This is a stressful and competitive place. Not that other cities I've lived in are't competitive. But competition and the chase for accolades are't everything. But here, I cannot help but feel that they ARE everything.
Most of the time I have little conviction in myself. I would say I don't believe in myself and tend to be easily swayed. The desire to please is something I have grown to become ashamed of. (But Stephen Fry having confessed that he, too, was and is still very much like that, serves to console my soul A LOT)
Well, it used to be more serious and I used to have lower-than-normal self-esteem, living in constant fear and anxiety. Those days are long gone (Thankfully!) but the prospect of them coming back is so damn real, as every now and then they would resurface.
It's like an evil creature lurking somewhere in my mind. All it takes is a few thoughts of self-doubts and everything I've built will crumble down. I can live with the fact that I am never truly confident,( because they say successful people are not without self-doubt but they accept it) but I cannot live on without putting up a fight! And this fight will be a skillful combination of mental strength, a willful understanding of self and an casual awareness of the passing of time.
Best if done unconsciously. If you know what I mean.
That casual awareness, I believe, is the realization of the what life holds eventually. At the end of the day, will others care as much as you think they do over what you've done or said? over what you've NOT done and said? People are essentially forgetful, and selfish. Nothing matters to them more than the well-being of themselves (and their loved ones for some). One thought leads to another and soon you'll realize which is also the gist of this blog entry, that your life is only yours and others have absolutely no say in how you should run it.
Nobody should let oneself succumb to self-destruction! For me, the reminder about how UTTERLY UNNECESSARY my suffering (or what I thought it to be) was lie in the following words:
THINK! think of the old days when you were so afraid about what the future holds, paranoid that somehow something will go wrong. You were never able to relax, take a mental break, or be yourself. You constantly wanted to make things right and please others, but while doing that, YOU LOST YOURSELF.
But who were you doing this for? and WHO THE HELL CARED? All those uneasy/ silent moments you have quietly suffered. They were for NOTHING! nothing at all! Then what's your LOSS? Gone are the days when you could have lived free as a bird. Gone are the days when you could have enjoyed your youth a little bit more. They can never be recovered. Now count your loss and promise yourself not to let another day slip through your fingers, into the wallow of misery.
Remember, the hardest battle is fought not with others, but with oneself. Accept yourself and your insecurities. Embrace them whole-heartedly. They make you who you are and what you then need to do is go ahead and live life any way!
:)
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