It's been two months since my last entry, and I'm sure the most predictable thing to say next will be: so many things have changed.
Talking about change, here's a line that is going to be my favorite for a long time. "We perceive time passing through change- seasons, aging, things like that. So to expand our time on earth, we must incite as much change in our lives as possible."
How simple, yet so true!
No wonder the past couple of months feel longer than ever. Well I didn't like all of the changes, cuz I didn't choose all of them . I was first thrown into this dark whirlpool of pain and heartbreak. But at the end it all turns out well, they end up teaching me many valuable lessons, many part of me, my new traits, my thinking and attitude form from reflecting on that period of my life. And...not forgetting the beautiful tattoo it's given me the reason to get! Whenever I become aware of it (sometimes you forget that you've gotten one), it lights up a little inside. :)
The nice changes that I chose to incite, are to be more loving (what my tattoo reminds me to do), forgiving, understanding, open-minded, basically to have a big heart! Also, I've gotten into the habit of eating healthy and working out on a daily basis. It's the physical part of cultivating beauty! I believe the good things will ensue once you put yourself in the happy, grateful state of mind, and a fit physical state. And so far, I'm right.
Relationship wise, it's more amazing than ever, we are getting closer every day. Friendship wise, I've gotten much closer with Nishi and Stefie. Well, trust is one of the things I learned, it is the most important ingredient of lasting, rewarding friendship that brings so much joy, love and meaning to my life! (Secretly I'm doubtful if I would remain an active blogger, because I've learned to share my heart and soul with friends and loved ones...that blog might have to stay aside for a while )
Work wise, I've learned to find a greater purpose to the things we call work: academic work, revising for exams, part-time job ect. It's definitely one of the ways of life, a path to find this evasive thing we call happiness- that is to find meaning behind everything in life- the good, the bad,the blessings and the curses:)
Next up in finding happiness: to put in that effort for revision!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
妈妈的心情
妈,在搞莫
妈妈说 在做衣服
我问妈妈 缝衣服 给哪过?
妈妈说 给我自己
知道妈妈现在过着平淡的生活
做做衣服 养养花 我好欣慰
因为这份平静 来得太不容易
现在的我 终于能够了解 妈妈当时的心情
当你爱的男人 不爱你
当你爱的男人 爱上别人
就像硫酸 浇过你的心脏
腐蚀你的血和肉以后 散发出令人窒息的浓烟
封住你的喉咙
然后闪电般的 带走你躯体的温度
让你蜷缩在应该温暖的房间里
颤抖
颤抖
颤抖
现在的我 终于明白 妈妈当时的煎熬
竭斯底里和疯狂的背后 站的是一个失去了爱的女人
她有多疯狂 她就有多卑微
她有多极端 她就有多脆弱
理智 成了被困在痛苦中的俘虏
只有时间 才是她的救赎
一年 两年 三年
一天 两天 三天
在昼夜交替之间
在一呼一吸之间
她苦苦撑着
为的就是重拾那份
对生活支离破碎的信心
然后好好的活下去
妈妈说 在做衣服
我问妈妈 缝衣服 给哪过?
妈妈说 给我自己
知道妈妈现在过着平淡的生活
做做衣服 养养花 我好欣慰
因为这份平静 来得太不容易
现在的我 终于能够了解 妈妈当时的心情
当你爱的男人 不爱你
当你爱的男人 爱上别人
就像硫酸 浇过你的心脏
腐蚀你的血和肉以后 散发出令人窒息的浓烟
封住你的喉咙
然后闪电般的 带走你躯体的温度
让你蜷缩在应该温暖的房间里
颤抖
颤抖
颤抖
现在的我 终于明白 妈妈当时的煎熬
竭斯底里和疯狂的背后 站的是一个失去了爱的女人
她有多疯狂 她就有多卑微
她有多极端 她就有多脆弱
理智 成了被困在痛苦中的俘虏
只有时间 才是她的救赎
一年 两年 三年
一天 两天 三天
在昼夜交替之间
在一呼一吸之间
她苦苦撑着
为的就是重拾那份
对生活支离破碎的信心
然后好好的活下去
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Doing and Saying
Recently I've been thinking about this theme of connecting with people. The question I'm curious about is what leaves a greater impact, one's actions or words.
For a long time I believed that doing is more important than saying, or actions more important than words. (it's been my mantra, like a guiding principle, and caused me to make some mistakes in relationship and...just life in general).
The reasons I took up that firm belief were:
1) I did not always feel confident "talking" to people.
Well honestly there were many times when I felt intimidated by the situation for no obvious reasons. Normally in this "mode" I wouldn't want to talk, and couldn't engage in a group conversation. My brain just shut off and I lose the ability to entertain people and be entertained.
That normally happens when I'm trapped with colleagues in a small space (people I'm not close to but know I'd have to spend a lot of time with). I felt uneasy and awkward in the sense that if I feel that they're not interested in talking to me, I'll quickly feel disheartened and won't take the initiative to talk to them. Very passive in a way. Yea.
This bothered me a lot, because I thought I wasn't out going enough, I'm anti-social and this and that..I got quite carried away so much so that at the back of my mind I kinda always had this feeling that people don't like me. So as a way to make myself feel better I always told myself it's ok, what you say or don't say doesn't matter, it's what you do that define you as a person. Sure it did help take those worries off my mind. I stopped loathing myself constantly, and instead focused on doing things that make me feel good about myself, like doing more work in a group setting.
At the end of the day, I do want people to think good of me. And I still care how people think of me. Though definitely not as much as before.
That normally happens when I'm trapped with colleagues in a small space (people I'm not close to but know I'd have to spend a lot of time with). I felt uneasy and awkward in the sense that if I feel that they're not interested in talking to me, I'll quickly feel disheartened and won't take the initiative to talk to them. Very passive in a way. Yea.
This bothered me a lot, because I thought I wasn't out going enough, I'm anti-social and this and that..I got quite carried away so much so that at the back of my mind I kinda always had this feeling that people don't like me. So as a way to make myself feel better I always told myself it's ok, what you say or don't say doesn't matter, it's what you do that define you as a person. Sure it did help take those worries off my mind. I stopped loathing myself constantly, and instead focused on doing things that make me feel good about myself, like doing more work in a group setting.
At the end of the day, I do want people to think good of me. And I still care how people think of me. Though definitely not as much as before.
2) People are forgetful.
Not that they really forget, but people's feelings change, circumstances change. We not only change emotionally and psychologically within, but also change in response to our surroundings, the people and friends around us. We get influenced by friend and family and happenings all the time. So there can hardly be anything uttered by the mouth, that can forever seal in the state of something.
That's why I don't believe in promises (relationship-wise), things like 非你不娶 or 我认定你了. And I don't think guys who say these and later break up with the girls are 负心汉. Simply because any such phrases should not be held accountable. They only hold true when they are said, but not necessarily after. It's like breaking up the present and future, and looking at today and tomorrow as distinct, separate time periods. Every period is fresh, new, and independent of one another.
I'm sure they mean it when they say it. But so many changes happen that it can be very far from the truth afterwards. A lot of things that we say, belong to this category.
I'm sure they mean it when they say it. But so many changes happen that it can be very far from the truth afterwards. A lot of things that we say, belong to this category.
So I told myself, what I say will be quickly forgotten, let me not be bothered by my inability to say nice things. Just focus on doing the nice things (for others and myself).
For the past two months of so I realized I've put too little time in connecting with people the right way, and instead spent too much time immersed in work. Studies and house work. Always in a rush, always doing something. In the process of "doing", I missed out on a lot:
Things like just focusing on the person talking to you, thinking of ways to engage him/her, to ask interesting questions or give helpful advice--basically just giving your 100% to connect with people.
Things like just focusing on the person talking to you, thinking of ways to engage him/her, to ask interesting questions or give helpful advice--basically just giving your 100% to connect with people.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
过去的已过去 未来的还未来
这句话 是他给我寄的第一封 也是最后一封信中的一句话
每当夜幕降临 我都会好想念他 或者说 想念我们可以变得更好 更恩爱的可能
脑海中出现的画面并不是回忆 是 我们曾经有过非常美好的回忆
但是那是当初的当初 人是健忘的 有许多事情随着时间的流逝 已经记不清
过去的两年多 聚少离多 即使同在一个城市 缺鲜少分享对方的生活
就像接触频繁的过客 一期一会 总有一个人要对另一个说 拜拜
现在记忆犹新的 恐怕都是糟糕的东西
对方做的不好的事 说过的伤人的话
慢慢 因为过多的消极 感情失去了平衡
分开 似乎成了最自然的东西
我后悔的是 或许我们都可以多做点什么 但是我没有
我想拿起一把螺丝刀 乘着时光机回到过去
修修这里 修修那里
把扭曲的地方 矫正 把那些皱褶 烫平
或许那样 我想象中的可能 真的会成为现实
但是我无能为力 因为过去的已过去 还未来的未来 我们还是会分隔两地
每当夜幕降临 我都会好想念他 或者说 想念我们可以变得更好 更恩爱的可能
脑海中出现的画面并不是回忆 是 我们曾经有过非常美好的回忆
但是那是当初的当初 人是健忘的 有许多事情随着时间的流逝 已经记不清
过去的两年多 聚少离多 即使同在一个城市 缺鲜少分享对方的生活
就像接触频繁的过客 一期一会 总有一个人要对另一个说 拜拜
现在记忆犹新的 恐怕都是糟糕的东西
对方做的不好的事 说过的伤人的话
慢慢 因为过多的消极 感情失去了平衡
分开 似乎成了最自然的东西
我后悔的是 或许我们都可以多做点什么 但是我没有
我想拿起一把螺丝刀 乘着时光机回到过去
修修这里 修修那里
把扭曲的地方 矫正 把那些皱褶 烫平
或许那样 我想象中的可能 真的会成为现实
但是我无能为力 因为过去的已过去 还未来的未来 我们还是会分隔两地
Monday, February 10, 2014
为什么难过
当我环顾四周,这个曾经有过你的空间,我会感慨、会难过。我用想象把虚幻的你,放到我的房间里,想象着如果你看到我现在看到的一切,你会发现我许多可爱的小细节。你会发现我是个值得疼爱,值得拥有你的爱的一个女孩儿。
可惜,有些事只有在已经成为过去式之后,才会变得清晰。而有些人,只能面对这些事,看着事看着人走进回忆之后,才努力变得更好、更动人。
那些坏习惯,那些阻碍过我们的糟粕,只有在我们转身离开后,才从我们身上脱落。曾经它们是多么顽固,现在发现,不过如此而已。
但无奈的是,就算我渐渐蜕变成一个你会更爱的我,我们已经不在一起。你无法品尝到我重生的心,就像河水永远无法知道,在它滋润过的土壤上生长出来的果实,是什么滋味。河水自顾自地奔向遥远的方向,但,这不是你,毕竟你不是离开的那一个。
谁都曾经是青涩的果实。我们互相咬到了对方最苦涩的那一口,痛苦和伤害,就像许久都去不掉的残留,钻到舌根上只能灰溜溜地走。
可是当彼此渐渐成熟的时候,最终把我们摘下的,却已经不是当初的那一个。
可惜,有些事只有在已经成为过去式之后,才会变得清晰。而有些人,只能面对这些事,看着事看着人走进回忆之后,才努力变得更好、更动人。
那些坏习惯,那些阻碍过我们的糟粕,只有在我们转身离开后,才从我们身上脱落。曾经它们是多么顽固,现在发现,不过如此而已。
但无奈的是,就算我渐渐蜕变成一个你会更爱的我,我们已经不在一起。你无法品尝到我重生的心,就像河水永远无法知道,在它滋润过的土壤上生长出来的果实,是什么滋味。河水自顾自地奔向遥远的方向,但,这不是你,毕竟你不是离开的那一个。
谁都曾经是青涩的果实。我们互相咬到了对方最苦涩的那一口,痛苦和伤害,就像许久都去不掉的残留,钻到舌根上只能灰溜溜地走。
可是当彼此渐渐成熟的时候,最终把我们摘下的,却已经不是当初的那一个。
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Preparing for PSC Scholarship Interview
I had my PSC scholarship interview two years back in March 2012. I understand that it can be one of the most nerve-wrecking interviews faced by hopeful scholars out there, and that there isn't much being shared by people who have gone through them, that's why I'm writing this, in time for the new interview cycle. (I myself sieved through the Internet for advice, couldn't find much).
Instead of telling you the specific questions to "prepare for", I'm gonna generalize it because, a) obviously they won't ask you the same question, they might, but very unlikely. b) for you to see the pattern and apply to suit your own case.
You know you'll be faced with 7-8 interviewers, with mainly 2-3 taking turn to ask questions. Your interview should last for 15-20 mins.
During that time, be prepared to:
1) Take ANY question that concerns you.
It can be anything associated with you that's reflected on your "report": your choice of uni, country of study, choice of career (most important of all), and even..your background. Every interviewer has pieces of paper laid out in front them, you can imagine what's on there. If they know you've got volunteering experience, it's likely that they'll discuss things relevant to that. This is especially likely if volunteering happens to be the highlights of current affairs at the time.
what they asked me
As I was born in Myanmar, the first question they asked after I barely sat down was "Which is the first country that Daw Aung San Su Kyi visited after her release from house arrest". Myanmar's opening up was a hot topic at the time, so it's kind of expected. I can discuss the topic at ease, but the question nearly caught me off guard because it's so specific, I was able to answer it only because I read the news paper at the reception while waiting for my turn. It was on the first page of TODAY, I didn't even had the time to flip.
Yea sometimes it's luck. It's impossible to know the answer to every question, and the interviewers know it. So when you don't know the answer, my advice is to be truthful. That's what I did. "Sorry, I don't know". They would want to see how you react to questions you have no answer to. So this lady gave me hints. (the same lady who asked about Aung San Su Kyi ), with her help I got the answer, it's like educated guesswork. You can make it work for you, by showing that though you've no answer to that, you know the topic enough to make an intelligent guess. Even if it's an incorrect guess, you've demonstrated your ability at rational thinking. :)
2) Take questions on current affairs...
...even if they are million miles away from your field of interests. Of course they're more likely to ask you questions that are relevant to your experience in JC/CCA/Uni course, that is a given, but what differentiates PSC interview from a Ministry interview is this bit. You need to demonstrate that besides your field of interests, you pay attention to what's going on around you in and outside the country, the topics that might arise in the interview vary, depending on your profile. So be prepared to talk about it:)
What they asked me
the expected:
At the time of my interview, the euro-zone sovereign debt crisis was unfolding, two days before my interview France elected a new President. Since I wanted to study economics in the UK, they obviously pitched on Europe, we discussed the topic for no less than 10 mins : why Greece's defaulting on its sovereign debt, France's new president, whether the election will help solve euro-zone's problems..etc. To be honest, a few minutes into the interview, I became rather comfortable and actually enjoyed the discussion. I'll tell you my way of preparing for all these.
The unexpected:
The expulsion of Bo Xilai, a former Communist Party chief(薄熙来)!! I didn't see this coming at all but did know roughly what happened. So yea, prepared to talk about anything really.
3) To challenge the given
There isn't a rigid formula, that you must say no less than two sentences to challenge the view of the interviewers. There's no answer to what you should say, when to say it and how. It's hard to strike a balance so you don't come across as overtly defiant. Here you need to trust yourself and rely on your instincts and the social self inside you. They'll ask for your opinions on a few things, as they did me, you need to demonstrate that you are able to think critically, approach the question from another perspective and so on.
What they asked me.
(with relevance to Bo Xilai's case) "Is he really wrong? why are many Chinese officials still paying him visits after his arrest? (he gave a figure)" I said something along the line of : Is that figure really representative? I just think that Chinese politics is complicated, what we observe may not reflect the underlying intentions.
4) to discuss your decisions
This is again a given, but it's best to seriously think through them beforehand. Why that uni? why that course? why UK/US/Singapore? Why public service? Not only the big but also the small questions.
This is again a given, but it's best to seriously think through them beforehand. Why that uni? why that course? why UK/US/Singapore? Why public service? Not only the big but also the small questions.
I felt good about my interview because:
a) I was being honest with my answers. I was honest to say "I don't know" to questions I couldn't answer, also to tell them that I've applied to another private scholarship. They did delve into that and asked why I chose that particular career and what I think about the two (Teaching for PSC). Be truthful about what you think & how you feel.
b) I was being myself. It wont do you good to pretend like someone you are not, this is true for all interviews in general, not only scholarship ones.
c) I engaged myself and tried to enjoy the discussion. Don't assume that they are out there to catch you, take their questions as a way to get to know you as a person, then trust yourself and answer them such that your personality, your interests/passion reveal themselves naturally.
d) I was not trying hard to impress. Talk only how much you know, especially topics that you are't so sure about. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, if you try too hard to impress on everything, including your weakness, you might lead them into thinking that's your strength and go in-depth on the topic.
What I did before interview:
It's something we all need to work on, not telling you to "study" for interview, just so that you prime yourself nicely and be ready to shine! :) I've picked up some advice from someone while researching for my own interview on the net (A big thank you to that unknown soul!), just want to share so more people can benefit, as they've worked for me.
a) I didn't read much newspaper, instead I tuned in to news channel..
.. when I was at home doing my own random stuff (like cleaning up my room). Because...reading is boring, and I cannot absorb much by reading. Also if you realize, newspaper articles are meant to give a lot of details, date, time, quotes blah blah blah. We might lose focus and in our Kiasu spirit, try to cram in the unnecessary bits. On the other hand, TV channel delivers the news to you in smaller, more concise chunks, in a sweet and friendly female voice that's also appealing to the ears. You can absorb more with less effort! Channel NewAsia is a good option. My favourite is Phoenix TV (凤凰卫视) cuz that's what my dad used to watch every single morning. It's literally the noise backdrop of our household. If you're at home let the news rolling 24/7, the recurring topics they keep discussing on the TV will eventually stick to your brain. (Hopefully)
b) I blogged.
This I picked up from that unknown soul on the Internet, I'm still thankful to him now. You don't necessarily need to blog, at the time I was already blogging so I naturally used it as a platform. It's good to write about the decisions you've made, the experiences you've had, concerning your past/future, uni/courses, anything and everything. The process will help you sort out your thoughts, and solidify certain abstract things. In a way, you're finding the answers to those interview questions through reflections. So when they day comes, all you need to do is articulate what you already have in your heart. It's best if you can start doing it one or two months before hand. It's a good habit anyway so I didn't do it only for the interview:)
Last Piece of advice
I feel that the biggest take away from my interview is that, you can never perfectly prepare for any interview, and the best preparation you can do is to know yourself, inside out. Some questions may seem simple and the answers straight forward, but perhaps it's only until you give them serious thoughts would you know why certain things are the way they are.
Good luck! with lots of love <3
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
A late discovery
I always seemed to be doing things so quick,
everything. Like daily chores such as cooking, laundry, or even moving myself-I
almost always walk faster than whoever happens to be walking beside me.
It’s like I’m too task-oriented. Finishing
things was all that I wanted (but also disliked) doing. I neglected the
feelings bit. Now I’m starting to appreciate the beauty of taking it easy,
taking it slow. Regrettably it could’ve happened
earlier.
It’s been so long that this
habit of wanting results with a snap of the fingers, it has become part of me. It
defines every aspect of my life, my work, relationship, social life…I can see
now that it’s the reason why certain things are they way they are. Especially
the relationship bit.
This trait that’s so deeply ingrained in me, has a
lot to do with the growing up experience.
To go back in time, the first time I
heard someone pointing out to me that I was always anxious about things, always seemed to be in a rush, was
when I was 13. Such innocent tender time, what’s there to worry about? Well, that’s when I relocated from Shanghai to Singapore, an unsettling experience where I felt totally out of place, unwelcomed and depressed. Since then I’ve lived by on my own, without
parents, with no family.
I grew anxious and worrisome, because no one’s gonna
watch my back. I have to do every single thing by myself. Even today when I look
back I cannot believe I’ve gone through so much all on my own, the most crucial ten
years that’ll shape a person’s character
and world views.
Circumstances needed me to be strong, to be
independent, to think ahead of times and to take up responsibilities prematurely. It’s like if I wasn’t sleeping, I would be
trudging, pulling and tugging and sweating and panting, just to put pieces of
my life in what I believed to be their rightful places, so that my life will
sail forward, like a small tiny boat overwhelmed by the unpredictable but
powerful sea, that was the future.
Through storm and tides, the lonely sailor must
sail the boat forward.
Here I am today, strong willed, independent (too
independent to appreciate the value of relationship which is inherently
mutually dependent). I’m still subtly anxious when reality doesn’t meet my expectations,
and worry endlessly about the unforeseeable future.
I couldn’t help myself.
But it’s time for me to change, for the
better.
I know I no longer need to worry about the
future. Because the future has taken form, it's become the present. And because time has blessed me with experience and the coming of age has
endowed me with assurance. I’m no longer a powerless kid.
I have perfect control over my future, through
my actions. I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed all the times anymore. And the best gift for myself is to allow
myself to do things slowly (or don’t do them at all if I don’t feel like J ), to
be weak occasionally (it’s ok, or even good sometimes to be the weaker party)
and let time and nature take their course.
Move slowly, so as to better appreciate the
sceneryJ you’re
only here briefly, so follow your heart and don't let your worries consume you. J
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