Sunday, April 8, 2012

怪胎和自我实现


日子总是一眨眼就过去了,昨天和昨天的昨天在内容上没有太大的差别,因为去的地方做的事情都是熟悉的那一些。感觉上也没有太大差别,因为随着熟悉而来的还有麻木。

当编辑们想尽办法榨取我的每一点空闲时间的时候(见缝插针的技术纯熟到惊世骇俗的境界。。)我在这边绞尽脑汁在写稿的同时Multi-task挤进一点自己的私事。

我想这也算是强迫症的一种吧。例如,小时候在宽敞的大马路上骑单车,明明马路很宽,只走那么一条窄窄的单车路明显便宜了某个不存在的假想敌。于是盛气凌然地开始走"S"线,在马路上左右拐,脚下的轮子覆盖的面积越大,这心里头就越舒坦。

无奈的怪胎。

都说聪明的女孩子应该善于学习,我相信学习是多方面的,可以以很多N中不同的形式和方式进行。不能说过去的两个星期学得不够多,而是学的机会多,吸收和消化的机会少。

一来是自己还没有意识,二来是时间真的不允许。

强迫症的另一表现就是,觉得付出的时间越多,那么收入也必须硬掰成正比。所以才疯狂的给自己找补习,心甘情愿地给补习中心提供免费劳动力。

任何事情都有代价,万事开头难,有收获就必须有付出。。粗略算下,在收入正常前,我会给别人免费工作10小时创造相当于285元新币的经济效益。不算交通费和路途往返的时间,对于每小时将近30元薪酬的劳动价值,自己颇沾沾自喜。

重点是,在行程安排满档又东奔西跑后完成各种人物后内心的满足感和自我感觉良好的FEEL, 是难以言喻、用金钱也买不回来的。

这个反应的就是马斯洛的需求层次论中最高级的“Self-Actualization”-自我实现。实现自己的价值,是每个人的追求。很多人误以为人生最重要的是快乐,相信“开心最重要”。这句话其实不全面:开心当然重要,但是不能把开心作为处事的原则,或衡量价值的指标。因为不是每件事都会让我们开心。而且寻找快乐的过程可能比快乐本身要重要。

我想,把开心当成一种纯感官上的娱乐来追求是有点肤浅的。在我看来,它更属于人们追求自我实现时的Bonus.所以,真正重要的其实是过程而不是结果。 这个,才是所有事情的推动力---实现自我的渴望。

Filled to the Brim


For the past week, I have been wanting to sit down quietly and blog for a solid half an hour.Never had the time and just now when I did and was trying to sieve through my brain for the thing that I wanted to blog about, it never came to me.so I thought the most appropriate thing to blog about is my obsession with keeping myself busy.

Days went by in a blur and I had difficulty telling them apart, or recalling what happened yesterday and the day before.I sort of liked this feeling but it was not until i laid down a tuition timetable for myself that I realized I have pushed myself too far and squeezed in too many assignments thus far.

Now I'm managing 10 lessons every week for 5 students, almost like a full-time tutor. This coming week will be the first time I'm trying out the new schedule and I'm not sure if it will work out the way I wanted it to.

Sometimes I questioned why would I work so hard? My only reason for this is my obsess with extra income that also comes with a sense of achievement and satisfaction that really comes at the time of spending the money.

Meanwhile, I'm also getting increasingly distanced from NUS and anything remotely school-related.For a convenient proof I haven't been checking my school mails and am blissfully unsure of the administrative dates I have to keep in mind in order to continue to keep my place reserved.I feel that NUS will be soon out of my world, out of sight out of mind.
That simple.

Something else that can be as simple as this is love.

The relationship has taken several turns and I'm just happy that it's back on track for now. Thought there's this empty feeling inside my heart telling me that something is just not right, I don't know if it justify a change in the status-quo.

Being a timid person that I've secretly always have been, wait and see seems to be the only appropriate action to take.

Every Day is worth Living For


every day is worth living for.

For the past few days, or weeks, my state of mind can be summed up and captured precisely by the title of this blog entry: every day is worth living for.
There is learning, there is hardwork. There is effort, and of course, corresponding reward.

I love the newsrooom so much. It's a far cry from the staff room of any schools, in terms of freedom, autonomy over what to do with your timeand how you would like go about doing it.
Of course one would have to fulfill a predetermined set of tasks, yet there is just enough room for flexibility to keep me happy. Given the same pieces of materials, I have the full
autonomy to decide what angle I would like to cut in, and what materials I should pay more attention over other.

Or I may just choose to position the same news along an entirely different storyline.

Besides, always working on different things in terms of content and people is simply amazing. Work is never repeatative and people contacts come through phone interview
or face to face ones. All can be inspirig as they open the doors to greater diversity in my daily interaction.

I learn to communicate with different people, poising myself on a specific level of intelligence and approachabilit to project exactly the image I deem suitable and likeable to each interviewee.
I tailor made myself for differnet occassions in front of various people.

And I enjoy it.

Then I knew communication and media is the right way to go.

I have always enjoyed emceeing and public speaking. I followed my heart and have made sure I have a choice this time, by applying to the Wee Kim Wee of Communication and Media
Studies in NTU.

Keeping my fingers crossed for the best and the worst.


Monday, March 26, 2012

Hello SPH ❤




I have started internship at SPH after a much awaited interview session. Today is my second day here and to be straight forward, it's just perfect here.

I love everything about the workplace and what I do here. I love the feeling of being a journalist, I can't wait for my first outfield interview scheduled the day after tomorrow with the founder of Singapore's first ever home restaurant, Zina Alam.

The whole editorial team are clustered together within this huge, spacious building. There were huge pipes and fans above and just merely looking at them make you feel important. It's a mega work station here, journalists and photographers and editors working together to churn out the headlines.The most important thing is, it's not cold like the staff room where it felt more like a polar bear den than anywhere. (This is a Chinese Newspaper and we are rather homogenious in term of cold tolerance)

Plus there was a rooftop garden where the canteen is located, and where staff gather for after-walk party and networking session, one can even play some sports and go for a workout there. It's fantastic and I love it=)
It just made me feel really good thinking about the fact that this is where I'm gonna be for the next three months. I hope the experience is fulfilling and look forward to every single day that I'm gonna spend.


Monday, March 19, 2012

Good Bye Bartley-9/3/2012

This is the last week of my internship in Bartley and I have admit that the emptiness and reluctance to leave I felt was equivalent to the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment at completing the 9-week long journey.

Along this journey, I have met many people playing a different but equally vital role to make my internship a enriching one, in terms of both personal growth in experience and emotional maturity. Overall, the experience has refined may qualities of mine which I already possessed and instilled in me a sense of awareness with respect to the different aspects of neighborhood schools and the challenges such schools face, as well as the those encountered in the teaching of the curriculum subjects which I taught, especially Chinese Language. I learned that patience is the key to maintain sustainable passion in the profession and building relationships with students is just as important as imparting knowledge in the shaping of our students' characters.

More importantly, I became more confident in public speaking and more outspoken to people that I barely known. All in all, the experience was a journey I would never regret taking.

Lastly, Bartley is such a wonderful place to be, and to test out my passion and suitability for teaching. Though its students could be challenging to handle and teach at times, the reward at the end of the day seeing students making it and getting it was worth going the extra mile. I feel nothing but grateful for the experience I have gained through the Teaching Internship Program 2012,and would definitely jump at any future opportunities to teach.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Love and Hurt

No words can describe how happy I had been during the days that father was here. The house was full of warmth, laughter and a huge sense of security when he was around . Now it feels so empty and quiet.

It is.

There were a lot of emotions under that drape of simplicity one might observe on the surface. Yeah, we laughed our heads off over seemingly meaningless and lame jokes. We reminisced the good memories and cajoled about the bad ones. We treasured every single moment together and made an effort to make every second count , and now I'm just glad that Dad was here for me.

For us.

He did so many things for us. Since day one it seemed more like short term labor contract than a vacation to him: what with house moving, furniture moving and cooking like a stay-at-home Dad? his hands were full all day long and had very little time for himself. He was the cook, the domestic helper, the grocery shopper, the handyman, the laundry man, the cleaner, the mover and lastly, a very very entertaining father! 

I love him deeply and treasure every single moment with him. The wonderful thing is, I feel so much more composed, confident and energetic when he's around: simply happy from all the love and attention he gave me. For the first time in a long time, I felt the magical workings of love and family. If I was undernourished and starved of love from my past, all these missing parts have been filled now by this vacation.

No regrets, no grudge. I am satisfied, and know I am loved.

The Hurt

I have always liked to say "Truth always hurts", ironically, the phrase proves itself on me today. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to please them. I thought about the reasons leading to the never ending cycle of pressure and effort: he pushing me to try harder, convincing me that I should do it in the name of gratitude, me giving it a half-hearted attempt, never really felt that I am doing it on my own will.

There are these and those flaws in me waiting to be corrected. I felt more like a laboratory test subject than someone's girlfriend or daughter-in-law.

I used to think that my love will never waiver despite my friends giving me negative opinions on him and on our relationship. My love for him was so intense that nothing could have stopped me from giving more, not even the incessant pressure and pushing.

But now I just feel exhausted. I would rather I have never been accepted or received the favor. Because having possessed something you treasure and then losing it is worse than never had it in the first place. I have neither the faith in myself, in the relationship to give it one more try.

I don't believe in our love any more.

When someone who you have loved for2 year over thought of dumping you because of some imaginary ideas he cooked up based on his judgmental opinions, you need to think real hard about whether he is worth your heartbreak and whether the relationship is worth another try.

Because you worth less than his imaginary dignity and incredibly low self-esteem.

Because he cares more about saving face than hurting you.

Love had blinded me.

but now I see.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Chinese but "B" ?

The learning process never stopped despite me advancing into the last week of my internship. I felt that as an intern teacher, one can never have seen enough and heard enough.

This week has been another wonderful experience that has broadened my horizon and set me thinking, with regards to the teaching and learning of Chinese Language among the local schools.

Bartley has this Chinese Language course that was not offered in my Secondary School, which I was not previously aware of. It is the Chinese Language “B” syllabus designed for students who, despite additional support in school and beyond, have exceptional difficulties coping with Chinese Language. The new syllabus was introduced in 2001 and in place ever since.

In my opinion, it was a desperate measure on the part of MOE to retain students’ interest in Chinese language by compromising the standard of requirement and expectation.

Despite MOE’s good intention to help weaker students in their Chinese Language, I feel that many are taking it for granted, abusing the system in the sense that those who are capable of offering the standard CL syllabus took the new B syllabus as a “soft option”. During my relief teaching to such class taking the new “B” syllabus, I was dismayed to see just how many are taking the course seriously with their best interest and best efforts. Many students displayed a stubborn unwillingness to learn, and total refusal to work on assigned task. This has led me to realise that their dismal academic performance in Chinese Language is more a result of attitude than incapability. Admittedly, some are genuinely weak in languages, yet this group of students display the highest interest to learn.

Other students who are equally, if not more, capable in the learning of Chinese Language, are not pitching in the slightest effort, despite the assigned task given being a simple worksheet that is virtually spoon-feeding them the syllabus.

This phenomenon is alarming.

Despite MOE setting aside millions of dollars to develop the use of Chinese Language in our schools, our efforts will be in vain if our students are stubbornly unwilling to immerse themselves in the various programs and activities rolled out by the school in accordance with MOE’s long term goals.

I have thought hard and long with regards to the reasons that may have contributed to such attitude, and the following, in my opinion, are the main components, if not causes of the problem.

Firstly, parents who are disengaged in their child’ learning journey. I find this problem particularly frustrating and at the same time disappointing. Our society seems more interested in hoarding wealth than investing in their children’ future. Encouraged by what I have observed in Bartley, and looking to explore parental attitude among general public, I have talked to many parents after I started my internship, paying particular attention to their awareness in their children’s education progress. The conversations I have had corroborate with my school-based observation, that parents are not as involved and engaged as they should be in their child’s education. Very few parents actually knew what their child is majoring in (For parents whose children are undergraduates) and even fewer knew their real interests and passion. They have entrusted the responsibility of education entirely to the MOE or the schools, out of ignorance rather than trust. They have failed to realise that parents are equally important as schools and teachers in crafting the future path for the child, and therefore relinquish their responsibilities and duties as parents.

With such parents, it is not surprising to find our students harbouring such attitude. Parents would be the cornerstone in our efforts to achieve any changes, and therefore, I feel that the MOE should invest in raising awareness of the importance of learning Chinese Language among the parents as much as it does in schools.

Besides parents, I feel that schools and teachers should shoulder part of the blame in causing our students disinterested in the learning of the subject. Encouraged by the schools, teachers are too engrossed and concerned with covering the syllabus and this causes them to prioritise wrongly and to a certain extent, lose their bearing.

Results-driven model has its merits, but as far as the teaching of Chinese Language is concerned, I feel that this model impedes teaching and learning more than our schools have realised. On top of their non-curriculum based responsibilities such as CCAs and administration duties, just to name a few out of the many, teachers often have neither the motivation nor the energy to source for interesting ways to engage their students during lessons. Their priority is to cover the syllabus in time, partly to “avoid questioning from complaining parents”.

Again, the disjointed effort displayed in educating our children has surfaced. Some parents are not participating positively, yet they are equally reluctant to give the schools full autonomy over their children’s education, despite it being in the best interest of their children. It further attests to the importance of informing and engaging our parents in a constructive and positive manner such that a spirit of cooperation and trust can be cultivated and tapped upon for the better and efficient education of our children. Only then, our students will be able to unleash their full potential and thrive under a system that encourages such potential.