Simplicity is the truth

I have finally finally got myself back, through something even I find it weird.

What I used to be or what I finally AM now?

Composed, sharp, intelligent and witty.

Full of smiles and confidence, with finesse and yet down-to-earth air in her strides.

Ale to strike up a conversation and more importantly, maintain it.

Able to take pride in what she is doing, or will be doing.

Able to think intelligently,speak confidently and talk wise thing.

It all boils down to being simple.

I used to be simple, I was not for a period of time, and now?

Back to basics.

It has something to do with that move of selling off my galaxy tab. I reckoned the absence of my dear smart phone has woke me up and restored me to the aforementioned state.(No it's not a joke, I know it sounds ridiculous even to a five-year-old but it WAS what actually happened). by removing distractions and bad moods that came along with the phone.

What I have now is a Nokia 5800, basic device, but pretty good at surprising me. I managed to get hold of some vital if-not-how-am-I-able-to-survive kind of apps, map(though highly underdeveloped), bus schedule(so far valueless as trains is my main method of transport), whatsapp (this is a big deal, a key feature associated only with smart phones, to me), youtube(absolutely cool) and FACEBOOK (absolutely AWESOME).

I've realized, after the tab's gone, that I knew only half of what I installed in my apps, and actually used a fraction of them.

As Fariz said "It's good to be ignorant"

It's only good, it's crucial. In this world of chaos, one where more than one systems run and try to nudge out the others for ultimate triumph, we need to be steadfast, we need to HOLD ON to the basics, know our roots(where we came from) and our destinations(where we want to go)we need to know what we actually want to have as opposed to what the world wants us to have. Too many of the times we are bogged down by the later, forgetting the first. What happened today, was that, I have taken a small step towards finding myself. It's a small step forward, but definitely the beginning of many wonderful stuffs.

I'm starting to love my life and look forward to the future. To tomorrow. I'm satisfied, and it feels damn good to be so.

The rat race

I don't know if this is the life I want, exactly.

These few days I didn't seem to have time to rejuvenate myself, very little private time.

I did have a choice, but with overwhelming influences and distractions it's hard to resist.

How I want now to go back to my PGP, left alone to enjoy the peace and solitude.

loneliness at times can be a very very luxurious privilege that not many people can get.

I haven't been getting it for a long while now, and I terribly need them back.

It's funny how conflicting our insides can get, trying desperately to escape solitude at one moment and then resisting real hard to restore it the next.

where's my mid range? before you realize it, you have already lost it.

1st Teaching Experience

Fariz is kind enough to get hold of a marker for me. Bravo to this young man. He has the most sunny smile I’ve ever seen off a guy’s face. You can’t help but feel at ease with this chap. Fresh out of Junior College and still treating everyone like an angel, in his special way of course. He can be too straightforward and unapologetic for the sensitive souls. That made my day.

Office rule number one, offer your little helpful hands here and there, especially to the newcomers.

First Teaching Experience.

Fariz and I both preferred full autonomy over the class to semi-supervision from the mentor when we are going to have our first lesson, the presence of an onlooker whom you know are out there to observe you put you on your nerves. Of course, they’re there to observe for all the good reasons. I could tell this because it really makes a huge difference having lesson with and without the presence of the mentor.

I had to give an actual lesson to my 3 E1 earlier than planned due to Kah Yang’s unexpected absence from school. He was kind enough to leave me a instructional note on what to do, and sent me a text messages with greater and helpful details. I appreciate the tips.

Secretly, I was overjoyed at first and ambiguous when the lesson time drew close.

Without mentor on 16^th Jan

Rowdy class, agitated students that wanted to go off early and didn't put the slightest effort in trying not to let it show. I had to raise my voice throughout the lesson and still, one student commented “Cher, cannot hear”. *students talking at the back*

“Maybe if you don't talk that much you’ll be able to hear me clearer.” Obviously they didn't see the link and the noise level continued.

My morals fell right through my heart and lungs and small intestines to the floor.

I picked them up and pressed on, finishing the lesson in huge beads of sweat and finally was able to heave a huge sigh of relief.

Feedback from student

Apparently the students at the back couldn't hear me clearly, neither could they see my handwritings on the board. I had a casual interview with one of the girls. They also suggested that I could pay more attention to classroom management in order to produce a conducive environment for teaching and learning.

With mentor on 18^th Jan

Well, the mentor, with his mere presence, had a huge impact on the class. According to Mr Liu, “As a teacher, you need to train them to auto-tune their behaviour to your expectation from day one.” By that standard, my first lesson on my own was a failure. I have failed to establish my standards from the beginning. It would be hard to reverse their impression of me as a soft and submissive teacher and reinsert the stern side of me.

I had prepared as much as I could for this lesson, even jotting down the things I would want to say, and notes I would want to write on the board. I made a sequential note of the things I wanted to say and write, and ran through the list to make sure I covered the necessary content for the particular topic, Standard Forms and its Computation. Mr Liu observed my entire lesson and had several points that he raised with me at the end of it.

Feedback from Mr Liu

In retrospect, Mr Liu was correct in pointing out that in my anxiety to rush through the content in the fear of unlimited time, I have inadvertently overlooked the students’ response and student-teacher interaction. As I have mentioned previously, Bartleyians are known for their shyness in class: they tend to shun away from questions and refrain from asking one themselves. Misconceptions would be masked by the meek nodding of heads, and it would take initiatives from the teachers to really test out the students’ understanding, and more importantly, “to get them thinking”.

Besides this crucial point, here is the compilation of other minor points from Mr Liu:

Whiteboard presentation: knowing when to erase and what to erase, by observing whether students have finished copying or still had their heads burrowed.

Classroom management: laying down the ground rules and getting the students ready in terms of discipline and alertness BEFORE the lesson proper.

Watching out for puzzled expressions and asking thought-provoking questions: a strategy to adopt in dealing with shy students.

An Inspirational Talk with Mr Chin

Two Things worth Penning

1. Mr Chin Khen Theen

He is energetic, he is loud, he is vocal, the most impressive thing is, he is a passionate teacher. When I spoke to him, you cannot help but be moved by his passionate attitude. A P.E HOD at Bartley, he has been there for a decade. You may think, as I have erroneously thought, that ten years is long enough to wear a person out, to erode whatever dreams and passions that remain of a teacher. But you will be mistaken, as I was, when you meet Mr Chin Khen Theen.

"Education is about building relationship, not imparting knowledge." That was the most unforgettable thing he said that remained firmly edged in my mind now. Why is relationship important? I asked, isn't the quality of knowledge and character building more important than relationship?

"Without relationship, nothing is sustainable. Without relationship, everything will be forgotten."He answered. "Knowledge, yes, they'll get it, but one day it will all become nothing, be forgotten. But relationship sticks with them forever.

"I'm still keeping in touch with my Presidents of the Student Council from the past ten years". He grinned. "I'm inviting them for a Chinese New Year celebration at my house this Saturday" His grin grew even bigger.

"Our kids here very very close with their teachers, they are dependent and look upon their teachers for parental guidance". Very true indeed, as I have heard thus far, many parents of Bartleyans make little effort to be involved in their children's education. Parental neglect lead to low esteem level and unquestioning mind. Many of them do not like to question or respond to questions. A typical classroom lesson observes mainly initiation by the teachers, whereas students learn passively and only respond to questions when their names are called. Outside classroom, however, they'll be like a changed person, becoming chatty and sometimes rowdy.

"They fear of being shoot down by their peers, they fear to be laughed at for their supposedly stupid answers", echoed Mr Zhang Yukun, a Physics teacher for my 3E1 class. I assisted him in overseeing the CIP Newspaper Collection yesterday.

The truth is, they can be really rowdy and rebellious, a natural response to parental neglect at home, and their special way of seeking attention from teachers.

"They want to know you care, someone cares ", said Mr Chin. "When they make mistakes, we do go all the way out and punish them. It can be harsh,20 knock it down is very common". But there's no grudge, the students knew we care for them, and they appreciate it. And that's why "I like the school, you have the trust of your students, and the relationships you built, are ever-lasting"

The most challenging thing? to build an influential school culture conducive for learning and has a positive influence over the students, and to be "constantly on your feet"--coming up with creative ways to convey a message or point out a misbehavior.

That was Mr Chin, whose passion has driven him ten years down the road and yet, still passionate about teaching and going on full force building relationships with all his students.

2. About Marking and Lesson Tips

This week I've got the chance to lay my hands on two piles of students' work, from Kah Yang, my Math mentor who is also the HOD of ICT and E Math Teacher for my 3E1.

To me, marking used to be easy, especially for subjects like Maths where the answer is either rght, or wrong. There could be no ambiguity. So after Kah Yang taught me his usual practice in marking, I got my work done in less than one hour. But a few comments from Kah Yang got me thinking.

"What are their common mistakes?"

"Are there any particular students who are weak at a particular field of work?"

I wasn't able to answer those questions very well. Yes I've noticed many of them made careless mistakes and copied the questions wrong, but I didn't start with the correct mindset-that is to learn where the students have gone wrong, whether it is a careless error or a conceptual mistake, which is important that we correct it.

I didn't get much out of my first marking, I did not have the correct mindset. I learned my lesson and started the second time with those questions in mind.

"Is this student consistent in his understanding and application of laws(of indices)?"

"No, he's still making conceptual mistakes, his foundation is not strong enough"

So when I saw a wrong answer, I didn't just put a cross, but went through the students' working, paying particular attention to the step which he went wrong, identify whether it's a conceptual error and penned down helpful comments and hints that would aid the students in doing corrections. For those conceptual errors I spotted more than thrice, I jot them down on a piece of note and made sure Kah Yang know about it and go through them in his next lesson.

It turned out that, you thought you know a lot about something, but most of the times you're deeply mistaken. I know I have a lot more wrong mindsets to be shed, it is a long journey ahead.

1st Day At Bartley

On the way

Woke up feeling very very fresh and energetic, even though it was at the wee hours of the dawn break. Mom ironed my white blouse meticulously the night before, it was a painstaking task to do, and I appreciate and felt her immense support. Thank you, Mom.

Arriving on time, or 15 mins earlier than the required reporting time is always a good thing to do. It kicked start the day on the right note.

A Small Embarrassment

Well, my day didn't REALLY start on the right note, at least not so according to my pants. After consulting with her neighbor and trying her best to be oblivious to the unsightly opening glaring at her, this girl that sat right under my nose during morning assembly at the school hall finally told me in the best tone she could managed that I've forgotten to zip my pants.

Thank you! That explained the giggles and furtive glances in my direction. It was outrageous! Pants unzipped, what a nice way to self-introduce as a freshie teacher! This blunder should be strictly kept as a secret and no human being should ever ever hear it.

Lessons, lessons and more lessons

It appeared, though, that the little incident was the climax of the day. For that, I have to be a little bit more appreciative that the incident sort of "made my day". As for most part of the remaining time, I went through one lesson after another.

My first subject mentor, Mdm Guan Jing, is a nice and experienced lady. I'm really lucky to be assigned to her, following her around for different classes (she's in charge of 4 classes, one in each level). That exposed me to a wide spectrum of student types, ranging from students of higher caliber and students that are not-so-bright. It was very extreme in terms of abilities in learning and mastery of the Chinese Language, between classes, aside from the fact that they are pegged at different levels and notches. There is noticeable gap even WITHIN the same class. As a result, it was really impressive how Mdm Guan tailored her teaching styles and lesson plans to suit each individual class, even each individual student.

There were nuances in the delivery of lessons, if one is careful enough to pick up the differences in tones and words used. For example, in the Sec 1 Normal Academic class, Mdm Guan was generously tolerant of students' blatant mistakes in reading. Instead of correcting them immediately, she was very generous in giving praises. "That was excellent!" "Among the four of you that have read the passage just now, XX and XX were the loudest, let' give them a round of applause. The rest of you should learn from them". I could tell she was working to build a close rapport with the students, and to create a trustful environment for learning where mistakes will not be penalized. As Mr Foo Meng Cheng has pointed out during the training, such environment is vital in eliciting the questioning minds and creating a conducive platform for the exchange of opinions and knowledge.

When speaking with the 4E students, however, her attention was on pushing the weaker students to catch up with the stronger ones and encouraging them to make a final dash for A levels. The rapport was clearly noticeable as the students felt really comfortable talking to her about their future, several topics where touched on, and I was ignorant enough not to know this Chinese Language Programme offered by Ngee Ann Polytechnic to nurture young Chinese teachers for Primary Schools. The 4E lessons were free and easy, and Mdm Guan gave the exceptionally strong students much autonomy in term of deciding how they would like to spend their lesson time after finishing a piece of worksheet. Before I could go on for more observations, the lesson was interrupted by announcements regarding the release of the O Level results. The class was so excited about tomorrow's day off that it was impossible to gather their attention again and continue the lesson.

As for Kah Yang's E Maths lesson at 3E1, it was a pleasant surprise to see Xie Feng there. One of the biggest lessons I've learnt from Kah Yang's lesson was that, Maths teacher really really need to know how to be calm and cool-headed, and clear and concise in her explanations. Blunders and mistakes are a no no. It should not be tolerated as solutions are black and white,there's no grey area so no room for blunders. Furthermore, students would lose their trust in you after repeated mistakes.

Mistakes

Talking about mistakes, there were several mistakes I've made along the way. The first would be not taking the initiative to offer assistance. Well, I did volunteer to follow Mdm Guan on classes that I'm not assigned to, but it was rather passive as I sat at the back of the classroom jotting down notes. I did a good job by getting some work from Kah Yang to mark, but could have done better by asking Mdm Guan if she needed me to do anything on her side as well.

Another thing was that I was late for Kah Yang's Maths lesson as I've misread the time to be half an hour later. Such blunders were intolerable, once again, as both teachers and students run on a tight schedule and whatever time there is should be fully utilized for effective and constructive learning.

My first day being a teacher has exposed several tendencies in me that needed urgent attention if I want to strive to become a good teacher.

Encouraging words

However, it's only the start of the journey, and I have plenty of opportunities for me to absorb and learn, to adapt and change. Some encouraging quote I've received today:

If being good isn't working - try being outrageous.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.
- John F. Kennedy

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard

This above all, to thine own self be true.

- William Shakespeare

The ending note

Wind up at Gary's for an injection of confidence-boosting sense of satisfaction from teaching Gary. I felt totally rejuvenated after a long, tiring day.

Gary, so far still remains my favorite student.

Good night world.

On becoming a Teacher

Tomorrow will be the start of a new journey.

It's my first step towards becoming a teacher. I feel...rather excited and at peace. What I'm expecting now is a highly predictable and routine period, doing something I immensely enjoy, and hopefully immersing myself in a new environment where I would meet new people, learn a few new things and gain some insights into the life of a typical teacher.

One of the things I did to signal the beginning of a new journey was to clear out from PGP. I painfully erased every single trace of me ever been there. My memory of the days spent there was rather fragmented, as I didn't feel I belonged there as most of the time I was distressed over the wrong choice of course. Well, one of the things I am NOT good at, or pathetically suck at, is to enjoy doing something I dislike. Sometimes I can be rather extreme and irrational, as in, looking at things from a rational or pragmatic perspective in a cool-headed way, I would just do it and press on for the sake of its objective merits. Unfortunately, I am not mature enough to master and practice that skill.

So I checked out of my hostel, and took the shuttle bus to tour around the campus for one final time, examining the little details of the place I had lived for the past 4 months, though half-heartedly. At 9 plus, the campus was quiet and tranquil, just as it was on the night I arrived.

I left just the way I came, just that this time with one or two new found knowledge of myself. To sum up, my short stint at NUS has made me more self-conscious, in a good way. I now know how unprepared I am for an independent university life. To be honest, I still feel that I cannot fully cope with uni, there are many questions I have yet to fathom and many shortcomings I have to deal with. The experience has revealed them, raw and conspicuous. They are screaming at my face, they are there, staring into me, trying to put me down every single day, but no, I'm not giving up. I need to press on, and fight the evils residing within me. NOW.

Bartley will be the first step. The first step is always the hardest to take, but I'm making a promise to myself, that I'll be proactive and be excited about the small things in my new life.

My First Encounter With Cambridge

To be more specific, it was with Cambridge Wolfson College's Dr Church, Dr Allington (who gave me a subject interview) and Dr Scott and another lady(who gave me a college interview) whose name I have sinfully forgotten (It never did go into my mind I guess)

Well, to sum up, it was a disaster.

Lets do it one thing at a time, the college interview.

General questions were asked, some of which I have expected. One of the questions was asked twice, once in each interview, but by different person. The first question asked was "what was the motivation for you to study Economics".I didn't take that question well, and did not answer along that line. It was such a straight forward and simple question, yet I did not express myself in a way I wish I have. I blurted out how I did not intend to study economics and took up Business in NUS for three months and withdrew from the school after realizing it was a massive mistake. My psycho state was like a child confessing to the parent, I guess the admission tutor must have felt that as well. Come on, it was a top school and you are telling me you'e coming here just because you don't like your old school? well, maybe I think about things too much in general. But I was so guilty about holding this truth that I felt I must tell her immediately at the start of the interview.

We proceeded to discuss about my experience in general. How I have moved to China, then to Singapore. How difficult it was for me to adapt to Singapore. I said that besides the language barrier, people in general think differently. I talked about the rule of law and nepotism. compare their governments a bit, and concluded that corruption and nepotism could be traced back to ancient days. It may sound impressive here, but hey, all the while I was stuttering and at some moments, gave long pauses and could not find the right word to express myself. The admission tutors were really nice, they got my point and rephrased it in a coherent sentences with the correct adjectives and words.Twice. but the more they did that, the more I came to realize my linguistic incapability. so I ended up agreeing to my own point rephrased by them. that was demoralizing.

Another question to note was "describe a time in your life, in which you were faced with obstacles and persevere for your cause". I didnt expect this one coming. But I did discussed it with Zijing before, and thought through it a little bit. It was a psychometric interview question that he had with a psychologist from DDI. So I answered that, no problem. The only problem was the stuttering and incoherent speaking.

I didn't know whether my sentences make sense.I felt like a retard rambling incoherent stuff. The whole ordeal lasted for 20 mins. And I ended up asking a stupid question. (wanted to knock myself over, really. It could never be worse than this)

Now the college interview. Now that I realize, the questions were asked to test, not test one's knowledge of economics, but whether one possesses the naturalist mind, whether one can THINK in terms of economics, and apply economic analysis to questions.

The theories tested were cost and benefit analysis, demand and supply analysis, market structure and rationality.

It started off with a question on the oil prices. Oil prices have risen 25% over the past 12 months, and I had to account for the rise. I talked about supply and demand. Dr Allington was kind enough to direct me to the demand of oil by developing economies such as India and China.

Then we moved to Cartel and their sustainability, based on OPEC. It was simple questions, and my thinking was too complex to see the question as it is. What he really wanted to hear was anti trust laws on national level that outlaw such cartels within nation, but international organisation like the OPEC IS sustainable as there's no international law outlawing such a formation. This part was where Dr Allington gave me lots of hints and help. He made the answer really obvious and I would be a total retard if I failed to realize the hint.

Well, I nearly was.

The next question was very interesting, though intimidating and really caught me off guard.

It went something like this: if the life of a person is given a statistical value, at what point of time would that information comes useful. the keyword? HEALTHCARE. I didn't get that and helped me by literally giving me the answer, it was staring at my face.

Then we had another scenario, this time a sailor drown in the sea, it would cost 2 million to save him and his life is worth 1 million, would you save him. I talk about morality. but was lost for words when he asked me to compare the sailor scenario and the healthcare case, with much help again, I nailed it and said the sailor's life value is not statistical. Dr Allington was cheerful and humorous, and I think he was desperate for me to get the gist, and when I did, he couldn't help but exclaimed "exactly, the sailor is a known person! it could be someone we know like San Win" Arghhh.

After all these questions, I was dying within. Hands sweating and morals completely down to the lowest. The interviewers were lovely though, Dr Church and Dr Allington, they took turns to say good bye and wished me Merry Christmas. How sweet, I just wish I have performed better, instead of wasting their time on a busy day like this.

Afterwards, the adrenaline rushed off and I fell into a daze.

Well, it might be more appropriate the change to title of this entry to "my first and last encounter".

Good bye Cambridge. I'm sorry I didn't do better.