On becoming a Teacher

Tomorrow will be the start of a new journey.

It's my first step towards becoming a teacher. I feel...rather excited and at peace. What I'm expecting now is a highly predictable and routine period, doing something I immensely enjoy, and hopefully immersing myself in a new environment where I would meet new people, learn a few new things and gain some insights into the life of a typical teacher.

One of the things I did to signal the beginning of a new journey was to clear out from PGP. I painfully erased every single trace of me ever been there. My memory of the days spent there was rather fragmented, as I didn't feel I belonged there as most of the time I was distressed over the wrong choice of course. Well, one of the things I am NOT good at, or pathetically suck at, is to enjoy doing something I dislike. Sometimes I can be rather extreme and irrational, as in, looking at things from a rational or pragmatic perspective in a cool-headed way, I would just do it and press on for the sake of its objective merits. Unfortunately, I am not mature enough to master and practice that skill.

So I checked out of my hostel, and took the shuttle bus to tour around the campus for one final time, examining the little details of the place I had lived for the past 4 months, though half-heartedly. At 9 plus, the campus was quiet and tranquil, just as it was on the night I arrived.

I left just the way I came, just that this time with one or two new found knowledge of myself. To sum up, my short stint at NUS has made me more self-conscious, in a good way. I now know how unprepared I am for an independent university life. To be honest, I still feel that I cannot fully cope with uni, there are many questions I have yet to fathom and many shortcomings I have to deal with. The experience has revealed them, raw and conspicuous. They are screaming at my face, they are there, staring into me, trying to put me down every single day, but no, I'm not giving up. I need to press on, and fight the evils residing within me. NOW.

Bartley will be the first step. The first step is always the hardest to take, but I'm making a promise to myself, that I'll be proactive and be excited about the small things in my new life.

My First Encounter With Cambridge

To be more specific, it was with Cambridge Wolfson College's Dr Church, Dr Allington (who gave me a subject interview) and Dr Scott and another lady(who gave me a college interview) whose name I have sinfully forgotten (It never did go into my mind I guess)

Well, to sum up, it was a disaster.

Lets do it one thing at a time, the college interview.

General questions were asked, some of which I have expected. One of the questions was asked twice, once in each interview, but by different person. The first question asked was "what was the motivation for you to study Economics".I didn't take that question well, and did not answer along that line. It was such a straight forward and simple question, yet I did not express myself in a way I wish I have. I blurted out how I did not intend to study economics and took up Business in NUS for three months and withdrew from the school after realizing it was a massive mistake. My psycho state was like a child confessing to the parent, I guess the admission tutor must have felt that as well. Come on, it was a top school and you are telling me you'e coming here just because you don't like your old school? well, maybe I think about things too much in general. But I was so guilty about holding this truth that I felt I must tell her immediately at the start of the interview.

We proceeded to discuss about my experience in general. How I have moved to China, then to Singapore. How difficult it was for me to adapt to Singapore. I said that besides the language barrier, people in general think differently. I talked about the rule of law and nepotism. compare their governments a bit, and concluded that corruption and nepotism could be traced back to ancient days. It may sound impressive here, but hey, all the while I was stuttering and at some moments, gave long pauses and could not find the right word to express myself. The admission tutors were really nice, they got my point and rephrased it in a coherent sentences with the correct adjectives and words.Twice. but the more they did that, the more I came to realize my linguistic incapability. so I ended up agreeing to my own point rephrased by them. that was demoralizing.

Another question to note was "describe a time in your life, in which you were faced with obstacles and persevere for your cause". I didnt expect this one coming. But I did discussed it with Zijing before, and thought through it a little bit. It was a psychometric interview question that he had with a psychologist from DDI. So I answered that, no problem. The only problem was the stuttering and incoherent speaking.

I didn't know whether my sentences make sense.I felt like a retard rambling incoherent stuff. The whole ordeal lasted for 20 mins. And I ended up asking a stupid question. (wanted to knock myself over, really. It could never be worse than this)

Now the college interview. Now that I realize, the questions were asked to test, not test one's knowledge of economics, but whether one possesses the naturalist mind, whether one can THINK in terms of economics, and apply economic analysis to questions.

The theories tested were cost and benefit analysis, demand and supply analysis, market structure and rationality.

It started off with a question on the oil prices. Oil prices have risen 25% over the past 12 months, and I had to account for the rise. I talked about supply and demand. Dr Allington was kind enough to direct me to the demand of oil by developing economies such as India and China.

Then we moved to Cartel and their sustainability, based on OPEC. It was simple questions, and my thinking was too complex to see the question as it is. What he really wanted to hear was anti trust laws on national level that outlaw such cartels within nation, but international organisation like the OPEC IS sustainable as there's no international law outlawing such a formation. This part was where Dr Allington gave me lots of hints and help. He made the answer really obvious and I would be a total retard if I failed to realize the hint.

Well, I nearly was.

The next question was very interesting, though intimidating and really caught me off guard.

It went something like this: if the life of a person is given a statistical value, at what point of time would that information comes useful. the keyword? HEALTHCARE. I didn't get that and helped me by literally giving me the answer, it was staring at my face.

Then we had another scenario, this time a sailor drown in the sea, it would cost 2 million to save him and his life is worth 1 million, would you save him. I talk about morality. but was lost for words when he asked me to compare the sailor scenario and the healthcare case, with much help again, I nailed it and said the sailor's life value is not statistical. Dr Allington was cheerful and humorous, and I think he was desperate for me to get the gist, and when I did, he couldn't help but exclaimed "exactly, the sailor is a known person! it could be someone we know like San Win" Arghhh.

After all these questions, I was dying within. Hands sweating and morals completely down to the lowest. The interviewers were lovely though, Dr Church and Dr Allington, they took turns to say good bye and wished me Merry Christmas. How sweet, I just wish I have performed better, instead of wasting their time on a busy day like this.

Afterwards, the adrenaline rushed off and I fell into a daze.

Well, it might be more appropriate the change to title of this entry to "my first and last encounter".

Good bye Cambridge. I'm sorry I didn't do better.

The journey that made me

As I reflect on my childhood, the incidents that took place over the years, under the guardianship of my mother, I am starting to realize how wrong she was in the way she brought us up.

Ironically, she did not exactly have a "way", because all she did was to leave us on our own and expect us to make something out of ourselves. Let me first describe the various aspects of my childhood that would reflect how my mother has interacted with us.

Education

Most of the time, she was very indifferent to our performance in schools, though for a few brief periods in primary school, she did discipline us in homework. Being strict was one thing, giving us the reward to work hard was another. I cannot recall, pathetically, a single occasion where she had praised us(me and my elder sister) for anything. Not even once. Being very bitter that I obviously am now, I cannot erase this particular incident out of my memory: I remember once in primary 5. I got a perfect score for my maths paper. Well, that was quite an achievement for I was really an average student back then carelessness was one of my biggest shortcomings (Well, it still is, along with many other similar traits such as forgetfulness, OMG I'm only 20 pls) so reasonably, a perfect score was a rare feat and I was timidly proud of myself (Had she given me some encouragement, I could be really, truely proud). But too bad she didn't.

I must paint a picture of the scene.

Mother was playing Mahjong(as she did most of the times in my childhood in China) as I reached home. I showed her the paper and told her about the score, expecting something(maybe a hug/kiss/ecstasy like a normal mother would show towards their child's success).

"What is it?" eyes fixated on her tiles of Mahjong obviously wasn't giving me or my pathetic 100 mark paper screaming "HEY!!!LOOK AT ME!!!!".

"I scored full mark for my math paper!!!" still very excited and haboring hope that she would give me some positive response.

"Final exam?"She asked.

"No its a mock exam" I answered, starting to feel disappointed.

"It's just a mock paper, what is there to be proud of?" She answered. Totally callous, ignorant, oblivious to my feeling, her voice was literally oozing loathe and disgust. To her 10 year-old child.

I was devastated, dejected. (But quickly forgot about it, for I was so used to this kind of treatment I quickly brushed it off my mind. My sister and I weren't brought up to make demands, to stand up for our cause. We have been conditioned to be meek, and accept, to comply. Really, her response couldn't be more normal to me. I sort of expected it anyway.

Till this day, I cannot fathom why my mother was so stingy on giving praises and compliments, in those crucial years of our life that all we needed was assurance, a nod with a encouraging smile saying "Yes you can", a pat on our shoulder saying "Don't give up". Even that was a luxury.

Results? We had zero self-confidence. Most of the times we feel insecure. My sister often complains to me about her look, about how she thinks other people are eyeing her in trains or buses, about how she's afraid people will judge her by her looks, ext.

That, is a blatant legacy of my mother's failure to give us enough love, care and attention during childhood. Yes she satisfied our physical needs, fed us, bathed us, literally brought us up, gave us the physical things we needed (with my father's earnings), but as far as emotional support and psychological health, it's just zero. No story telling, no sharing of our dreams, our goals, or encouraging us to adopt some.

Well, I guess I have not stick to my original plan of writing, but it does not matter anyway.

Unfortunately, this shortcoming of my mother has found its way to me. It IS, I cannot deny, my shortcoming as well. I did not know the art of complimenting others though I understand now important it is in relationship-building. Unfortunately again, that was not the only one. My mother was pretentious, and sometimes even outrageously meek and submissive, in her attitude towards certain elders of her side of family. She shows a lot of respect in a very very rigid manner, out of the self-imposed knowledge of her non-existent inferiority. There is a terminology to it: "inferior complex". She often demands us to replicate how she has treats the elders, and me being the most compliant of all three children, quickly learnt her air and became submissive and docile. I also effortlessly inherited her pretentious manner.

I never ever reveal my true feelings to people around me, for I always think my opinions, my feelings, my thoughts are worthless, they deserve no body's attention.

My mother had a great part to play in resulting this, in the inferior traces and characteristics residing in my soul.

I'm sorry for letting the worst of me show in the following words, but still,

"I hate you for this"

A moment of truth

I had a dream, a very messy and chaotic one.

Well, to begin with, I was not supposed to sleep in the first place.

I was suppose to be studying, for the upcoming M.E test, and also to prepare myself for the Cambridge Interview, to prepare myself for the BIG DAY.

My mind was always wondering away when I'm studying, and when it's not, sleepiness took over. With this kind of efficiency, it's hardly gonna lead to to anywhere.

No fantastic score,no scholarship, and I have just killed the opportunity to study at Cambridge with my own bare hands.

The truth is, a lot of forces are playing within me: inferior complex, the inability to reconcile between what I think I should be and what I ACTUALLY am, the uninspiring patterns of everyday life. To be able to state all these, I acknowledge their existence, but I also acknowledge that each and every one of them was a result of a series of mistaken steps taken on my part. So I'm obviously the personification of Argentine throughout the 20th century.

It is simply horrendous that one is able to see the truth crystal clear and is unwillingly to take actions towards that truth. I'm well aware of my shortcomings, and and know exactly how they are hampering me, obscuring the future and all. I know exactly what to do to achieve those great things in life, yet I remain stuck in my old ways, living my life lavishing on those virtual dreams that keep pulling me away from reality. My feet are no longer firmly rooted to the ground, and I feel like running away from a place when I have barely sat there long enough. Future seems so obscure, I'm not sure I will make it there one day.

Another truth is, it is simply so hard when you are all on your own. Once again, you dont have to feel this way. Isolationist as I've always been, the road ahead must traveled by me and me alone.

张惠雯说

这城市整饬、狭小、闷热而潮湿。在这里，人所面临的最大问题不是生存的斗争、恶劣的环境、社会的不公，而是活力的衰微、爱情的丧失、人性的倦怠和漠然。

久违的幸福

现在的我不想睡觉，只想安静地享受这个宁静的夜晚

疲惫的身体，但是安宁的心灵。没有比这个更让人感到踏实的结合

在过去时光里囤积的物品，被我们遗忘在房间的某个角落

当它再一次撞进眼帘，好像穿越时空一样来到了今天

回忆如潮水，被反锁的昨天顿时被打开

然后耳环带着昨天和昨天的我，重新占据了我空无的躯体

终于，在经过了漫长的干枯，我的躯体重新有了重量

把房间排满熟悉的东西，就像一片一片地重新拼凑自己

Lost

feeling extremely lost. I just couldnt focus on the tasks I'm supposed to do. I spent hours day dreaming and thousands and thousands of random/irrelevant thoughts raced through my mind. I either run around the city or stay at home rot all day long.

Life has never felt so dead before.

Johnny's giving me another problem. He's barely sleeping, waking up in the middle of the night to play that stupid game of his, ending up sleeping for less than 3 hours a day, according to what he told me.

Broken families, rebellious and hot-tempered teenage brother. stressed out school. my life's in such as mess. the only thing I feel grateful about at times is the fact that I still have someone to spend time with. someone I want to spend my time with. Even that conviction is feeble. I have asked myself this question thousands of times before. but never got a conclusive answer. at times I say yes, while sometimes I have to say no.

Just could not make up my mind. and could not stop complaining about life.

University life sucks to the CORE. my life plunged into a whirlpool of problems/stress ever since the start of the school.FML. being miserable every.single.day.