC/CCA/Uni course, that is a given, but what differentiates PSC interview from a Ministry interview is this bit. You need to demonstrate that besides your field of interests, you pay attention to what's going on around you in and outside the country, the topics that might arise in the interview vary, depending on your profile. So be prepared to talk about it:) 

What they asked me

the expected: 

At the time of my interview, the euro-zone sovereign debt crisis was unfolding, two days before my interview France elected a new President. Since I wanted to study economics in the UK, they obviously pitched on Europe, we discussed the topic for no less than 10 mins :  why Greece's defaulting on its sovereign debt, France's new president, whether the election will help solve euro-zone's problems..etc. To be honest, a few minutes into the interview, I became rather comfortable and actually enjoyed the discussion. I'll tell you my way of preparing for all these. 

The unexpected:

The expulsion of Bo Xilai, a former Communist Party chief(薄熙来)!! I didn't see this coming at all but did know roughly what happened. So yea, prepared to talk about anything really.

3) To challenge the given 

There isn't a rigid formula, that you must say no less than two sentences to challenge the view of the interviewers. There's no answer to what you should say, when to say it and how. It's hard to strike a balance so you don't come across as overtly defiant. Here you need to trust yourself and rely on your instincts and the social self inside you. They'll ask for your opinions on a few things, as they did me, you need to demonstrate that you are able to think critically, approach the question from another perspective and so on. 

What they asked me.

(with relevance to Bo Xilai's case)     "Is he really wrong? why are many Chinese officials still paying him visits after his arrest?  (he gave a figure)"     I said something along the line of : Is that figure really representative? I just think that Chinese politics is complicated, what we observe may not reflect the underlying intentions. 

4) to discuss your decisions

This is again a given, but it's best to seriously think through them beforehand. Why that uni? why that course? why UK/US/Singapore? Why public service? Not only the big but also the small questions.

I felt  good about my interview because: 

a) I was being honest with my answers. I was honest to say "I don't know" to questions I couldn't answer, also to tell them that I've applied to another private scholarship. They did delve into that and asked why I chose that particular career and what I think about the two (Teaching for PSC). Be truthful about what you think & how you feel. 

b) I was being myself. It wont do you good to pretend like someone you are not, this is true for all interviews in general, not only scholarship ones. 

c) I engaged myself and tried to enjoy the discussion. Don't assume that they are out there to catch you, take their questions as a way to get to know you as a person, then trust yourself and answer them such that your personality, your interests/passion reveal themselves naturally. 

d) I was not trying hard to impress.  Talk only how much you know, especially topics that you are't so sure about. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, if you try too hard to impress on everything, including your weakness, you might lead them into thinking that's your strength and go in-depth on the topic.

What I did before interview: 

It's something we all need to work on, not telling you to "study" for interview, just so that you prime yourself nicely and be ready to shine!  :) I've picked up some advice from someone while researching for my own interview on the net (A big thank you to that unknown soul!), just want to share so more people can benefit, as they've worked for me. 

a) I didn't read much newspaper, instead I tuned in to news channel..

.. when I was at home doing my own random stuff (like cleaning up my room). Because...reading is boring, and I cannot absorb much by reading. Also if you realize, newspaper articles are meant to give a lot of details, date, time, quotes blah blah blah. We might lose focus and in our Kiasu spirit, try to cram in the unnecessary bits. On the other hand, TV channel delivers the news to you in smaller, more concise chunks, in a sweet and friendly female voice that's also appealing to the ears. You can absorb more with less effort! Channel NewAsia is a good option. My favourite is Phoenix TV (凤凰卫视) cuz that's what my dad used to watch every single morning. It's literally the noise backdrop of our household. If you're at home let the news rolling 24/7, the recurring topics they keep discussing on the TV will eventually stick to your brain. (Hopefully)

b) I blogged. 

This I picked up from that unknown soul on the Internet, I'm still thankful to him now. You don't necessarily need to blog, at the time I was already blogging so I naturally used it as a platform.  It's good to write about the decisions you've made, the experiences you've had, concerning your past/future, uni/courses, anything and everything. The process will help you sort out your thoughts, and solidify certain abstract things. In a way, you're finding the answers to those interview questions through reflections. So when they day comes, all you need to do is articulate what you already have in your heart. It's best if you can start doing it one or two months before hand. It's a good habit anyway so I didn't do it only for the interview:) 

Last Piece of advice 

I feel that the biggest take away from my interview is that, you can never perfectly prepare for any interview, and the best preparation you can do is to know yourself, inside out. Some questions may seem simple and the answers straight forward, but perhaps it's only until you give them serious thoughts would you know why certain things are the way they are. 

Good luck!  with lots of love <3

A late discovery

I always seemed to be doing things so quick, everything. Like daily chores such as cooking, laundry, or even moving myself-I almost always walk faster than whoever happens to be walking beside me.

It’s like I’m too task-oriented. Finishing things was all that I wanted (but also disliked) doing. I neglected the feelings bit. Now I’m starting to appreciate the beauty of taking it easy, taking it slow.  Regrettably it could’ve happened earlier.

It’s been so long that this habit of wanting results with a snap of the fingers, it has become part of me. It defines every aspect of my life, my work, relationship, social life…I can see now that it’s the reason why certain things are they way they are. Especially the relationship bit.

This trait that’s so deeply ingrained in me, has a lot to do with the growing up experience. 

To go back in time, the first time I heard someone pointing out to me that I was always anxious about things, always seemed to be in a rush, was when I was 13. Such innocent tender time, what’s there to worry about? Well, that’s when I relocated from Shanghai to Singapore, an unsettling experience where I felt totally out of place, unwelcomed and depressed.  Since then I’ve lived by on my own, without parents, with no family. 

I grew anxious and worrisome, because no one’s gonna watch my back. I have to do every single thing by myself. Even today when I look back I cannot believe I’ve gone through so much all on my own, the most crucial ten years that’ll shape a person’s  character and world views.

Circumstances needed me to be strong, to be independent, to think ahead of times and to take up responsibilities prematurely.  It’s like if I wasn’t sleeping, I would be trudging, pulling and tugging and sweating and panting, just to put pieces of my life in what I believed to be their rightful places, so that my life will sail forward, like a small tiny boat overwhelmed by the unpredictable but powerful sea, that was the future.  

Through storm and tides, the lonely sailor must sail the boat forward.

Here I am today, strong willed, independent (too independent to appreciate the value of relationship which is inherently mutually dependent). I’m still subtly anxious when reality doesn’t meet my expectations, and worry endlessly about the unforeseeable future. 

I couldn’t help myself.

But it’s time for me to change, for the better.

I know I no longer need to worry about the future. Because the future has taken form, it's become the present. And because time has blessed me with experience and the coming of age has endowed me with assurance. I’m no longer a powerless kid.

I have perfect control over my future, through my actions. I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed all the times anymore.  And the best gift for myself is to allow myself to do things slowly (or don’t do them at all if I don’t feel like J  ), to be weak occasionally (it’s ok, or even good sometimes to be the weaker party) and let time and nature take their course.

Move slowly, so as to better appreciate the sceneryJ you’re only here briefly, so follow your heart and don't let your worries consume you. J

Letting Go

That person, with whom you have shared so much memory. Be it pain or bliss, regardless. 

Imagine him whispering songs into your ears in a cold winter. Imagine his warm arms and shoulders, his bear hugs from behind.  Do it for the last time. 

His hug was always firm and tight. That you can’t ever forget. And the wharf of warm air around his neck, how you loved to sniff around there, as if by doing so you can keep a part of him inside you, fusing your souls together through your nose.

You never want to let go, it’s taken you so long.

But now the memories are all that remain. Oh how it tortures you. It rips you apart and then leaves you breathing with one wretched heart and two burning eyes.  So this is how a break up is supposed to be, searing and painful.

But then you guess you are somehow used to it. So many times before you have cried and agonized, for reasons no one can ever remember now. 

After this you gather your feelings and poise yourself to move on, maybe to break down again at the sight of anything related to him. Then you fall back into that miserable, muddy pit. Then the process repeat itself. 

You stumble as you try to walk out of it, but keep going anyway. One day you'll make it. And all that will really remain will be beautiful memories.

With no pain:) 

How to Stay Sane with Social Media

I write this for myself. To remind myself because I tend to forget.

 In a time where one is connected to other people's life through many forms of social media, it's hard not to notice the differences in your life and that of others. They get shoved in front of our faces, pictures, words, all screaming "Hey look at me, my life is wonderful!" It seems to me that to live differently takes more courage. You would want what others have, it's hard to convince yourself you have enough, or you need not be like that.

But the truth is, we really need not be like everybody else- follow the mainstream, live in a way that is defined to be "successful"or "meaningful".

You live the way you want, and do the things you deem worthy. It's hard, but the following steps will help you as well as me fight this social media jealousy syndrome.

Three levels of Specialty 
I see everyone as having some specialties within them-- maybe I am better at seeing the good than the bad side. Some people invest big bucks in physical things to make themselves feel good, often in clothes or gadgets. But to me this is the lowest form of "specialty", and I will tell you why.I do it myself, but not to the extent of making it a specialty of me such that people will associate the idea with me. These things can be expensive yet they are extremely cheap: anyone with money can claim them theirs in seconds. That's why the idea of having a wardrobe full of designer clothing won't appeal as much as having read a shelf of books.

The next level that really earns my respect is possessing knowledge in a particular field. It can be anything: anime, culture of a small tribal society or even recipe on cooking a particular dish. These knowledge not only enriches the mind, but some even have practical value. Its worth also lies in the fact that it takes time and more effort to obtain- no one becomes an expert overnight, and you sure cannot get it with money. People with knowledge is also a pleasure to spend time with, they normally have wits, and make enjoyable conversations.

The highest level of specialty is being a master of a particular skills. It can be break-dancing, cooking, playing a certain instrument or speaking a foreign language. These take years and years of learning, refining and perfecting. Doing it like a pro is definitely not easy. Its worth as well as that of possessing knowledge lies in the fact that both are latent. No one sees you have it until you reveal them yourself, but even then, simply knowing you do empowers you.

Know Your Strength 
Thinking about my strength always helps me stay clear of unhealthy gravitation. We all oooh and aaah when we see others enjoying life, we want to do what they can, we want to have their specialty, sometimes we lose ourselves in jealousy, even envy, or impulse, and gravitate towards gaining those specialty. But, soon you'll find that it's so hard. What awaits us is probably a sense of defeat, because we are not as good as others in doing those things.

So before you gravitate towards those things, look at yourself. Think long and hard.

Ask yourself, what am I good at? What am I best at? That will probably help you steer clear and focus, more than any thing else.

I've always believed I'm good in languages. I picked up Mandarin literally within days when I was 6, having just arrived in China from Myanmar. When I went to Shanghai at 11, I spoke like a native soon after. Of course I wish I could stop being an idiot when it comes to understanding my econometric notes, but  I'm not disheartened for long. I'll think: "but that's not my strength, I know my strength!"

Know your strength, and work on it. Don't look back!

Mind is Eternal, Keep it Curious
The only thing that cannot be taken away from you, is not your wealth, your possession, but your mind and your skills. It does deteriorate with the passing of time- skills getting eroded and memory fading with time, but still, nothing other than time can take them away from you.

The overall idea of this piece of entry is that, invest in your brain, not your materialistic worth. The best way is to imitate the children - be curious.

Keep your mind keen, and curious, and you shall never be bored again!

Surround Yourself with the Right People 
Now you know how to classify specialties into categories, the next step would just be to surround yourself with people of higher level of strength. I'm not proposing that you should discriminate people based on what they can do, I'm just saying you should be aware of the benefits and drawbacks of having certain types of people around you.

People with low levels of specialty tend to spend a lot of  money into beautifying/ glorifying their lives with materialistic things. Unless you enjoy doing that yourselves you would hardly feel comfortable with them around. You don't want to have to deal with this "social media jealousy" every time you see he/she shares some new pair of designer jeans he/she bought on Facebook.

On the other hand, people with skills/knowledge are more likely to be interesting and down-to-earth. They are usually keen to learn in general, and are great companions in travelling and having conversations with, because they are not only resourceful but intelligent!

This New Babe in 72 Hours

As a follow-up to my camera hunt, a model that I wasn't considering popped in front of me. The newly released Canon Powershot G16. I've been doing research for a week or so now. Had my eyes on Sony RX100 but unfortunately John Lewis' offer is over and it's gotten back to the original price of 399. Without a good bargain, I have to reconsider my options.

Canon's G15 caught my eyes, after hours of research I decided that's more or less what I need: compact enough to travel around with, well-built with a chic look that I like. (As compared to the sleekness of RX100, I prefer that the G series has a tint of old-school feel to its build). ZJ helped in making that decision too, G15 for me that is. Unfortunately, or fortunately, not many stores in Singapore still carry the model, since its successor, the G16, has been released in Oct.

It looks like this:

One thing that really captured my attention is the star mode and other night modes that come in this little camera. The effects are stunning!(well, at least based on the videos I've seen). It produces this galaxy-like dreamy effect which I guess every girl would like to imagine or use as a backdrop. 

It can also shoots Timelapse in this mode, producing a rotating realm of stary stary sky. It's absolutely amazing! And seriously had I brought this little babe to the Christmas Dinner that night I would be sitting here admiring pretty photos already! 

Just look at these!! 

The right hand side photo was taken with a "star trail" mode, it captures trails of star that is otherwise invisible to the naked eyes!

I am by no means even a amateur. But I do want to take quality photos of my trips. I'm not a gadget person and have always relied on ZJ or Johnny to pick my devices. But I am quite sure this is the camera I am looking for. Cannot wait to take quality photos of scenery along our Europe trip!

72 hours to go! and 8 days to go for the trip!