Saturday, March 9, 2013

小丑与擦鞋童


小丑与擦鞋童
            天气开始转凉了,寒风瑟瑟地吹着。街道的一角,窝着一个三十来岁的中年男人。他脸上打了厚厚的一层粉,大大的嘴巴是刺眼的红,头上套着一顶橙色的“爆炸型”假发。红绿相间的大袍子紧紧地将他裹住,只露出两个圆头、黑亮的大皮鞋。他是个小丑。在灰暗的街角,他显得格外惹眼。他就这么静静地蹲在墙角,望着对街的学校。那一双嵌在惨白脸上的眼睛,瞪得老大,眸子里有难以捕捉的厌恶和恐惧。
            “这一群捣蛋鬼。”小丑在心里暗暗地骂着。“小恶魔”,小丑说着,往手心里哈了口气,合起掌心搓了起来。风吹得他直打哆嗦,但他的目光仍死死地盯着那校门口。
            “铃──—,清脆的铃声划破严寒的空气。听到铃声,小丑慌乱地爬起身,一手定了定头上的假发,另一只手抓起一包鼓鼓的大麻袋,便向对街跑去。
他的心开始“扑通”“扑通”地越跳越快,整个人一下子进入一个“警戒状态”,身上的每一根神经都紧绷起来,好似一名负了伤又得硬着头皮再战沙场的士兵。打开麻袋,他取出几个彩球和一辆独轮车。待他跃上独轮车时,校门口已拥满了学生。他便一边骑,一边表演空中抛球。三个彩球被他勉强地抛成一轮彩圈。独轮车上的小丑骑得十分辛苦,抛得小心翼翼,只怕一个闪失,换来的不仅是那群“小恶魔”的嘲笑,也会落个“没有赏钱”的下场。只见他就这么骑着,骑着,虽然刺骨的寒风吹得他上下牙直打架,但他夸张的笑脸依旧僵硬在寒风中...... 对于孩子,小丑是非常反感的,他觉得孩子太天真,太无知,完全不懂什么是烦恼,什么是生活的无奈与艰辛。他一个三十多岁的男人,还要在那群乳臭未干的小毛孩子面前耍那些丢人的把戏,这让自尊心强的他更厌恶他们,更憎恨在他们面前当小丑的自己。想到这里,小丑使劲儿地一蹬踏板,独轮车失控地往右一滑,小丑踉跄地跌了个狗吃屎,彩球滚了一地,假发掉了,妆也花了,只有那鲜红的大嘴巴,还在机械化地笑着......
       孩子们马上围了上来,对这可怜的小丑大笑。其他的小孩子听见了也纷纷凑了上来,把小丑围得水泄不通。
       “嗨,你们看,小丑跌了个狗吃屎”“狗吃屎呀,狗吃屎......” “小丑,小丑,小丑......”调皮的孩子们来了劲儿,同声喊了起来,一边喊还一边扮鬼脸。小丑恐慌地四下张望,在他眼里,那一个个孩子变成了“恶魔”,他们的笑脸化作成最鄙夷的面孔,他们的起哄,就像是世上最最丑陋的奸笑。小丑冲出了人群......
      
*     *     *

天开始暗下来,小丑独自一人坐在一家打了烊的花店的阶梯上,心里是满腔的羞和怒。
“该死”,小丑把手中的假发重重地摔向了墙角。“那些屁孩子,你们懂什么? 要不是我家破产,几个月前我也是个要风得风,要雨得雨的富家大少爷,落到今天这种地步,算是让我懂了这人世的......”正说到这儿,天开始飘起了小雪,片片雪花还夹杂着一粒粒冰雹,一眨眼的功夫便稀里哗啦掉了一地。小丑连忙提起麻袋,躲进了檐下的墙角。 这是,他也注意到另一个瘦小的身影闪躲近来。小丑不经意地瞄了一眼,发现进来的是一个八、九岁的小男孩,看他匆匆忙忙的样子,好像也是来避这场冰雹学的。那孩子似乎也注意到在墙角的小丑,顿了顿便径直地向他走来。
“先生”,男孩低着头,俩眼盯着小丑的大皮鞋,愣愣地看着说:“您需要擦皮鞋吗?”
“又是小孩子”小丑嘀咕着。待他定睛一看:这男孩顶着一头蓬乱、毛糙的头发,瘦小的身体被斜背着的木制工具箱拽歪了肩膀。一身灰色的衣裳,小得盖不住男孩精瘦的身板。
“先生,请您让我给你擦个鞋吧!我不收你一分钱!”男孩抬起头来对小丑说,一双有神的大眼睛蕴藏着一种按捺不住的喜悦和渴望。小丑疑惑地点了点头,男孩欣喜若狂,马上蹲下,打开那个笨重的工具箱,利索地拿出抹布、刷子和鞋油。他小心翼翼地把一只皮鞋搭在工具箱上,就着那箱子全神贯注地擦了起来。刷鞋、抹鞋、上油,男孩都做得非常到位且麻利,好一个擦鞋童!
“先生,您知道吗,我从没想过自己会有机会擦一双小丑的鞋子!”男孩开腔了。不等小丑回答,他又滔滔不绝地说下去,“很小的时候我去过一次马戏团,那里有像您一样的小丑们,他们真滑稽,都把我逗得笑出眼泪来。还有他们那双超级大的皮鞋,是多么有趣!”男孩一边擦一边说着。小丑不吱声,但静静地听着。
“那是我第一次到马戏团,也是最后一次。家里穷,现在每天都得出来擦皮鞋赚钱”。看着男孩冻得发紫的小手,小丑起了怜悯之心。
       “可我宁愿像您一样作个小丑......我做擦鞋的,换来的总是人们冷漠的眼光,那些有钱的人到看我像看到垃圾一样,没人愿意给我擦鞋。一天赚的钱少得可怜。当小丑多好啊,能见到那么多小朋友,逗他们笑,给他们带来快乐......”男孩正讲得神采飞扬,抬起头来歪着脑袋问小丑:“先生,您是从马戏团来的吗?你会耍些什么把戏?能教教我吗?”小丑看着男孩许久许久,没有回答......

*     *     *

       缕缕阳光暖洋洋地撒落在街上,驱散了寒冷与阴暗。放眼望去,熙熙攘攘的校门口显得格外热闹。人群中两个小丑正在表演,一大一小轻松地骑在独轮车上,抛着彩球,如鱼得水地穿梭在孩子群中。小丑们笑得格外灿烂,只因为那红刺刺的大嘴巴后面有一张真正的笑脸。
      




2007年的一篇旧文
         




Saturday, February 23, 2013

回顾过去这一年(二)


            
我希望在农历新年之前把这篇回顾的篇章写完。之所以把这篇回顾分成两半,一是因为篇幅,二是从心境和遭遇来说,这是两个截然不同的阶段。前面我已诉说自己如何在抑郁症中挣扎,而接下来的这个部分,是我渐渐走出阴影、走向光明的过程。

我想父亲的到来和停留确实给我打了一剂强心针。虽然短暂,但那段时间我非常非常快乐。搬进了自己的空间,和弟弟一起,那个曾今有过父亲身影的房子,也有了家的感觉。新房子让我感到兴奋,而接下来在报馆忙碌的生活让我没有功夫继续为将来烦恼。但现在回想起来,那时候的我中途休学,大学和奖学金都没有着落,想着都后怕。


四月份在晚报工作,是我实习最快乐的时光。许多事情对我来说还很新鲜。采访、撰稿、编辑、想点子,这些环节我都尽百分之百的精力和效率完成。一整天最期待的时候就是和同事到附近的小贩中心吃午餐。报馆的同事每一个都很友善,个别的又出奇地幽默,和他们同时出去,总会擦出各种火花,每次除了填饱了肚子还可以心情很漂亮地回来工作。而我的主管,晚报的副编辑是个温和的女人。她有经验,却没有主管的气焰,反而很温柔,特别是对我。有一次因为我冷她把披肩递给我,让我感动。工作上,她也总是循循善诱,宽容我的许多错误,问我许多问题,诱发我像正确的方向思考。和她讨论我总是可以学到很多东西,曾经因为这样的讨论,我三次拜访采访对象,三次修改新闻材料,最后的结果好得让我惊讶。这个月因为温和又知性的主管、幽默的同事,我在其乐融融的环境中学习到了很多东西。


四月的某一天,发生了对我一生都影响深远的事情。我被通知到公共服务委员会(PSC)属下的测试中心接受心里考核。要通过笔试和面试两个环节,总共长达45个钟头。面试我的心理医师是一个名叫Angela的干练女人,长得异常美丽,非常睿智的一女人。她刨根问底问了我很多问题,有些甚至是侵略性的,整个过程下来我感到全身乏力。她最后的结论是:you are a genuine person, and very insightful.这句话给了我莫大的动力。我第一次了解别人对我的认知,第一次认识到原来真真实实的自己其实挺让人欣赏。直到今天我心里都存在一块空白,一个遗憾。就是母亲自小到大都没有夸过我,这让我从小都自信不足,总觉得自己不如人家,不值得别人赏识和肯定。我要感谢这个叫Angela的美丽女人。不得不承认,她的专业让我对她的话更加信服,这让我释怀,我因此开心了很久。不知为什么,此后我心里踏实了许多。


我想Angela对我的心理鉴定报告一定是正面的,因为不久后的五月份我就接到PSC的面试通知,开始准备各种成绩单、学校鉴定、毕业证书等等等等。那时候的我还在报馆工作,看报纸新闻什么的是顺手拈来的活,写博客也写得勤快。上班的时候除了工作就是看资料整理博客,写得内容都和教育有关。做家务时都会凤凰卫视打开听新闻,因为下班后还出去教补习实在没有时间。很多信息我不知不觉的就吸收了,没有花去多少精力和时间,但是后来都在面试中起到了关键的作用。最重要的是,我上网和面试过的人讨教心得,结论是面试最重要的,就是要真实。Angela说我是个真实、有洞察力的人,我很受鼓舞,心里想着,真正的面试就是另一个心理面试罢了,一下子轻松了很多。


530号,我着装整齐到维多利亚街的国家图书馆报道。PSC 的接待处我之前为ZJ递交材料时来过一次,多少人经过层层考验只为了博得在这里一展拳脚的机会,而今天我站到了这里。


大长桌对面一共做了78个人,整个面试2030分钟。缅甸政治、中国政治、奥朗德当选法国总统、欧债危机等等问题我回答得游刃有余、思路清晰、实事求是,不知道就说不知道,适当时对面试官的论点提出质疑。面试结束,我轻轻带上木门,面试官们交头接耳的画面消失在门缝里的同时,我却心潮澎湃。那是一种难以形容的好心情。它不是一闪而过的激动,不是莫名的快感,而是沉淀已久的渴望、期盼,在那一刻得到了爆发,得到了鼓舞。这种感觉让神采奕奕,让人不禁充满了喜悦。


这种喜悦感持续了好长好长一段时间,任何抑郁消极的残留,也彻彻底底地在我骨子里瓦解。虽然结果还是未知数,但我的沉着应对、我的冷静、我的不惧让我惊讶,让我自豪、自信。我沉浸在这种自信的欢愉中,耐心地等待面试结果。


6月初,结果出来了。果不其然,我成功了。PSC把我推荐给教育部最高级别的奖学金。眼前的唯一考验是月底的高层见面会,我必须好好表现,争取赴英国留学的机会。但诺丁汉经济学院的分量明显不足,我还是面临着被保送到天朝的命运。


628日,在缅甸两个星期的短暂休假后,我参加了高层见面会。博客再一次发挥了它的功效,因为实习时曾经就华文教育写过几篇博文,对实习经验任然记忆犹新,所以谈到教育政策和问题方面,我把这些储备好的点子一一列出,从容大方,没有一刻感到窘迫。两个星期之后,我已经坐在了教育部为奖学金得主们举办的茶会上,摆在我前面的是一个写着我英文名字的名牌,名字下面的括号中醒目地写着"UK"


我的梦想实现了。


它真真实实地摆在眼前。我永远忘不了7月的那一天,我在石龙岗补习时教育部Nancy的那通电话,告知我教育部决定给我奖学金去英国,去诺丁汉时,我心情是多么的激动。那么得难以平静。


接下来的日子里,我的生命进入另一个章节。我告别了灰暗的过去,告别抑郁,告别不堪的自己,怀揣着喜悦办理出国手续。


83日,教育部奖学金颁奖仪式。8月底为了及时拿到新加坡公民三天两头往移民厅跑(公民批准前无法与教育部签约、无法申请英国签证),为此我急的焦头烂额。96日,ZJ撇下我和我那充满未知的手续进程,远赴文莱军训。9月中旬,移民厅传来好消息,公民申请获批,立刻与教育部签约,并火速申请英国签证,920日,赴英国的前两天,获批签证。这一连串令人惊喜的事态发展,我无法与ZJ分享。他在月底军训结束回国时,我已经离开了那个一年365天充满阳光的赤道岛国,来到了寒冷潮湿的大英帝国。


我脱胎换骨的故事、梦想成真的过程,就在这里完结。接下来的故事,已经不重要。重要的是这段充满汗水和泪水的心路历程,这段永远会再我人生中占据重要位置的奋斗的章节。


谨此纪念。


2013223 诺丁汉


后记: 在这里我要感谢一路上帮助过我的人: ZJ、晚报的副编辑、和一个让人意想不到的人物--移民厅的公民登记处的Mrs Pang. 因为公民迟迟不批,我被迫无奈在移民厅软磨硬泡要求见长官。Mrs Pang接待了我,听我声泪俱下的诉说自己的困境,给了我几张白纸就地写上述信。我想就是这个机会救了我,过了两个礼拜Mrs Pang亲自打电话给我告知我好消息。三个月后我自英国回来到移民厅办手续时又碰到她,虽然只有一面之缘但她还是认得出我,问我近况。感谢一路来像Mrs Pang这样以各种方式帮助过我的人,没有他们我的梦想之路不会走得如此顺畅!




So Does Nottingham have touristy places?

Yes so after being asked about whetherI know about the existence of a certain place by the name of  "Nottingham Castle", to which I could not honestly say yes but was too ashamed to say no, I decided I do not know the city well enough, and am therefore adamant that I take every effort to go out of my way and familiarise myself with it.

So does Nottingham have "touristy places"? As much as I would like to believe there are, being foreign myself, after some time spent living here, and doing some research, there is, honestly, not much to see.

Nonetheless, I have made a worthwhile trip to the city centre where you can walk through the renown Lace Market (don't expect too much though, for it really isn't much more than a small area of quint, old, Victorian style buildings), shop round UK's biggest high street apparel stores back-to-back, and treat yourself to a warm snack like Jacket Potato or afternoon tea at Saint Peter's Church cafe.

So it's Thursday, not a perfect day for a trip, but for a student who has no lesson for a good half of the day, nothing can be better than taking an escape from familiar school and hostel grounds for a little exploration. (No, I won't reveal that I decided to add the "little exploration" to my itinerary because I got to return a few items to some stores there)

The Lace Market

The Lace Market  is what I set out for. It sounds like a elusive quaint little place, full of Victorian style brick buildings, stuck in past. Though  after having been there I found that we came really close to stumbling on its grounds on several occasions in the past.

There was never a market in the sense that there were stalls like a typical market, but you can still see the old  trading houses, warehouses and showrooms that in the old days used to display, store and sell the lace products. I came across this building that once belonged to one of such trading houses. It has Navilles Textile written on it's entrance, situated at the corner of busy cross-road along Stoney Street. It must have been a booming business back then, with its prime location and magnificent brick building.

Many other trade houses and warehouses like this constitute the Lace Market, a quater-mile square area at the heart of Nottingham. Once the heart of the world's lace industry during the days of the British Empire, it is full of impressive examples of 19th century industrial architecture and thus is a protected heritage area. It's probably the oldest part of Nottingham City and used to be occupied by the Saxons who first settled in the city. The street names are tell-tale signs of this: Fletcher Gate (Butchers' Gata, where Gata is a Danish word for Street) and Fishers' Gate. After the Norman Conquest, the Saxon area was merged with the Norman area centred around the castle, and Lace Market then became the administrative centre of the city, becoming a commercial and cultural sector as people conduct business, erect institutions here.

Now the area houses a school, a few cafes and some modern textile companies.

The once-booming Navilles Textile

Apparently, this are is now the centre square of a school, if I'm not wrong.

Another alley in the Market, where roads are wide enough for, presumably, courier  vehicles and heavy-duty trucks to load/unload textiles.


Saint Peter's Church
Compared to other cathedrals and churches in the UK, this is a humble church standing on a raised hill not far from the Lace Market. It has a little backyard surrounding the church, which rises high above ground level and ends with a pointed top. On Cafe Open Days, visitors can have afternoon tea inside the church at its little cafe. For just just 3 pounds, you get 2 sandwiches, one packet of chips plus a drink. Nice deal!


Old Market Square
This is a spacious open ground laid with stone slabs in front of the magnificent parliament building. It is excluded from trams and traffics, and is mainly used to host events such as the Christmas Market during festive seasons. Stalls selling piping hot Jacket Potato can be seen on a regular basis, while shops of all classes are all easily accessible from here: Clarks, Primark, River Island ect ect.

The Old Market Square under a clear sky!
Spotted outside a Cafe ^^

OK, this might look disgusting but it's simply the NICEST thing to have on a cold day in town!
Jacket Potato with beef&onions fillings (ooooo, such generous lady she was, gave me so many scoops of beef stew I had a hard time holding the box such that nothing whelmed out of it!)

This picture sums up how wonderful the day have been:)





Sunday, February 3, 2013

Book Affair:Animal Spirits

On the cover of the paperback version of George Akerlof and Robert Schiller’s Animal Spirits, the blurb, from Time’s Michael Grunwald, is “Animal Sprits [is]… the new must read in Obamaworld.” In March of 2011, two years after President Obama took office and Animal Spirits was first published, it is clear that the President and his economic team were reading from this playbook. However, it is also clear that the President missed an opportunity to communicate to the public why he took the actions that he did. As the United States moves forward in a so-called jobless recovery, and divisiveness and friction rule across D.C. and the country, our economic policy is hobbled and scattershot. Support for the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act has wavered in the last two years, and the public’s drop in support killed any political will for more stimulus spending. The public apprehension and political failures are ironic, actually, because in Animal Spirits, Akerlof and Schiller write about an earlier misinterpretation of Keynesian economics, during the Great Depression.

In 1936 John Maynard Keynes’ The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money was published. Keynes charted a course between classical economists that argued that less regulation would allow private markets and rational actors, via the famous ‘invisible hand,’ to create jobs, and socialists that argued for the state to direct the economy. Instead, Keynes took issue with the idea that only rational actors governed the economy; he believed that noneconomic, non-rational, animal spirits actually caused involuntary unemployment and economic fluctuation. The government should not be too authoritarian, like the socialists argued, but it should also not be too permissive, like the classical economists argued. Unfortunately, in an effort to create consensus with classical economists, supporters of Keynes removed most of the animal spirits, hoping that they could convince the broad public as quickly as possible to adopt Keynes’ fiscal policy prescriptions (just like President Obama allowed political expediency to rule his economic platform). Unfortunately, this watered down theory was vulnerable to critique by neo-classical economists like Milton Friedman. The central thesis of Akerlof and Schiller’s book is that these animal spirits, cast off in the midst of the Great Depression, remain a prime cause of our contemporary economic difficulties. In fact, these ideas have emerged once again in the field of behavioral economics.

There are five animal spirits that the authors resurrect from The General Theory:

1) Confidence, the trust and belief that leads rational actors to make some irrational decisions, which amplifies business cycles
2) Fairness, often pushed to the backburner in economic textbooks, often trumps economic concerns and impacts both wages and prices
3) Corrupt Behavior and Bad Faith, economic activity with sinister motivation, was clearly evident in the recent economic crisis and recession, but can be clearly traced back through all of the major economic bumps in our past
4) Money illusion, disavowed by neo-classical economists like Milton Friedman, remains a contemporary concern as people continue to be confused about the impact of inflation and deflation
5) Stories, the narratives we create to describe human experience, often seem true and nurture speculative bubbles (like the housing bubble) until the bubble pops and the story changes.

In the aftermath of the global economic shock, when many of the great economies of the world continue to stumble towards recovery, Akerlof and Schiller’s analysis is perfectly timed. They clearly trace the impact of these animal spirits on the economy, from the Great Depression through the stagflation of the 1970s, through the recessions and the Savings & Loans crises of the 1980s, the recession and the tech bubble of the 1990s, and finally to the Enron debacle, the housing bubble, and the jobless recoveries of our recent past. Akerlof and Schiller are true Keynesians; they appreciate the power of the free market to create economic opportunity, but they also appreciate the damage that these animal spirits can make in the economy. The vast neo-classical deregulation that started in the 1970s and continued through the last decade did not take into account these Animal Spirits, and the vast economic turmoil was the result.

Confidence is one of the most important animal spirits – it leads ‘rational actors’ to what Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan described as “Irrational exuberance.” If one looks back to the stock market of the 1890s or the 1920s, or the tech and housing bubble of our recent past, confidence is clearly evident. Remember in 2004 when some of your friends said that housing prices could never fall? That is confidence gone astray, irrational exuberance. That is also a story that we all told each other, which seemed irrefutable logic, until it wasn’t.

Fairness has a big impact on unemployment. The neo-classical theories about how a labor market would clear itself revolve around wage efficiency, the idea that employers will pay the lowest wage and employ as many people as possible. Unfortunately, the labor contract is more complicated than that, and the transaction only starts when the wage is agreed upon. Schiller and Akerlof show that wages vary a great deal, and employers often pay more than they need to, to secure a motivated and skilled workforce. Fairness affects both the employer and the employee. The wage that workers deem fair is almost always above the market-clearing wage; this ensures that wages will remain sticky even during economic downturns, despite the fact that the ranks of the unemployed grow.

Money illusion also impacts wages; neo-classical economists argue that there is a Natural Rate of unemployment, but wage rigidity is partly due to the fact that people are largely unaware of the impact of inflation or deflation on their purchasing power. A survey they conducted with a group of economists and a second group representing the general public shows the money illusion clearly: reacting to the statement “I think if my pay went up I would feel more satisfaction… even if prices went up as much,” 90% of the economists disagreed, while 59% of the general public agreed.

 Fairness and money illusion clearly affect the setting of wages, behind the scenes of economic logic. Akerlof and Schiller argue that we should “fire the forecaster,” and forget, once and for all, the myth that capitalism is pure. They argue that safeguards must be built to protect the general public from the excesses of capitalism. They also make clear that the stories that we tell each other are often irrational and exaggerated, and we must be protected from these exaggerations.

Like I mentioned above, it is clear the Obama Administration used Animal Spirits as a playbook in their efforts to prevent the economy from falling into a Depression. Schiller and Akerlof advocated the use of the Discount window, as well as other provisions taken by both the Federal Reserve as well as the Treasury Department to prop up the banks. To their credit, they also predicted that “the injections may make the banks richer, and therefore less likely to become insolvent, but they will not necessarily lend more money.” As a result, the Government ended up taking extraordinary measures to ensure that money was available for mortgages and loans.

Ultimately, the actions taken by the Administration fell short of what Keynes, or Schiller and Akerlof would advocate. The stimulus was insufficient, and the government did not act aggressively enough to regulate the banks. But like the Gulf Oil spill last summer, I think the biggest loss was the failure to take advantage of the moment to educate the General Public of the external costs of our capitalist economy. If a better effort were made to explain to the general public the Animal Spirits, how they impact the economy, and the logic of the stimulus and TARP, our response could have been more sustained, more consistent, and less contentious. Keynesian economics could have stepped into the clear light of day, but instead the lessons of these animal spirits and their impact on the economy remain lost to much of the general public. Because the problem of Too Big To Fail was not confronted, we will undoubtedly once again be in a position to deal with the consequences of leverage and risk that these global institutions create.
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Thursday, January 17, 2013

一个人的生活

规律就是8、9点睡觉,6点半醒来。
醒来先喝一杯水,烧开一壶水泡上一杯奶茶。
早餐就是一盘水果、一个小饼子、一杯奶茶。
吃东西的顺序是,先吃水果,再吃主食,最后才喝水。

起身后做的第一件事,是翻翻手机上的亲友互动,给这个那个留些言、问个好。
但这时候手机不能用太久,因为要抓紧时间学习。
这个时候不做的事情,恐怕拖到当天下午也不会做了。

11点,给家里人打个电话,翻翻邮箱,写Email, 打电话。
把那些不痛不痒、却一直烦在心里的琐事一并做了,才算安心。

不知不觉,午饭时间到了。炸几个鸡翅,抓一把菠菜下个汤,剥几个大蒜炒个白菜,一个人的午饭已经算很丰盛。

唱着歌,洗着碗,半天就这么过去了。
吃完饭小坐一会儿后,便是时候把身上的油腻味儿洗掉。

香喷喷的从浴室出来,心情特别好。
这时候披上外衣,撕一张面膜贴在脸上,窝在被窝底下上上网,是多么简单地小幸福。
这时候的活动是一边浏览别人的博客,一边看着外面的天色。

看外面飘起了小雪,看着天色渐渐变暗。
冬天的校园多了一份静谧,少了很多喧嚣。
也许因为正值考试的季节,以往的狂欢和派对也暂时冬眠。
取而代之的就是静静的、像是怕打扰了正在复习的我们而悄然降落的雪花。

绒毛一样的细雪,晶莹而洁白。
从早到晚窸窸窣窣地飘落、飘落。
给大地、房顶、树枝、湖畔披上一层单调的白色外衣。
它的存在只有一种方式,简单而安静。
就像我一个人的快乐生活,简单而静谧。




Sunday, January 13, 2013

回顾过去这一年 (一)



我一直都说2012是我的幸运年,这一年里发生了许多放在以前我会觉得简直就是奇迹的事情。因为快乐,这年匆匆的过去了,特别是最后那三个月,似乎只是一眨眼的时间。

只有经历低谷后,才会迎来高峰。只有尝到了落魄的滋味,才有了东山再起的欲望。
20118月份进入国大之后的34个月,是我人生最灰暗,最低落的时段。现在回想起来,每次换环境,我会一连几个月感到焦虑不安,心情抑郁。一零年高中结束后直到一一年8月开学,这段期间里我特别自在,生活在不用和陌生人打交道的舒适圈里。所以8月份入学时,遭遇了很大的打击。

那时候的我严重缺乏自信,没办法和身边的人维持超过三五分钟的对话,和不熟悉的人在一起感到窘迫、压力、无法自己。害怕群体、更害怕孤独,我回避社交、回避认识的人,一个人的时候却又不知所措,心里恨透了自己。或许我当时有点轻微的自闭症,后来情况愈演愈烈,因为焦虑,嘴上得不停的吃零食、买零食来转移自己的注意力。几个星期就吃胖了好几公斤。过后好几次跑到厕所强迫自己呕吐。

那时候的我就是这么一团糟,是个抑郁的一塌糊涂的女生。每次和ZJ见面他都想尽办法帮我暂时摆脱忧郁的心情,见没什么成效后他也就条件发射性地觉得和我见面是种压力,我能感觉出他怕和我见面,怕见面后两人的痛苦。

身边的人也尝试过和我沟通、开导我。当时的同班中有C,A 两个女生听过我的诉苦,还有一个叫K的男同学。我要谢谢他们,在我无助的时候,给我带来片刻的慰藉。更要谢谢MarMay, 两个我最好的朋友,用尽各种办法让我开心,陪我做开心的事情。

一一年9月初,对现实生活很不满意的我,毅然决定填报UCAS梦想着有一天可以离开这个困住我的鬼地方,远赴英国。 10月我C的鼓励下递交了到报馆实习的申请表格,当时我天真地认为自己患上抑郁症是因为选错了专业,和C诉苦后她鼓励我换院系。大概在同一个时间申请了教育部的实习。

大约一个月后,一天上课回来我接到了报馆人事部打来的电话,通知我改天过去参加笔试。放下电话我好兴奋!从商学院大楼走回PGP宿舍的这一段路,仿佛一条阳光道,散发出令人昏眩、陶醉的光芒。那是久违的、成功的滋味,我心里暗暗觉得离脱离苦海的日子已经不远了。

可惜人在脆弱的时候失败所带来的打击要更大,更有杀伤力。11旬我到了报馆大楼参加笔试,总共有辨字、找错字、填空、排列句子和写文章几个部分。我想我的卷子可以用惨不忍睹来形容。许久没认真提笔写字的人,加上忧郁症神经质,当然写不出像样的东西。背着包从报馆大门走出来,整个人恍恍惚惚的。但茫然之余,现实的打击已将我狠狠的拍醒。我第一次醒悟:中文并不是我的避风港,我不属于中文系,也不应该把转系当成我的精神寄托。认清了这残酷的现实,我陷入了更深的抑郁:如果转系不是我的救赎,那我将何去何从?我意识到其实自己一直把转系当成幌子,归根究底,还是因为自己心理素质差,适应不了新的环境,才患上忧郁症无法自拔。这个认识击破了我的最后一道防线,最后的一丝希望在我走出报馆的那一刻烟消云散了。

11月底、12月初是国大的考试季,当大家都忙得焦头烂额的时候,仍深陷忧郁症泥泞的我完全处于抽离状态。考试对我来说不痛不痒。看别人上学习室,我也跟进去,虽然蹲在里面的时间不比别人少,但那时的我已经失去了专注能力,浮躁的心情让我无法在书本上停留超过5分钟,只能在煎熬中把试考完,非常痛苦。ZJ这时减少了和我见面的次数,我们通过短信联系,说是为了让我专心考试,但我隐约感觉到这时的他大大地松了一口气。

这期间我接到了教育部发来的信,要我参加面试,要通过面试才能去实习。那天似乎是123日,面试在教育部某个大厅举行,登记的时候我遇到了高中交情还不错的学弟。说实话这次见面我感到无地自容,因为在我这届的同学们都已经找到方向,名扬海外的时候,我一个毕业一年多的老毕业生在还和学弟学妹们角逐实习机会,这让我难堪。无论如何,面试进行得还算顺利,不久之后教育部寄来的训练和正式实习的安排。同时段报馆人事部打来数次电话,和我安排面试。如此看来,2011年的落幕并不是太糟糕,总算是在糊里糊涂加上严重抑郁的情况下过去了。

20121月开头的三天里,我参加了教育部为我们准备的训练课程。我被安排到了巴特礼中学,19号星期一,我正式来巴特礼报道,开始了早起晚归的生活。那时我住在ZJ的家里,早上545爬起来,中午34点放学后我必须赶往补习处给孩子们补习。到家已是晚上9点多。就是那时候开始,我开始写博客记录我的生活,一半是出于每周要写实习周记的缘故,加上我感觉那几个星期的生活颇具新鲜感,所以记录了许多教书时候的点滴。1月中旬过后叔叔来新加坡短暂地呆了45天,给我们留下巨额红包,我带他到处玩,就像小时候在上海他带我们到处看一样,回报他的恩情。

二月,持续着早出晚归的生活,几乎没有时间去看弟弟。他托管在别人家里有一年了,有大半年的时间都在埋怨我不租自己的房子住。我生活在ZJ里,看着89个人同住一个屋檐分担房租,加上禁不住弟弟的软磨硬泡,终于决定自己组间房子和弟弟搬出来住。于是生活变得更忙,像着魔了一样在网上浏览房屋广告,下班后到处看房,给人家发短信自我介绍啥的成了我休息时必干的事。看的房子不下10处,却始终没有看到合心意的。

三月初,实习正式结束了,两个月的工作,领到了两千多块钱的薪水,加上补习,几个月下来荷包颇丰满。同时房子也有了着落,找了一处在榜鹅新区的五房式组屋,环境很好,像公寓。10号我亲爱的父亲来到了新加坡,刚好弟弟放小假,那段时间特别特别充实,父子三人到处跑,很开心,很快乐。他来后我们特别忙。敲定13号搬家,在那之前我们一起参加博览中心的家具展,我看到一款心仪的藤子座椅,非常喜欢,老爸爽快地帮我买下。迁入新家后,我们又逛宜家,购置家具,实在非常开心。家里安顿下来后,老爸还在家当了几天家庭主夫,给我们下厨做饭。弟弟上学,我和老爸上超市买菜,想想真是幸福的小日子。

三月17号,老爸回缅甸了,我和弟弟回归平淡的生活,走之前他还鼓励我321号的报馆面试要好好表现。和老爸在一起的时光生活总是那么多姿多彩,让人奋发向上。面试通过了,于是2012年326日开始,我正式到联合晚报上班,开始了全新的生活。

Sunday, December 9, 2012

It's Almost Time to Bid the First Goodbye

I put in quite a bit of effort to blog because sometimes I feel a sense of urgency, an compulsion to pen down those wonderful moments in my life that I know would be hard to come by again. It's about the feelings in your inner self, when pure bliss and happiness meet the overwhelming realization of how blessed you are. If you understand what I mean :)

That's the urge behind almost every post of mine. My hope is simple, I envision myself going through the old posts one by one, giving them a silent smile as those good old memories flash by in like an old movie.

Wonderful time.

Tonight was one of those times. It's the same bunch of us, with Gin, Nish and Stefanie. Though dinner was what we went out for, the walk around the city is what totally captured the mood. Not so chilly night, four friends walking up a hilly street, each harbouring wild excitement about going home, some doing occasional hop and throwing of fist into the air (me!) because that damn good feeling is simply overwhelming.

Of course when you do that you know that you are having a great time, and having a great time isn't that complicated. A simple meal (albeit very very filling!), and walking up a street and catching glimpses of the entire city lights downhill is just sufficiently amazing. A few compliments from the gals about my new puffy "head-gear" added to making my day (or night!).

A few ideas have been hovering around, like house-hunting for next academic year, and gift-shopping for friends back home. But all are flimsy and short-lived because my whole heart and soul have been devoted to enjoy this pre-departure bliss, undeniably! I'm desperate to take in as much of the city experience I can make during the remaining time here as possible, before I bid my first good-bye.Like a fish gasping for air, I want more more more of Nottingham!

I may sound hyper but this is definitely spontaneous. I've realized this early, and asked myself what I would want to have done before leaving, when the time comes.So I made a list of all the things I want to do before leaving the lovely place (and snuggling under my blanket, typing away on my blog is definitely one of the best of them all!). The time is almost here, and I've done many of the things on the list, like catching up on work, jogging around Beeston and campus, having a lovely meal with the gals.

And of course, like so many times before, I feel very very blessed, and gratitude swamped my heart. Again. God! Every time! (Can't help it!) I AM indeed the lucky one, favoured by life itself, and having more than I can ever ask for.

In the words of my new-found favourite: " 2012 ist wirklich mein Glückstag Jahr! Dies ist, wenn mein neues Leben beginnt."

A blissful and grateful San.