How it Hurts

I am having this nervous attack again. It'll come all over me, in waves, during which my heart feels like it's being pinched, at regular interval. This happens whenever I confront my relationship, in a way to admit that there's something wrong with it. 

Things seem ok if I choose to be blissfully ignorant, but I do find myself brooding over the things he's done which hurt me, throughout the day. They hit me with sprouts of mild depressions every time I think. And I just cannot take my mind completely off these things, because le brain just switches to this mode whenever it's not occupied. Here am I having a relaxing holiday, so I have lots of time to spare, and lots of time to torture myself this way.

It is a wonder how another human being can inflict pain on you without having to whisper a word, or be physically near you. Because  you  can do the job entirely on your own, and the trigger lies within you. 

下一站，幸福

生活因为爱而美好

爱 无法强求

只要有人给予 我都愿意接受 欣然接受

纵然失落 也要抬头看看未来

爱一定会再次 以最不经意的方式 降临在我们的身上

不去怨恨 不去质问

有时爱的消失 如同它的出现一样 自然 

年輕意味著什麼？

這次的台灣之旅讓我收穫了一些東西，其中比較觸動我的，是台灣年輕人的活力。

在我看來，他們身上，除了台灣人普遍擁有的“拼”的精神，還閃爍著一股特有的生命力。讀書只是出頭的其中一種方式（到處可以看到xxx補習中心的招牌），很重要的一種。但慶倖的是，它在台灣絕不是唯一一種。還有許多年輕人，為了音樂，為了自己的創業，或者其他的愛好，穿梭在茫茫人海中。

這裡有一千零一種活法，無論你的愛好是什麼，總會有屬於你的天堂。 愛動漫，有宅男可以光顧的書店 （像誠品書店這種就比較大眾化）和主題咖啡廳，而且像One Piece 這種著名的漫畫還有它自己的主題展覽。愛藝術，到處都有大大小小的藝術展覽和文化活動。愛音樂，更有很多主唱歌手站台的酒吧活大型演唱會可以去。。。。總之，如果你是個愛生活的年輕人，那麼台灣真的是個很棒的地方。

而且台灣年輕人真的有兩把刷子。因為這個社會的包容性，（讀書並不是王道）他們是比較偏向于多才多藝的一群人，每個人都是鮮明的個體，沒有一窩蜂地選擇埋頭苦讀這一條枯燥的道路。

有些人的故事，真的有鼓舞人心的作用。

看《康熙來了》，主題是如何創業，邀請了許多有失敗經驗的年輕人來分享。顯然他們當中沒有誰讀書很棒，可是每個人都有很明確的目標，雖然失敗了，可是並沒有一蹶不振。其中有人又玩音樂（甚至出唱片），又自己創業，創業沒有維持下來，但是音樂卻一直在經營，同時籌備著東山再起，一直沒有放棄自己當老闆的夢想。

這樣的精神真的很棒。從他們身上，我覺得自己走的路，除了平凡，還過於按部就班。

思想還是停留在初小上學的階段，讀了中二讀中三，讀了中學才可以上高中。以這樣的邏輯，那我上了大學，才可以工作，而履行了六年合約后，才可以出來創業。在這個過程中，我忘了很重要的一點：年輕就是本錢。年輕人有的是體力和精力，按部就班的調調，本來就不需要去遵循啊！  這個階段的人，應該吃得了苦，可以同時兼顧雙份，甚至三份工作，因為說實在的，讀書真的是一份很輕鬆的工作。當然如果一個人希望通過努力鑽研得到成功，那就必須腳踏實地地研究學術，不能花心。

去台灣學到的東西

又回到了炎熱的新加坡，很巧的今天上Facebook就看到了朋友發的狀態，感嘆在台灣旅行時候感受的熱情。

是啊，回坡了，好像頓時少了什麼。

少了那股熱情，少了社會裡面人與人之間的互相理解，博愛大愛的精神，還有普通台灣人為生活拼搏，奮鬥的身影。這些元素，很難同時存在于一個地方。大陸人，某些夠熱情，但是缺少了和諧社會和博愛精神。新加坡，社會夠和諧，可是在人情味和拼搏方面遜色了很多。在我生活過得地方中，可以與之相較的就是緬甸了。

台灣離不開小吃，但是台灣美食之所以能夠享譽世界，種類繁多，我覺得和台灣人吃苦耐勞，愛拼破，愛創新的精神分不開。

在其他很多地方，吃是次要的，年輕人很少願意委屈自己，為一個小吃攤位打拼。可是在台灣，一個小小的魚圓店就是動輒三四十年。一代又一代。而且為了保證質量和口感等，往往願意耗時耗力，親力親為，意在做出讓客人滿意的食物。這種對品質的追求，真的很難得。

不管老小，在小小的店裡，靠自己的那雙手，為食客煮，炒，煎，烤。因為是自己的店，做起來當然就特別努力，即使再辛苦，也不會忘記對顧客微笑，儘量滿足顧客的需求。我們第一天晚上去吃滷味，看到老闆低頭慢慢地熬煮滷味，大汗淋漓的樣子，我心裡就會充滿感動。吃的時候，就會想起老闆的辛苦。要知道7月的台灣是非常非常熱得，他悶在又熱又小的店面里，多而不容易。當時那個畫面給我很大的震撼，導致當天晚上我久久不得入眠。那是一種為了生命力，一種頑強的態度。沒有無奈，沒有抱怨，沒有“身不由己”的疲憊感。

激勵到我的，滷味店的老闆。大部份時間都在低頭熬煮，可以想像一天下來脖子會有多痠痛！但是他完全沒有疲憊感，笑容可掬的樣子，很可愛呢。

類似這位老闆的台灣人，還有很多。他們有阿公阿嬤類型的，也有年輕創業型的，但無不努力地經營自己的小攤位。

反觀新加坡，在這個行業里，創業的少，創新的更少。為自己的店發奮努力的，更是很難遇到。所以小吃來來去去就是那幾樣。而店裡面站著的，大多都不是創業者，而是為別人打工的。因為不是自己的事業，不盡全力是理所當然的，服務態度不好，也司空見慣了。能偷懶就偷懶，能請假就請假，不論是哪個行業，新加坡人抱有一種心理，就是不佔老闆的便宜，偷個懶，利用一下公司的福利，就虧待了自己。偷了懶，又買了乖，才有賺到了的感覺。久而久之，好像做任何事情，都不再是為了自己，走到哪裡，都有上司，有老闆，我們的一言一行，都有一個Big Brother 在監視著。所以很多事情，不知道是發自內心，還是害怕被抓到把柄而做的。那是一種無法掙脫（或沒有勇氣掙脫）奴隸般的窘境。

在台灣，在捷運里主動讓位的年輕人，應該不是受到類似Stomp這類輿論的威脅，或是受到民眾在各大報刊輿論版的投訴信的影響吧？

賣手工炸豆腐的是一對老夫婦，60歲左右的樣子，阿嬤負責煎炸，阿公負責端盤打包。老老少少都在奮鬥哦！

Taking Stock

It's been two months since my last entry, and I'm sure the most predictable thing to say next will be: so many things have changed.

Talking about change, here's a line that is going to be my favorite for a long time. "We perceive time passing through change- seasons, aging, things like that. So to expand our time on earth, we must incite as much change in our lives as possible."

How simple, yet so true!

No wonder the past couple of months feel longer than ever. Well I didn't like all of the changes, cuz I didn't choose all of them . I was first thrown into this dark whirlpool of pain and heartbreak. But at the end it all turns out well, they end up teaching me many valuable lessons, many part of me, my new traits, my thinking and attitude form from reflecting on that period of my life. And...not forgetting the beautiful tattoo it's given me the reason to get! Whenever I become aware of it (sometimes you forget that you've gotten one), it lights up a little inside. :)

The nice changes that I chose to incite, are to be more loving (what my tattoo reminds me to do), forgiving, understanding, open-minded,  basically to have a big heart! Also, I've gotten into the habit of eating healthy and working out on a daily basis. It's the physical part of cultivating beauty! I believe the good things will ensue once you put yourself in the happy, grateful state of mind, and a fit physical state. And so far, I'm right.

Relationship wise, it's more amazing than ever, we are getting closer every day. Friendship wise, I've gotten much closer with Nishi and Stefie. Well, trust is one of the things I learned, it is the most important ingredient of lasting, rewarding friendship that brings so much joy, love and meaning to my life! (Secretly I'm doubtful if I would remain an active blogger, because I've learned to share my heart and soul with friends and loved ones...that blog might have to stay aside for a while  )

Work wise, I've learned to find a greater purpose to the things we call work: academic work, revising for exams, part-time job ect. It's definitely one of the ways of life, a path to find this evasive thing we call happiness- that is to find meaning behind everything in life- the good, the bad,the blessings and the curses:)

Next up in finding happiness: to put in that effort for revision!

妈妈的心情

妈，在搞莫
妈妈说 在做衣服
我问妈妈 缝衣服 给哪过？
妈妈说 给我自己

知道妈妈现在过着平淡的生活
做做衣服 养养花 我好欣慰
因为这份平静 来得太不容易

现在的我  终于能够了解 妈妈当时的心情
当你爱的男人 不爱你
当你爱的男人 爱上别人

就像硫酸 浇过你的心脏
腐蚀你的血和肉以后 散发出令人窒息的浓烟
封住你的喉咙

然后闪电般的 带走你躯体的温度
让你蜷缩在应该温暖的房间里
颤抖
颤抖
颤抖

现在的我  终于明白 妈妈当时的煎熬
竭斯底里和疯狂的背后 站的是一个失去了爱的女人
她有多疯狂 她就有多卑微
她有多极端 她就有多脆弱

理智 成了被困在痛苦中的俘虏
只有时间  才是她的救赎
一年 两年 三年
一天 两天 三天
在昼夜交替之间
在一呼一吸之间
她苦苦撑着

为的就是重拾那份
对生活支离破碎的信心
然后好好的活下去

Doing and Saying

Recently I've been thinking about this theme of connecting with people. The question I'm curious about is what leaves a greater impact, one's actions or words.

For a long time I believed that doing is more important than saying, or actions more important than words. (it's been my mantra, like a guiding principle, and caused me to make some mistakes in relationship and...just life in general).

The reasons I took up that firm belief were:

1) I did not always feel confident "talking" to people. 

Well honestly there were many times when I felt intimidated by the situation for no obvious reasons. Normally in this "mode" I wouldn't want to talk, and couldn't engage in a group conversation. My brain just shut off and I lose the ability to entertain people and be entertained.

That normally happens when I'm trapped with colleagues in a small space (people I'm not close to but know I'd have to spend a lot of time with). I felt uneasy and awkward in the sense that if I feel that they're not interested in talking to me, I'll quickly feel disheartened and won't take the initiative to talk to them. Very passive in a way. Yea.

This bothered me a lot, because I thought I wasn't out going enough, I'm anti-social and this and that..I got quite carried away so much so that at the back of my mind I kinda always had this feeling that people don't like me.   So as a way to make myself feel better I always told myself it's ok, what you say or don't say doesn't matter, it's what you do that define you as a person. Sure it did help take those worries off my mind. I stopped loathing myself constantly, and instead focused on doing things that make me feel good about myself, like doing more work in a group setting.

At the end of the day, I do want people to think good of me. And I still care how people think of me. Though definitely not as much as before. 

2) People are forgetful. 

Not that they really forget, but people's feelings change, circumstances change. We not only change emotionally and psychologically within, but also change in response to our surroundings, the people and friends around us. We get influenced by friend and family and happenings all the time. So there can hardly be anything uttered by the mouth,  that can forever seal in the state of something. 

That's why I don't believe in promises (relationship-wise), things like 非你不娶 or 我认定你了. And I don't think guys who say these and later break up with the girls are 负心汉. Simply because any such phrases should not be held accountable. They only hold true when they are said, but not necessarily after. It's like breaking up the present and future, and looking at today and tomorrow as distinct, separate time periods. Every period is fresh, new, and independent of one another.

I'm sure they mean it when they say it. But so many changes happen that it can be very far from the truth afterwards.  A lot of things that we say, belong to this category. 

So I told myself, what I say will be quickly forgotten, let me not be bothered by my inability to say nice things. Just focus on doing the nice things (for others and myself). 

For the past two months of so I realized I've put too little time in connecting with people the right way, and instead spent too much time immersed in work. Studies and house work. Always in a rush, always doing something. In the process of "doing", I missed out on a lot:

Things like just focusing on the person talking to you, thinking of ways to engage him/her, to ask interesting questions or give helpful advice--basically just giving your 100% to connect with people.