A moment of truth

I had a dream, a very messy and chaotic one.

Well, to begin with, I was not supposed to sleep in the first place.

I was suppose to be studying, for the upcoming M.E test, and also to prepare myself for the Cambridge Interview, to prepare myself for the BIG DAY.

My mind was always wondering away when I'm studying, and when it's not, sleepiness took over. With this kind of efficiency, it's hardly gonna lead to to anywhere.

No fantastic score,no scholarship, and I have just killed the opportunity to study at Cambridge with my own bare hands.

The truth is, a lot of forces are playing within me: inferior complex, the inability to reconcile between what I think I should be and what I ACTUALLY am, the uninspiring patterns of everyday life. To be able to state all these, I acknowledge their existence, but I also acknowledge that each and every one of them was a result of a series of mistaken steps taken on my part. So I'm obviously the personification of Argentine throughout the 20th century.

It is simply horrendous that one is able to see the truth crystal clear and is unwillingly to take actions towards that truth. I'm well aware of my shortcomings, and and know exactly how they are hampering me, obscuring the future and all. I know exactly what to do to achieve those great things in life, yet I remain stuck in my old ways, living my life lavishing on those virtual dreams that keep pulling me away from reality. My feet are no longer firmly rooted to the ground, and I feel like running away from a place when I have barely sat there long enough. Future seems so obscure, I'm not sure I will make it there one day.

Another truth is, it is simply so hard when you are all on your own. Once again, you dont have to feel this way. Isolationist as I've always been, the road ahead must traveled by me and me alone.

张惠雯说

这城市整饬、狭小、闷热而潮湿。在这里，人所面临的最大问题不是生存的斗争、恶劣的环境、社会的不公，而是活力的衰微、爱情的丧失、人性的倦怠和漠然。

久违的幸福

现在的我不想睡觉，只想安静地享受这个宁静的夜晚

疲惫的身体，但是安宁的心灵。没有比这个更让人感到踏实的结合

在过去时光里囤积的物品，被我们遗忘在房间的某个角落

当它再一次撞进眼帘，好像穿越时空一样来到了今天

回忆如潮水，被反锁的昨天顿时被打开

然后耳环带着昨天和昨天的我，重新占据了我空无的躯体

终于，在经过了漫长的干枯，我的躯体重新有了重量

把房间排满熟悉的东西，就像一片一片地重新拼凑自己

Lost

feeling extremely lost. I just couldnt focus on the tasks I'm supposed to do. I spent hours day dreaming and thousands and thousands of random/irrelevant thoughts raced through my mind. I either run around the city or stay at home rot all day long.

Life has never felt so dead before.

Johnny's giving me another problem. He's barely sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night to play that stupid game of his, ending up sleeping for less than 3 hours a day, according to what he told me.

Broken families, rebellious and hot-tempered teenage brother. stressed out school. my life's in such as mess. the only thing I feel grateful about at times is the fact that I still have someone to spend time with. someone I want to spend my time with. Even that conviction is feeble. I have asked myself this question thousands of times before. but never got a conclusive answer. at times I say yes, while sometimes I have to say no.

Just could not make up my mind. and could not stop complaining about life.

University life sucks to the CORE. my life plunged into a whirlpool of problems/stress ever since the start of the school.FML. being miserable every.single.day.

Awkward Existence

I have wondered much about life these days. The most frequent question I have asked myself had been "what is the best form of life? of existence?". I have envisioned myself to be leading an array of lifestyles before, as a successful businesswoman,a high-ranking executive, sitting in posh office with personal secretary. But it's only now that I'm starting to see the truth, the reality.

The truth is, I didn't know myself, at all.

Apparently, what I've imagined myself to be, are never the ones that I can grow up to be one day. What I have condescendingly dismissed as boring and sedentary (a writing career maybe) seems to suit me better, much better than I have thought. There can be many explanations for this illusion:

1. My mental imagination is far more active than my physical activeness, resulting in reality always falling short of expectations.

2. I was blinded and irrational, couldn't sit still for a moment to ponder about the big questions of life :"Who am I?" and "What I want to become?"

3.The de-facto problem doesn't lie in me, but the system I'm working in. The academic curriculum and the non accademic one. Since people play a big part in shaping the system and how I feel about it, and I don't feel really excited about being around the people here, I guess that explains a lot as well.

well, I guess I gotta figure my way out of this illusion: either I activate myself physically to align with my expectation, or I switch my expectation to be in line with my actions. My visions and all those little things that I want to do must be congruent, in tandem with each other through-out the stages of my life. That way the whole thing will culminate into something big, something that will leave behind a legacy after I die.

So should I try first? Try my best to turn the engines on. Not blast it full-force, take it all-out. No, but move on steady, and keep trying till I can't stretch no more.

A day of self-esteem explosion

Today passed by in a swirl.

First I woke up with the conscious thought of the toastmaster's competition. Then, leaving Johnny first thing in the morning was something I've always been reluctant to do. My sole physical presence there will somehow give him as sense of security and makes me feel better inside. A feeling of assurance that I have done something for him, no matter how trivial it might seem.

To be perfectly honest, foreseeing that I may end up being stuck at SIM for the entire day does not help at all. It dampened my mood on a otherwise perfect SUNDAY morning.

Everything turned out to be the way I've imagined them to be. Except for one thing. I didn't expect that so few contestants (6 in total) would make it through semi-final, and intriguingly, I was one of them. The sheer joy of having your name read out loud as a finalist in front of a room packed with audience is really really, well, ENJOYABLE. Such intense feeling that still lingers in my heart as I type these words.

After all that I've been through, everything turned out to be worthwhile. The hours I've put in and the numerous times that I recited my script. Everything.

I guess as long as you fight hard, everything is worth hoping for.

* after-note: omg, reading it now I really had ZERO confidence then, that I even found my little success "intriguing". :(