Love and Hurt

No words can describe how happy I had been during the days that father was here. The house was full of warmth, laughter and a huge sense of security when he was around . Now it feels so empty and quiet.

It is.

There were a lot of emotions under that drape of simplicity one might observe on the surface. Yeah, we laughed our heads off over seemingly meaningless and lame jokes. We reminisced the good memories and cajoled about the bad ones. We treasured every single moment together and made an effort to make every second count , and now I'm just glad that Dad was here for me.

For us.

He did so many things for us. Since day one it seemed more like short term labor contract than a vacation to him: what with house moving, furniture moving and cooking like a stay-at-home Dad? his hands were full all day long and had very little time for himself. He was the cook, the domestic helper, the grocery shopper, the handyman, the laundry man, the cleaner, the mover and lastly, a very very entertaining father!　

I love him deeply and treasure every single moment with him. The wonderful thing is, I feel so much more composed, confident and energetic when he's around: simply happy from all the love and attention he gave me. For the first time in a long time, I felt the magical workings of love and family. If I was undernourished and starved of love from my past, all these missing parts have been filled now by this vacation.

No regrets, no grudge. I am satisfied, and know I am loved.

The Hurt

I have always liked to say "Truth always hurts", ironically, the phrase proves itself on me today. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to please them. I thought about the reasons leading to the never ending cycle of pressure and effort: he pushing me to try harder, convincing me that I should do it in the name of gratitude, me giving it a half-hearted attempt, never really felt that I am doing it on my own will.

There are these and those flaws in me waiting to be corrected. I felt more like a laboratory test subject than someone's girlfriend or daughter-in-law.

I used to think that my love will never waiver despite my friends giving me negative opinions on him and on our relationship. My love for him was so intense that nothing could have stopped me from giving more, not even the incessant pressure and pushing.

But now I just feel exhausted. I would rather I have never been accepted or received the favor. Because having possessed something you treasure and then losing it is worse than never had it in the first place. I have neither the faith in myself, in the relationship to give it one more try.

I don't believe in our love any more.

When someone who you have loved for2 year over thought of dumping you because of some imaginary ideas he cooked up based on his judgmental opinions, you need to think real hard about whether he is worth your heartbreak and whether the relationship is worth another try.

Because you worth less than his imaginary dignity and incredibly low self-esteem.

Because he cares more about saving face than hurting you.

Love had blinded me.

but now I see.

Chinese but "B" ?

The learning process never stopped despite me advancing into the last week of my internship. I felt that as an intern teacher, one can never have seen enough and heard enough.

This week has been another wonderful experience that has broadened my horizon and set me thinking, with regards to the teaching and learning of Chinese Language among the local schools.

Bartley has this Chinese Language course that was not offered in my Secondary School, which I was not previously aware of. It is the Chinese Language “B” syllabus designed for students who, despite additional support in school and beyond, have exceptional difficulties coping with Chinese Language. The new syllabus was introduced in 2001 and in place ever since.

In my opinion, it was a desperate measure on the part of MOE to retain students’ interest in Chinese language by compromising the standard of requirement and expectation.

Despite MOE’s good intention to help weaker students in their Chinese Language, I feel that many are taking it for granted, abusing the system in the sense that those who are capable of offering the standard CL syllabus took the new B syllabus as a “soft option”. During my relief teaching to such class taking the new “B” syllabus, I was dismayed to see just how many are taking the course seriously with their best interest and best efforts. Many students displayed a stubborn unwillingness to learn, and total refusal to work on assigned task. This has led me to realise that their dismal academic performance in Chinese Language is more a result of attitude than incapability. Admittedly, some are genuinely weak in languages, yet this group of students display the highest interest to learn.

Other students who are equally, if not more, capable in the learning of Chinese Language, are not pitching in the slightest effort, despite the assigned task given being a simple worksheet that is virtually spoon-feeding them the syllabus.

This phenomenon is alarming.

Despite MOE setting aside millions of dollars to develop the use of Chinese Language in our schools, our efforts will be in vain if our students are stubbornly unwilling to immerse themselves in the various programs and activities rolled out by the school in accordance with MOE’s long term goals.

I have thought hard and long with regards to the reasons that may have contributed to such attitude, and the following, in my opinion, are the main components, if not causes of the problem.

Firstly, parents who are disengaged in their child’ learning journey. I find this problem particularly frustrating and at the same time disappointing. Our society seems more interested in hoarding wealth than investing in their children’ future. Encouraged by what I have observed in Bartley, and looking to explore parental attitude among general public, I have talked to many parents after I started my internship, paying particular attention to their awareness in their children’s education progress. The conversations I have had corroborate with my school-based observation, that parents are not as involved and engaged as they should be in their child’s education. Very few parents actually knew what their child is majoring in (For parents whose children are undergraduates) and even fewer knew their real interests and passion. They have entrusted the responsibility of education entirely to the MOE or the schools, out of ignorance rather than trust. They have failed to realise that parents are equally important as schools and teachers in crafting the future path for the child, and therefore relinquish their responsibilities and duties as parents.

With such parents, it is not surprising to find our students harbouring such attitude. Parents would be the cornerstone in our efforts to achieve any changes, and therefore, I feel that the MOE should invest in raising awareness of the importance of learning Chinese Language among the parents as much as it does in schools.

Besides parents, I feel that schools and teachers should shoulder part of the blame in causing our students disinterested in the learning of the subject. Encouraged by the schools, teachers are too engrossed and concerned with covering the syllabus and this causes them to prioritise wrongly and to a certain extent, lose their bearing.

Results-driven model has its merits, but as far as the teaching of Chinese Language is concerned, I feel that this model impedes teaching and learning more than our schools have realised. On top of their non-curriculum based responsibilities such as CCAs and administration duties, just to name a few out of the many, teachers often have neither the motivation nor the energy to source for interesting ways to engage their students during lessons. Their priority is to cover the syllabus in time, partly to “avoid questioning from complaining parents”.

Again, the disjointed effort displayed in educating our children has surfaced. Some parents are not participating positively, yet they are equally reluctant to give the schools full autonomy over their children’s education, despite it being in the best interest of their children. It further attests to the importance of informing and engaging our parents in a constructive and positive manner such that a spirit of cooperation and trust can be cultivated and tapped upon for the better and efficient education of our children. Only then, our students will be able to unleash their full potential and thrive under a system that encourages such potential.

February Magic

I can't believe things are unrolling this way. First I flicked out my phone and did some random searches for flat rentals. Then I got really interested and immersed myself in the "mission". Followed by incessant and tiring but exciting house-viewings. Then I fell in love with a house, got into a big fight and cried hard because of the "house incident". I thought the house was a gone case and it made a turn back to my hands. Within merely a week of signing contract, I got the rooms rented out to fun-loving people. 10 days away lie my father and Johnny's march holiday. 15 days away await our lovely flatmates from German and Berlin. Life's just gotten beautiful, and Feb 2012 is the most hectic but immensely enjoyable part of my life so far.

Things are ironing out between Johnny, I know that this is for him, and him alone. As an elder sister, it's a mission accomplished, duty covered and more importantly love exchanged.

I was put down just few months back, when people gave me a piece of their 2 cents worth. They did not believe and me and had doubts over here and there. Things are never that simple, but never that tough either. There's always a way out and a way to go, and you never know whether you will fail or succeed until you try. Sometimes- decisions are best made when they are made alone.

I'm glad I made mine and insisted on it. To be enjoying the fruit of my effort is to live life according to my dreams.

Never be put down by others, believe in yourself!

Book Affair: Bad Luck and Troubles

Troubles and Bad Luck

by Lee Child

Recommended by a friend, this book proved to be more than enjoyable, but tremendously addictive, so much so that one is likely to seize every free moment one can possibly squeeze out of his already tight schedule, to read the book.

I reckon most readers, like me, faced the dilemma of fighting off the urge to turn the pages too quickly for the the fear of looming end, while trying to whet their unrelenting appetite for more.

Even though the ending was somewhat predictable: the triumph of the good over the bad, the victory of right over the wrong, the meandering road leading to its definite end is an enjoyable and worthwhile journey.

The story adopts a third-person narrative and centers mostly around Jack Reacher, or simply Reacher, a former leader in the most promising special investigation team the US army has ever had.

It begins with the most ordinary happening in mundane city life that will only rings an alarm bell to Reacher's unerring eyes : a unjustified deposit of $1030 into Reacher's bank account. A call to the bank confirmed his fear and sent him off to a journey with no return, a journey of putting back the old team for the investigation of a teammate's mysterious death. As the mystery was unveiled, Reacher and what was left of his team discovered a bigger scam threatening national and global security.

The book praises and worships comradeship, camaraderie, a spirit enshrined in several catchphrases, one of which the readers would not have missed would be "You do not mess with the special investigators" The spirit was best displayed by the seamless cooperation between Reacher, Neagley, Karla and O'Donnell, in their `pursuit to crack the case. They knew one another's natures so well that nothing could stand on their way to resolve their friends' deaths.

Besides the larger theme, there is a sustained subtle attention paid to the painful process of ex-army retirees adapting to feed themselves in a civilian world. None but one of the old team was "making it". With marvelous skills and incredible agility of the mind and body, as the author has accredited to his characters, it inevitably evoked a sense of revered sympathy. However, I believe this is not the writer's keenest intention. His attitude, best represented by the main character itself, is one of indifference and nonchalance.

Reacher is a apparent misfit in the civilian, standing conspicuously apart from all the mundane and ordinary components that constitute life that we all are so familiar with. But nowhere in the story suggested his vulnerability. In fact, as an isolated individual refusing to accept the norms, a conspicuous derail from the other teammates,he is more focused than anyone else, sharper and faster than they ever can be.

The story is action-packed, testing the author's ability to pen an accurate portrayal to a great length. I must say it is a job well done and I haven't seen anyone who can do it as good as Lee Child. I was literally watching the actions and fights unfolding right in front of me. The accomplishment of which is only attainable with both knowledge and experience in the security industry. In this respect, readers like me can be forgiven. Besides, Lee Child cunning employment of techniques in flaring up readers' appetite for more leave them totally defenseless. He used short sentences for impact and never failed to end the chapter with one, just at the climax of chapter.

Well, Lee Child has his own consideration for the readers The brief interjection of romance between Reacher and Karla brings momentary relief from the intensity of the team's pursuit and the suffocating mystery blanketing the the death of their four closest friends. What's more ingenious about Lee Child is that the "breaks" are well-paced to bring the much needed relief while maintaining a sense of urgency and a degree of intensity.

It is not, therefore, extravagant in saying that Lee Child can tell a great story, and he tell it good.

Roses and Broken Leg

Library Club Project Rose for Love

Just last week, while talking with Ms Yu, the teacher-in-charge of library club, I discovered that the Library Club is in need of manpower, as one of the teachers-in-charge is pregnant and Ms Yu needs assistance in managing the weekly programmes.

As Valentine’s Day is coming up, I thought of organizing a handicraft workshop for the librarians. It was an exciting idea and I did not hesitate for a second thought. With all the necessary materials at hands, I had the librarians seated around the table and conducted the workshop by showing them the process of making paper roses in a step-by-step manner.

The kids were interested, especially the girls. Just then, Ms Yu pointed out that the roses can be sold for charity purpose. The library club is visiting an old folks home in the upcoming weeks and Ms Yu thought it would be a good idea to donate the proceeds from rose-selling to the elderly. Our librarians liked the idea very much and became more motivated.

Basically, due to man power shortage and time constraint (as the students were just beginning to learn rose-making), we decided to set a realistic target. We should only target the teachers as, they can better afford the roses, and more willing to fork out the money. (Some of them with spouses or partners may even feel obliged to buy). That allowed us to set the price higher than our expectation and raise more for the elderly.

Meanwhile, I scuttled to message all my contacts about our impromptu project and there came our first order of bouquet. Ms Yu and I also advertised the roses among the Mother Tongue Department teachers and several other teachers I met at the Secondary Two campsite last Friday. The response was encouraging. This demonstrated how successful the project could be if given enough time and planning. Nonetheless, it was a valuable lesson and Ms Yu and I both agreed that it could be made into a tradition of the Library Club-selling roses for charity every Valentine’s Day!

Secondary Two Camp

Besides the premature charity project, the highlight of the week had to be the Secondary Two camp. It exposed me to other facets of a teacher’s life—their responsibilities and duty outside of the school compounds. The entire P.E department camped there overnight, plus the respective form teachers of all the participating classes, to make sure that things fall into place and the various programmes and activities installed by the camp instructors could be carried out smoothly. Besides cooperating with and assisting the camp instructors, the teachers had to be part of fun, literally.

During that short period of break time before dinner, all the teachers gathered and racked their brain for ideas in preparation for the “Teachers’ Show” later as a key event of the camp fire.

It was a challenging task.

The teachers tried their best to infuse valuable lessons and reinforce the key points emphasized during their Civic and Morals education lessons, such as the “Seven Habits”. On the other hand, they wanted to avoid preaching and make the skit as enjoyable as possible. That was where the difficulty lie.

Nevertheless, as it turned out, the skit was a successful one, winning applauses and cheers from the student crowds as they watched their teachers pitch in the fun. It was truly an unforgettable night where a lot of bonding took place.

It was also a revelation, as I witnessed how teachers took the initiative of fulfilling parental duties. They woke up earlier, slept late, ate alongside the students and helped answer their every need and problem. I witnessed how Mr Emery Lim, the P.E teacher messaged the thigh of boy who strained one of his legs during a soccer match, slowing spreading the ointment and helped the boy to stand, and ultimately, walk. I saw how Ms Xiu Mei, the Chinese Language teacher waited patiently for the students who needed to go home, and made arrangements to drove them home after a long and tiring day. By the time she should reach home,it would have been after twelve at midnight. Even our principal Mrs Mary Bay had to ferry one of the students home, as Ms Xiu Mei’s car could not accommodate such many students.

It was clear that when it came to the safety and well-being of students, every teacher had to go the extra mile, and there was never a limit or clear boundary as to how far one can go. I believed this facet that the camp revealed was only the tip of an iceberg, and there was much more to experience, to see and initiate.

Standing between the dead and living

“Standing between the dead and the living”

This is another quote from Mr Chin on education which he deems one of the most sacred professions. Mr Chin thought this biblical quote captures the essence of the responsibilities that rest on the shoulders of him and many other educators nowadays. Aaron, who saved thousands of sinful lives with his burning incense, is a personification of educators, who are expected to guide the students towards a worthy direction, and restore the lost souls onto the correct path.

“Guardian of social fabric, that is”, Mr Chin said, referring to the army of teachers whom he prefers to call “educators.” Indeed, we need to teach the students the right values, on top of equipping them with the right skills, so that Singapore’s future will be in safe hands.

“Seeing needs and meeting needs”, according to Mr Chin, is what educators should set out to do besides building relationships and crafting characters. This is echoed by the 21st Century Competencies Framework launched by the MOE in 2009 to equip our students with the capabilities required of the 21st century. This is exceptionally important especially for Singapore that relies heavily on its human capital, due to its inherent lack of natural resources.

Another facet of education that we touched on was how it can be closely linked with a country’s economic performance, political stability and more importantly, its social fabric which can either make or break a nation. The result of an educator in shaping the students, in moulding the school culture, can only be seen ten years down the road. Perhaps due to the exact same reason, similarly, education can have a far-reaching impact on the different aspects of the society. A poorly educated and ill-prepared generation of citizens can hardly lead the nation into a promising economic future, let alone securing a gainful position in the increasingly competitive world. The case studies of the European debt crisis reveal how important it is to put in place a relevant education system that delivers the relevant competencies.

Thanks to the extensive coverage of the European debt crisis, we know that Germany is the economic engine that’s kept the Eurozone afloat. The Germans attribute their success in large part to their dual education system. At a young age, schoolchildren are given options between vocational training to prepare them for employment or go to university.

While the system provides little flexibility, it delivers high youth employability Germany, as well as Switzerland and Austria — which has similar education models — have the lowest youth unemployment figures in Europe. Whereby countries like France and the U.K., which traditionally place a greater emphasis on college degrees, fare much worse.

However, it takes more than educators to put in place a change. Mr Chin likens the education system to a mega spaceship, in which schools, institutions, teachers, parents and students themselves have a part to play, similar to the different technical parts involved in a spacecraft.

We are not fighting a one-man war, if we were to achieve prescribed results and get our students to exhibit the hard and soft skills required of the 21st century, we need to involve every, and slowly manoeuvre the spacecraft.

So much effort, for such small changes. Mr Chin acknowledged that changes are hard to implement, and results are very often hard to measure, but we must do it.

However, one thing is sure: our education needs more such devoted teachers like Mr Chin.

LOST

Uninspiring.

I thought a lot about disparity, between me and those friends of mine that used to be physically around. They are no longer, either in the Army ready to go overseas, or already overseas chasing their dreams.

I don't know what is mine, and the thought of not knowing till I die, having lived a life in fear with inhibitions without realizing the dreams I once held dear, or not having any dreams to start with, is scary.

Like the picture shows, don't know where the future is leading, where the path is taking me.