回顾过去这一年 (一)

我一直都说2012是我的幸运年，这一年里发生了许多放在以前我会觉得简直就是奇迹的事情。因为快乐，这年匆匆的过去了，特别是最后那三个月，似乎只是一眨眼的时间。

只有经历低谷后，才会迎来高峰。只有尝到了落魄的滋味，才有了东山再起的欲望。

2011年8月份进入国大之后的3、4个月，是我人生最灰暗，最低落的时段。现在回想起来，每次换环境，我会一连几个月感到焦虑不安，心情抑郁。一零年高中结束后直到一一年8月开学，这段期间里我特别自在，生活在不用和陌生人打交道的舒适圈里。所以8月份入学时，遭遇了很大的打击。

那时候的我严重缺乏自信，没办法和身边的人维持超过三五分钟的对话，和不熟悉的人在一起感到窘迫、压力、无法自己。害怕群体、更害怕孤独，我回避社交、回避认识的人，一个人的时候却又不知所措，心里恨透了自己。或许我当时有点轻微的自闭症，后来情况愈演愈烈，因为焦虑，嘴上得不停的吃零食、买零食来转移自己的注意力。几个星期就吃胖了好几公斤。过后好几次跑到厕所强迫自己呕吐。

那时候的我就是这么一团糟，是个抑郁的一塌糊涂的女生。每次和ZJ见面他都想尽办法帮我暂时摆脱忧郁的心情，见没什么成效后他也就条件发射性地觉得和我见面是种压力，我能感觉出他怕和我见面，怕见面后两人的痛苦。

身边的人也尝试过和我沟通、开导我。当时的同班中有C,A 两个女生听过我的诉苦，还有一个叫K的男同学。我要谢谢他们，在我无助的时候，给我带来片刻的慰藉。更要谢谢Mar和May, 两个我最好的朋友，用尽各种办法让我开心，陪我做开心的事情。

一一年9月初，对现实生活很不满意的我，毅然决定填报UCAS，梦想着有一天可以离开这个困住我的鬼地方，远赴英国。 10月我在C的鼓励下递交了到报馆实习的申请表格，当时我天真地认为自己患上抑郁症是因为选错了专业，和C诉苦后她鼓励我换院系。大概在同一个时间申请了教育部的实习。

大约一个月后，一天上课回来我接到了报馆人事部打来的电话，通知我改天过去参加笔试。放下电话我好兴奋！从商学院大楼走回PGP宿舍的这一段路，仿佛一条阳光道，散发出令人昏眩、陶醉的光芒。那是久违的、成功的滋味，我心里暗暗觉得离脱离苦海的日子已经不远了。

可惜人在脆弱的时候失败所带来的打击要更大，更有杀伤力。11中旬我到了报馆大楼参加笔试，总共有辨字、找错字、填空、排列句子和写文章几个部分。我想我的卷子可以用惨不忍睹来形容。许久没认真提笔写字的人，加上忧郁症神经质，当然写不出像样的东西。背着包从报馆大门走出来，整个人恍恍惚惚的。但茫然之余，现实的打击已将我狠狠的拍醒。我第一次醒悟：中文并不是我的避风港，我不属于中文系，也不应该把转系当成我的精神寄托。认清了这残酷的现实，我陷入了更深的抑郁：如果转系不是我的救赎，那我将何去何从？我意识到其实自己一直把转系当成幌子，归根究底，还是因为自己心理素质差，适应不了新的环境，才患上忧郁症无法自拔。这个认识击破了我的最后一道防线，最后的一丝希望在我走出报馆的那一刻烟消云散了。

11月底、12月初是国大的考试季，当大家都忙得焦头烂额的时候，仍深陷忧郁症泥泞的我完全处于抽离状态。考试对我来说不痛不痒。看别人上学习室，我也跟进去，虽然蹲在里面的时间不比别人少，但那时的我已经失去了专注能力，浮躁的心情让我无法在书本上停留超过5分钟，只能在煎熬中把试考完，非常痛苦。ZJ这时减少了和我见面的次数，我们通过短信联系，说是为了让我专心考试，但我隐约感觉到这时的他大大地松了一口气。

这期间我接到了教育部发来的信，要我参加面试，要通过面试才能去实习。那天似乎是12月3日，面试在教育部某个大厅举行，登记的时候我遇到了高中交情还不错的学弟。说实话这次见面我感到无地自容，因为在我这届的同学们都已经找到方向，名扬海外的时候，我一个毕业一年多的老毕业生在还和学弟学妹们角逐实习机会，这让我难堪。无论如何，面试进行得还算顺利，不久之后教育部寄来的训练和正式实习的安排。同时段报馆人事部打来数次电话，和我安排面试。如此看来，2011年的落幕并不是太糟糕，总算是在糊里糊涂加上严重抑郁的情况下过去了。

2012年1月开头的三天里，我参加了教育部为我们准备的训练课程。我被安排到了巴特礼中学，1月9号星期一，我正式来巴特礼报道，开始了早起晚归的生活。那时我住在ZJ的家里，早上5点45爬起来，中午3、4点放学后我必须赶往补习处给孩子们补习。到家已是晚上9点多。就是那时候开始，我开始写博客记录我的生活，一半是出于每周要写实习周记的缘故，加上我感觉那几个星期的生活颇具新鲜感，所以记录了许多教书时候的点滴。1月中旬过后叔叔来新加坡短暂地呆了4、5天，给我们留下巨额红包，我带他到处玩，就像小时候在上海他带我们到处看一样，回报他的恩情。

二月，持续着早出晚归的生活，几乎没有时间去看弟弟。他托管在别人家里有一年了，有大半年的时间都在埋怨我不租自己的房子住。我生活在ZJ家里，看着8、9个人同住一个屋檐分担房租，加上禁不住弟弟的软磨硬泡，终于决定自己组间房子和弟弟搬出来住。于是生活变得更忙，像着魔了一样在网上浏览房屋广告，下班后到处看房，给人家发短信自我介绍啥的成了我休息时必干的事。看的房子不下10处，却始终没有看到合心意的。

三月初，实习正式结束了，两个月的工作，领到了两千多块钱的薪水，加上补习，几个月下来荷包颇丰满。同时房子也有了着落，找了一处在榜鹅新区的五房式组屋，环境很好，像公寓。10号我亲爱的父亲来到了新加坡，刚好弟弟放小假，那段时间特别特别充实，父子三人到处跑，很开心，很快乐。他来后我们特别忙。敲定13号搬家，在那之前我们一起参加博览中心的家具展，我看到一款心仪的藤子座椅，非常喜欢，老爸爽快地帮我买下。迁入新家后，我们又逛宜家，购置家具，实在非常开心。家里安顿下来后，老爸还在家当了几天家庭主夫，给我们下厨做饭。弟弟上学，我和老爸上超市买菜，想想真是幸福的小日子。

三月17号，老爸回缅甸了，我和弟弟回归平淡的生活，走之前他还鼓励我3月21号的报馆面试要好好表现。和老爸在一起的时光生活总是那么多姿多彩，让人奋发向上。面试通过了，于是2012年3月26日开始，我正式到联合晚报上班，开始了全新的生活。

It's Almost Time to Bid the First Goodbye

I put in quite a bit of effort to blog because sometimes I feel a sense of urgency, an compulsion to pen down those wonderful moments in my life that I know would be hard to come by again. It's about the feelings in your inner self, when pure bliss and happiness meet the overwhelming realization of how blessed you are. If you understand what I mean :)

That's the urge behind almost every post of mine. My hope is simple, I envision myself going through the old posts one by one, giving them a silent smile as those good old memories flash by in like an old movie.

Wonderful time.

Tonight was one of those times. It's the same bunch of us, with Gin, Nish and Stefanie. Though dinner was what we went out for, the walk around the city is what totally captured the mood. Not so chilly night, four friends walking up a hilly street, each harbouring wild excitement about going home, some doing occasional hop and throwing of fist into the air (me!) because that damn good feeling is simply overwhelming.

Of course when you do that you know that you are having a great time, and having a great time isn't that complicated. A simple meal (albeit very very filling!), and walking up a street and catching glimpses of the entire city lights downhill is just sufficiently amazing. A few compliments from the gals about my new puffy "head-gear" added to making my day (or night!).

A few ideas have been hovering around, like house-hunting for next academic year, and gift-shopping for friends back home. But all are flimsy and short-lived because my whole heart and soul have been devoted to enjoy this pre-departure bliss, undeniably! I'm desperate to take in as much of the city experience I can make during the remaining time here as possible, before I bid my first good-bye.Like a fish gasping for air, I want more more more of Nottingham!

I may sound hyper but this is definitely spontaneous. I've realized this early, and asked myself what I would want to have done before leaving, when the time comes.So I made a list of all the things I want to do before leaving the lovely place (and snuggling under my blanket, typing away on my blog is definitely one of the best of them all!). The time is almost here, and I've done many of the things on the list, like catching up on work, jogging around Beeston and campus, having a lovely meal with the gals.

And of course, like so many times before, I feel very very blessed, and gratitude swamped my heart. Again. God! Every time! (Can't help it!) I AM indeed the lucky one, favoured by life itself, and having more than I can ever ask for.

In the words of my new-found favourite: " 2012 ist wirklich mein Glückstag Jahr! Dies ist, wenn mein neues Leben beginnt."

A blissful and grateful San.

A Glance at the Past Month

As life settled into routine, the initial excitement and sensational feelings quickly wore off. At some moments I find it hard to believe that just a few weeks back I was feeling so happy, so thrilled, to be in a new place. I felt so blessed, always seemed to be in a state of ecstasy. I don't know how much of it remains to stand against the test of time, but I sure need to know the answer to that blissful happiness, and refresh the reasons that made me so happy.

I gave it a little thought, and here are some of the reasons I THINK which made me happy:

a) I was in a completely new place-- exciting in its own right! Plus, it's the place I've always wanted to be!
b) The consciousness of being a Scholar, manifested in realizing how privileged I actually was, now that consciousness has become of how much expectations I am under.
c) Meeting new people! Lots of energy to meet new people, had an open mind about people and things, was very welcoming in general.
d) Doing things in different ways! had the little suite to myself for the first time, enjoyed decorating the room and making use of kitchenette.
e) Constantly seeing new things! even a walk in Beeston used to be so rewarding, and invoked so much good feelings from within.

On the other hand, here are some of the things which make me wonder if I'm living up to my expectations of a happy life:

a) I don't find interest in many things now, each day feels bland and tasteless.
b) Have fewer number of enjoyable conversations compared than in the first two weeks of being here.
c) Making less effort to make new friends and do new things.
d) Communicate less often with families and friends back home.
e) Motivation towards a well-balanced life and to works have dropped considerably.
f) Little emotions and excitement felt as compared to before. Very little things to look forward to.

Phew, the list seems long.Secretly I am hoping that it's just a natural progression as things really started to settle down. However somehow I just feel that I can do better, and things can be better. So far I don't know what's is missing in the puzzle, but I am determined to find out, and correct it. I am determined to get excited about life, to realize once again how much I have been blessed with, and be grateful for it, every single day.

The icing on the cake is that, I always believe tomorrow will be better:)

So, Cheers!

Book Affair: Animal Spirits

---- George Akerlof, Robert Shiller

I have procrastinated on writing a review on this book, mainly because I hardly enjoyed reading it for any of its content to have lasting memory in my brain, and I didn’t have an easy time trying to recollect what I thought to be the gist of the book.Well, I guess had it not been on our reading list I would probably have passed it. Nonetheless, having decided to take reading list seriously, and not wanting to stumble on the first book I picked, it is necessary that the following paragraphs are given attention.

Akerlof is a respected economist who has won Nobel Prize for uncovering the theory of asymmetric information as another market failure, famously known as the “lemon problem”. That makes up for his relative lack of talent in presenting economic insights in an interesting way.

Akerlof and Shiller discuss the themes of corruption, stories, and feeling of fairness, exuberance of confidence and the lack of it, as forces shaping economic decisions or the absence of it. They highlight the importance of emotions and traits essentially tied to human sentiments, as opposed to the conventional wisdom of perfect rationality, in causing economic phenomenon we struggle to explain.

With the backing of experiments and historical data, Akerlof and Shiller are able to explain how our delusional beliefs, vulnerability to stories and the concerns over fairness tend to override economic consequences more than we have given credit for. Markets where such random fluctuations are rampant are obviously infested with “animal spirits”, and they include the stock market (confidence), property market (stories) and financial products (corruption).

Just to be more specific, human beings are forgetful. Contrary to “learning from mistakes”, we are blissfully oblivious of the past, and thus swing to stories and word-of-mouth information. Our delusions

On top of introducing unconventional ideas, the book sheds some light on economic forces that we are already familiar with and have probably taken granted for. For example, the authors explain the reasons why central banks have overwhelming power in the control of money supply. It has never puzzled me that just by withdrawing from and supplying the market with limited amount of money, the central banks are able to influence interest rate. The truth behind this magical trick should be the reward for a curious mind, and therefore, I should not spoil the fun of it.

When exploring the moral ground of current financial products, the authors invoke some reflections of the demerits of capitalism and call for greater regulations in such vulnerable markets.  That people, inherently governed by our “animal spirits”, would be tempted to devise ways to sell snake oil to the unsuspecting when given a chance in laissez faire.

Human beings are forgetful. They forgot how the previous depression started, and end up in another depression just like the previous one. Yet stories live to tell the tales of the past, to such an extent that even in modern time descendants  are still psychologically framed in the context of past sufferings of unfair treatment, upon which their world view and self-identity are built. This explains why there has been stubborn poverty within certain minority group in a society.

Akerlof and Shiller hope that as soon as we start treating those turbulent floods of emotions as part of economic reasoning, we would repeat less of past tragedies, and government would be encouraged to harness that animal spirits and channel them into constructive forces in building a more robust economy.

Mind you, it's just the beginning

No title will capture the gist of this entry, because it’s about the wealth of intense gratitude I have been feeling for the life I’m living now. It’s simply great, more than great, the simplicity of which is beyond the master of my language, the striking effect of which will be with me in a long time to come.

Every now and then, I paused in whatever I was working on, and looked out of the window. My mind will be overwhelmed by the tranquility outside, and the coziness inside the window. My room is the physical representation of the wealth of materialistic and non-materialist privileges that I have been blessed with. It is the epitome of the sweet reward of a journey travelled long and hard. The window overlooking a very British weather symbolizes my access to the education, to the culture and everything UK has to offer here. The books, my laptop and every tool and stationary belonging to me, is the details that complete the reward.

I am literally living my dream.

There was, at numerous occasions, where I visualized myself enjoying life in the UK.  Most of them were self-contained, I dared to dream big. But even the bravest person would not harbor blinding faith. Like many others, I had doubts over whether the dream would really come true, whether my efforts would really pay off. Nonetheless, I must admit these thoughts were quickly dismissed, if they were considered in the first place at all, in favor of my endless fantasizing.

Many of those around me expressed disbelief that I had given up everything I had in chase of a dream that had little hope of materializing. In retrospect, my heart skips a little when I try to reconcile my then brave decisions with the entire situation. The decision didn’t seem to fit very well into the larger picture considering how getting picked up by the PSC was such a close shave, and how rigorous the selection process was.

But I have made it, and for that I am very proud of myself.

It was probably the best decision I have ever made and will ever make in my entire life—being proactive to change my life for the better, and fighting against all odds for a dream I knew I deserve.

An acquaintance I used to work with on a brief project that ended prematurely, whom I haven’t talked to since that encounter, called me a dream chaser. She hopes to chase her dreams one day like how I chased for mine. Closer friends expressed awe and admiration for my brave decision. These were like icing on a cake, such statements made me feel happy because my endeavor is touching the lives of many, even a much distanced acquaintance.

However, I must say that the journey has not come to an end. On the contrary, studying here on scholarship is just a beautiful beginning. Though it’s clichéd, it’s very much true that I have moved into a brand new chapter of my life, and the future will never be the same. Though it’s unwritten, It can only be better than it could ever get. For that I’m very sureJ  I have proven just how hard I have tried for that scholarship, now I am going to show myself all the good things I can make out of my life, my time here and the scholarship itselfJ

Start them early

and drop the assumptions and ignorance on pre-school education

Childhood education, formative years, resources and attention better spent during early childhood than teen. These were the buzzwords I encountered today through two pieces of articles. One was what I read off The Economist, on importance of pre-school education, the title of which I borrowed for this blog entry. Another was an application essay one of my best friends wrote on the problem of orphans and how the society can do better to resolve the issue. There is a powerful link between the two articles and I could not help but paused to think about their common themes put at the forefront of both articles.It is the potency of one’s childhood experience in shaping the person into destructive or “constructive members of society”, as my friend put it. She wants to fight for greater resources and attention on orphans, as she believes childhood is too important to be wasted in the mystery of an orphaned state. We need to rescue as many orphans and as early as possible, the key in them becoming constructive members of society.

Here I must admit my ignorance. I had never thought about the issue of early childhood education in such context. I thought Singaporeans, or just parents in general are being paranoid and pre-school education is a product of our “kiasu” attitude. I despised the idea of institutionalising children as young as 2 or three. I thought it is a sin, not knowing that it is actually, a privilege.

The Economist shed light on how fund-lacking schools in Texas are trying their best to provide state-funded pre-school programmes to children from poor family. Educators and society as a whole recognise the importance of early childhood education in character-building and preparing them for formal education, the key to getting out of poverty.

Indeed, if education is the game-changer for the underprivileged, we want to make sure they don’t miss out because they can’t afford pre-school programmes that give other kids a head start.

But to brand pre-school education as a stepping stone to academic excellence for future education is a shallow thought—my ignorant thinking. It is more about building character, positioning the child in the wholesome and healthy state of mind for more to come.

I have taken things for granted. And some Singaporean parents who feel that pre-school education has been shoved on their faces might have, too. And meanwhile schools in the US are thinking creatively to stretch their thin funding to cover as many children as they can.

Let us all be more appreciative of the programme, and leave no room for assumptions and ignorance whenever education of our children is concerned.

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More of Parental Efforts, Please

Many express concerns that a student-centric, value-driven education model is good on paper but far-fetched in reality. Some blame the society as a whole for emphasizing too much on the academics while others urge the government to scrap major examinations like the A and O levels to make way for a student-centric restructuring of our education system.

I do not think scrapping the examinations will be a solution to dissolve all concerns, simply because their existence is not the cause of current worries. The G.C.E examination models are adopted by quite a number of countries, and many other countries have their own equivalent of such. These exams have not caused as much controversy as they do in Singapore. I honestly think it is more about Singaporeans’ attitude towards examinations than the exams themselves. This attitude can be influenced both by the parents and teachers.

It is always my belief that education is about partnerships, about parents, teachers and schools all playing to their best effort their roles assigned by the system in which we all strive hard in. In this case, opinions tend to focus on how teachers can or cannot adjust to achieve a student-centric approach to teaching. The single-mindedness I have seen is unfortunate, as they seem to have assumed no responsibility on the part of the parents, who are the ones enrolling their children in extra curriculum classes and paying for their children’ tuition fees, and thus contributing to the current academic-driven educational approach we all dislike.  

Though I understand parents’ sentiment of falling victim to the “system”, of playing to the tune of the mainstream, that doesn’t mean I believe it is the case. Parents, more than any other person, can help shape our children’s thinking (result-oriented or value-driven), essentially, it has the biggest stake and biggest say in helping to achieve the desire outcome. Because of this, it is my opinion that parents should do more than they are now, also more than the teachers and the schools.

On the other hand, the system, which comprises of schools and policies, is steering to the right direction, albeit very slowly and gradually. But yes, we are moving forward. Permanent Secretary of Education Policy, Ms Chan Lai Fung unveiled several key initiatives of MOE towards achieving student-centric and value driven education model during Work Plan Seminar 2012. The idea behind such initiatives is that the system actually recognises the need for values, and is trying its very best to put into practice such focus on values, contrary to popular belief.  As such, individuals should align their mentality in accordance with new changes for the whole education process to be truly value-driven. By that, I am referring to students and parents, not only teachers.  

MOE has made efforts within its capability to upgrade individual school, ease schools’ award chase in general without compromising on standard. It has streamlined its school assessment and evaluation model to help schools better focus on developing their students holistically. Sweeping changes were made to the Masterplan of Awards this year. In addition, school banding by academic results has been removed, and in its place, is the incentive by MOE to develop a distinctively niche area of excellence, accessible to all schools.

“Basically, we want to refocus the effort of schools to do the things that would meet the specific needs of their students. And we want to emphasize collaborative efforts that would help level up the entire school system.”
                                                                                                                           --- Ms Chan

With this, MOE has pitched in the first of many initiatives to come, hopefully by all stake-holders of the education of our children. I am sure our teachers will follow suit, as they, more than anyone else, are a lot of change-makers. It signals that it might time for the parents to think of how they, the biggest stake-holder of all, can help to achieve a student centric and value driven education for their children.