Accepting my Nature

Since I have come to Singapore, I have become socially awkward in social situations. I was never like that before. When my friends ask me, what is my favorite place out of all the cities I have lived in. I always tell them, Shanghai. Because that was really the bests time of my childhood, a period when I had the most confidence than ever before, very sure of myself. Those days were so care-free. 

My mom not being with us was a major bonus. Because she was not a very nurturing or encouraging mom. Not having her around to scold us and dish out harsh words was really a strong boost to our self-confidence. Thinking about it now, I really love my time there. I was being myself, enjoying life and making friends without the slightest conscious effort- a task that feels almost impossible to me now. And I want to cure myself of this "inefficiency". I hate the feeling that there's something lacking in my life, I don't find many things satisfying, and the worse thing is, I often don't find my life satisfying. 

I looked it up, keying in all the symptoms that I am feeling, into google. Google told me quite a few useful things: 

1. There are many people out there, feeling out of place in social situations, just like me. this is reassuring :) 

2. It also provides some possible explanations as to why I am the way I am. 

    Inborn nature - I was always very sensitive to my environment. I retrospect, as a kid I can recall faint memories of me feeling melancholic, or anxious about things. 

What was I so anxious about? why was I constantly worrying? I want to know the answer. I think finding these answers would be the first step to cure myself. I want to be active, I want to live a care-free life, I want to be confident. But subconsciously, I also think it is impossible for me to get there. It seems so out of reach, it kills my spirits. 

I think this is a good start to know myself better, and also to treat the problem. Right now I am learning to accept the fact that I have the tendency to feel awkward around people. I must also remind myself constantly, that I should not worry about it, or try to fix it. 

The human brain is such a complicated thing. Mine especially. It is definitely configured in the weirdest way! whoever made it must have made a mistake somewhere! I am ultra sensitive, ultra conscious, think way too much, and worry a lot more. 

最好的相处方式

我觉得我们都没找到最好的相处方式。
不见面的时候想念，见面了却讨厌。
不愿意付出的原因是什么?
曾今愿意为你赴汤蹈火，现在？ 心冷了，觉得就算自己做了，应该也只能带来短暂的热火。
但是生活是需要长长久久，细水长流的。
外面的世界，外在的一切，都不断在改变。
只有热诚的赤子之心是永恒。
我却一直感受不到，感情中朴实无华的那种永恒。
似乎我们对彼此的情感，完全只有出于对外表和装扮的冲动。
我们最后一次被对方的诚实，善良，努力或者坚强感动到，是什么时候？
慢慢的，觉得我们更像陌生了很久的朋友。
当然人的情感本来就是个复杂的东西，想再多，又有什么用？

11月15日

初恋

原来，初恋对于女生来说，会永远有一个属于他的位置，一个不可取代的位置。我现在终于明白。

辗转几遍，心里最爱的，竟然还是最初的那一个。

这让我好难过。 难过我们没办法继续走下去，更难过也许我再也不会遇到另一个可以让我爱得那么投入的人。

我甚至害怕！ 害怕自己再也不会爱了。。。不会再对另一个人有怦然心动的感觉。

以前的那些美好回忆，和他的信，直到今天依然让我流泪。因为回忆已经不能重演，而信，总是把我拉回现实。心，不会撒谎。可能我需要承认，爱得越深，才会这样不舍。

但是现实世界里，我们无法继续。我们的故事，也许只能是过去式。

How it Hurts

I am having this nervous attack again. It'll come all over me, in waves, during which my heart feels like it's being pinched, at regular interval. This happens whenever I confront my relationship, in a way to admit that there's something wrong with it. 

Things seem ok if I choose to be blissfully ignorant, but I do find myself brooding over the things he's done which hurt me, throughout the day. They hit me with sprouts of mild depressions every time I think. And I just cannot take my mind completely off these things, because le brain just switches to this mode whenever it's not occupied. Here am I having a relaxing holiday, so I have lots of time to spare, and lots of time to torture myself this way.

It is a wonder how another human being can inflict pain on you without having to whisper a word, or be physically near you. Because  you  can do the job entirely on your own, and the trigger lies within you. 

下一站，幸福

生活因为爱而美好

爱 无法强求

只要有人给予 我都愿意接受 欣然接受

纵然失落 也要抬头看看未来

爱一定会再次 以最不经意的方式 降临在我们的身上

不去怨恨 不去质问

有时爱的消失 如同它的出现一样 自然 

年輕意味著什麼？

這次的台灣之旅讓我收穫了一些東西，其中比較觸動我的，是台灣年輕人的活力。

在我看來，他們身上，除了台灣人普遍擁有的“拼”的精神，還閃爍著一股特有的生命力。讀書只是出頭的其中一種方式（到處可以看到xxx補習中心的招牌），很重要的一種。但慶倖的是，它在台灣絕不是唯一一種。還有許多年輕人，為了音樂，為了自己的創業，或者其他的愛好，穿梭在茫茫人海中。

這裡有一千零一種活法，無論你的愛好是什麼，總會有屬於你的天堂。 愛動漫，有宅男可以光顧的書店 （像誠品書店這種就比較大眾化）和主題咖啡廳，而且像One Piece 這種著名的漫畫還有它自己的主題展覽。愛藝術，到處都有大大小小的藝術展覽和文化活動。愛音樂，更有很多主唱歌手站台的酒吧活大型演唱會可以去。。。。總之，如果你是個愛生活的年輕人，那麼台灣真的是個很棒的地方。

而且台灣年輕人真的有兩把刷子。因為這個社會的包容性，（讀書並不是王道）他們是比較偏向于多才多藝的一群人，每個人都是鮮明的個體，沒有一窩蜂地選擇埋頭苦讀這一條枯燥的道路。

有些人的故事，真的有鼓舞人心的作用。

看《康熙來了》，主題是如何創業，邀請了許多有失敗經驗的年輕人來分享。顯然他們當中沒有誰讀書很棒，可是每個人都有很明確的目標，雖然失敗了，可是並沒有一蹶不振。其中有人又玩音樂（甚至出唱片），又自己創業，創業沒有維持下來，但是音樂卻一直在經營，同時籌備著東山再起，一直沒有放棄自己當老闆的夢想。

這樣的精神真的很棒。從他們身上，我覺得自己走的路，除了平凡，還過於按部就班。

思想還是停留在初小上學的階段，讀了中二讀中三，讀了中學才可以上高中。以這樣的邏輯，那我上了大學，才可以工作，而履行了六年合約后，才可以出來創業。在這個過程中，我忘了很重要的一點：年輕就是本錢。年輕人有的是體力和精力，按部就班的調調，本來就不需要去遵循啊！  這個階段的人，應該吃得了苦，可以同時兼顧雙份，甚至三份工作，因為說實在的，讀書真的是一份很輕鬆的工作。當然如果一個人希望通過努力鑽研得到成功，那就必須腳踏實地地研究學術，不能花心。

去台灣學到的東西

又回到了炎熱的新加坡，很巧的今天上Facebook就看到了朋友發的狀態，感嘆在台灣旅行時候感受的熱情。

是啊，回坡了，好像頓時少了什麼。

少了那股熱情，少了社會裡面人與人之間的互相理解，博愛大愛的精神，還有普通台灣人為生活拼搏，奮鬥的身影。這些元素，很難同時存在于一個地方。大陸人，某些夠熱情，但是缺少了和諧社會和博愛精神。新加坡，社會夠和諧，可是在人情味和拼搏方面遜色了很多。在我生活過得地方中，可以與之相較的就是緬甸了。

台灣離不開小吃，但是台灣美食之所以能夠享譽世界，種類繁多，我覺得和台灣人吃苦耐勞，愛拼破，愛創新的精神分不開。

在其他很多地方，吃是次要的，年輕人很少願意委屈自己，為一個小吃攤位打拼。可是在台灣，一個小小的魚圓店就是動輒三四十年。一代又一代。而且為了保證質量和口感等，往往願意耗時耗力，親力親為，意在做出讓客人滿意的食物。這種對品質的追求，真的很難得。

不管老小，在小小的店裡，靠自己的那雙手，為食客煮，炒，煎，烤。因為是自己的店，做起來當然就特別努力，即使再辛苦，也不會忘記對顧客微笑，儘量滿足顧客的需求。我們第一天晚上去吃滷味，看到老闆低頭慢慢地熬煮滷味，大汗淋漓的樣子，我心裡就會充滿感動。吃的時候，就會想起老闆的辛苦。要知道7月的台灣是非常非常熱得，他悶在又熱又小的店面里，多而不容易。當時那個畫面給我很大的震撼，導致當天晚上我久久不得入眠。那是一種為了生命力，一種頑強的態度。沒有無奈，沒有抱怨，沒有“身不由己”的疲憊感。

激勵到我的，滷味店的老闆。大部份時間都在低頭熬煮，可以想像一天下來脖子會有多痠痛！但是他完全沒有疲憊感，笑容可掬的樣子，很可愛呢。

類似這位老闆的台灣人，還有很多。他們有阿公阿嬤類型的，也有年輕創業型的，但無不努力地經營自己的小攤位。

反觀新加坡，在這個行業里，創業的少，創新的更少。為自己的店發奮努力的，更是很難遇到。所以小吃來來去去就是那幾樣。而店裡面站著的，大多都不是創業者，而是為別人打工的。因為不是自己的事業，不盡全力是理所當然的，服務態度不好，也司空見慣了。能偷懶就偷懶，能請假就請假，不論是哪個行業，新加坡人抱有一種心理，就是不佔老闆的便宜，偷個懶，利用一下公司的福利，就虧待了自己。偷了懶，又買了乖，才有賺到了的感覺。久而久之，好像做任何事情，都不再是為了自己，走到哪裡，都有上司，有老闆，我們的一言一行，都有一個Big Brother 在監視著。所以很多事情，不知道是發自內心，還是害怕被抓到把柄而做的。那是一種無法掙脫（或沒有勇氣掙脫）奴隸般的窘境。

在台灣，在捷運里主動讓位的年輕人，應該不是受到類似Stomp這類輿論的威脅，或是受到民眾在各大報刊輿論版的投訴信的影響吧？

賣手工炸豆腐的是一對老夫婦，60歲左右的樣子，阿嬤負責煎炸，阿公負責端盤打包。老老少少都在奮鬥哦！

Taking Stock

It's been two months since my last entry, and I'm sure the most predictable thing to say next will be: so many things have changed.

Talking about change, here's a line that is going to be my favorite for a long time. "We perceive time passing through change- seasons, aging, things like that. So to expand our time on earth, we must incite as much change in our lives as possible."

How simple, yet so true!

No wonder the past couple of months feel longer than ever. Well I didn't like all of the changes, cuz I didn't choose all of them . I was first thrown into this dark whirlpool of pain and heartbreak. But at the end it all turns out well, they end up teaching me many valuable lessons, many part of me, my new traits, my thinking and attitude form from reflecting on that period of my life. And...not forgetting the beautiful tattoo it's given me the reason to get! Whenever I become aware of it (sometimes you forget that you've gotten one), it lights up a little inside. :)

The nice changes that I chose to incite, are to be more loving (what my tattoo reminds me to do), forgiving, understanding, open-minded,  basically to have a big heart! Also, I've gotten into the habit of eating healthy and working out on a daily basis. It's the physical part of cultivating beauty! I believe the good things will ensue once you put yourself in the happy, grateful state of mind, and a fit physical state. And so far, I'm right.

Relationship wise, it's more amazing than ever, we are getting closer every day. Friendship wise, I've gotten much closer with Nishi and Stefie. Well, trust is one of the things I learned, it is the most important ingredient of lasting, rewarding friendship that brings so much joy, love and meaning to my life! (Secretly I'm doubtful if I would remain an active blogger, because I've learned to share my heart and soul with friends and loved ones...that blog might have to stay aside for a while  )

Work wise, I've learned to find a greater purpose to the things we call work: academic work, revising for exams, part-time job ect. It's definitely one of the ways of life, a path to find this evasive thing we call happiness- that is to find meaning behind everything in life- the good, the bad,the blessings and the curses:)

Next up in finding happiness: to put in that effort for revision!

妈妈的心情

妈，在搞莫
妈妈说 在做衣服
我问妈妈 缝衣服 给哪过？
妈妈说 给我自己

知道妈妈现在过着平淡的生活
做做衣服 养养花 我好欣慰
因为这份平静 来得太不容易

现在的我  终于能够了解 妈妈当时的心情
当你爱的男人 不爱你
当你爱的男人 爱上别人

就像硫酸 浇过你的心脏
腐蚀你的血和肉以后 散发出令人窒息的浓烟
封住你的喉咙

然后闪电般的 带走你躯体的温度
让你蜷缩在应该温暖的房间里
颤抖
颤抖
颤抖

现在的我  终于明白 妈妈当时的煎熬
竭斯底里和疯狂的背后 站的是一个失去了爱的女人
她有多疯狂 她就有多卑微
她有多极端 她就有多脆弱

理智 成了被困在痛苦中的俘虏
只有时间  才是她的救赎
一年 两年 三年
一天 两天 三天
在昼夜交替之间
在一呼一吸之间
她苦苦撑着

为的就是重拾那份
对生活支离破碎的信心
然后好好的活下去

Doing and Saying

Recently I've been thinking about this theme of connecting with people. The question I'm curious about is what leaves a greater impact, one's actions or words.

For a long time I believed that doing is more important than saying, or actions more important than words. (it's been my mantra, like a guiding principle, and caused me to make some mistakes in relationship and...just life in general).

The reasons I took up that firm belief were:

1) I did not always feel confident "talking" to people. 

Well honestly there were many times when I felt intimidated by the situation for no obvious reasons. Normally in this "mode" I wouldn't want to talk, and couldn't engage in a group conversation. My brain just shut off and I lose the ability to entertain people and be entertained.

That normally happens when I'm trapped with colleagues in a small space (people I'm not close to but know I'd have to spend a lot of time with). I felt uneasy and awkward in the sense that if I feel that they're not interested in talking to me, I'll quickly feel disheartened and won't take the initiative to talk to them. Very passive in a way. Yea.

This bothered me a lot, because I thought I wasn't out going enough, I'm anti-social and this and that..I got quite carried away so much so that at the back of my mind I kinda always had this feeling that people don't like me.   So as a way to make myself feel better I always told myself it's ok, what you say or don't say doesn't matter, it's what you do that define you as a person. Sure it did help take those worries off my mind. I stopped loathing myself constantly, and instead focused on doing things that make me feel good about myself, like doing more work in a group setting.

At the end of the day, I do want people to think good of me. And I still care how people think of me. Though definitely not as much as before. 

2) People are forgetful. 

Not that they really forget, but people's feelings change, circumstances change. We not only change emotionally and psychologically within, but also change in response to our surroundings, the people and friends around us. We get influenced by friend and family and happenings all the time. So there can hardly be anything uttered by the mouth,  that can forever seal in the state of something. 

That's why I don't believe in promises (relationship-wise), things like 非你不娶 or 我认定你了. And I don't think guys who say these and later break up with the girls are 负心汉. Simply because any such phrases should not be held accountable. They only hold true when they are said, but not necessarily after. It's like breaking up the present and future, and looking at today and tomorrow as distinct, separate time periods. Every period is fresh, new, and independent of one another.

I'm sure they mean it when they say it. But so many changes happen that it can be very far from the truth afterwards.  A lot of things that we say, belong to this category. 

So I told myself, what I say will be quickly forgotten, let me not be bothered by my inability to say nice things. Just focus on doing the nice things (for others and myself). 

For the past two months of so I realized I've put too little time in connecting with people the right way, and instead spent too much time immersed in work. Studies and house work. Always in a rush, always doing something. In the process of "doing", I missed out on a lot:

Things like just focusing on the person talking to you, thinking of ways to engage him/her, to ask interesting questions or give helpful advice--basically just giving your 100% to connect with people. 

过去的已过去 未来的还未来

这句话 是他给我寄的第一封 也是最后一封信中的一句话
每当夜幕降临 我都会好想念他 或者说 想念我们可以变得更好 更恩爱的可能

脑海中出现的画面并不是回忆 是  我们曾经有过非常美好的回忆
但是那是当初的当初 人是健忘的 有许多事情随着时间的流逝  已经记不清

过去的两年多 聚少离多 即使同在一个城市 缺鲜少分享对方的生活
就像接触频繁的过客 一期一会  总有一个人要对另一个说 拜拜

现在记忆犹新的 恐怕都是糟糕的东西
对方做的不好的事  说过的伤人的话

慢慢 因为过多的消极 感情失去了平衡
分开 似乎成了最自然的东西

我后悔的是 或许我们都可以多做点什么 但是我没有

我想拿起一把螺丝刀 乘着时光机回到过去
修修这里 修修那里
把扭曲的地方 矫正 把那些皱褶  烫平
或许那样 我想象中的可能 真的会成为现实

但是我无能为力 因为过去的已过去  还未来的未来 我们还是会分隔两地

为什么难过

当我环顾四周，这个曾经有过你的空间，我会感慨、会难过。我用想象把虚幻的你，放到我的房间里，想象着如果你看到我现在看到的一切，你会发现我许多可爱的小细节。你会发现我是个值得疼爱，值得拥有你的爱的一个女孩儿。

可惜，有些事只有在已经成为过去式之后，才会变得清晰。而有些人，只能面对这些事，看着事看着人走进回忆之后，才努力变得更好、更动人。

那些坏习惯，那些阻碍过我们的糟粕，只有在我们转身离开后，才从我们身上脱落。曾经它们是多么顽固，现在发现，不过如此而已。

但无奈的是，就算我渐渐蜕变成一个你会更爱的我，我们已经不在一起。你无法品尝到我重生的心，就像河水永远无法知道，在它滋润过的土壤上生长出来的果实，是什么滋味。河水自顾自地奔向遥远的方向，但，这不是你，毕竟你不是离开的那一个。

谁都曾经是青涩的果实。我们互相咬到了对方最苦涩的那一口，痛苦和伤害，就像许久都去不掉的残留，钻到舌根上只能灰溜溜地走。

可是当彼此渐渐成熟的时候，最终把我们摘下的，却已经不是当初的那一个。

Preparing for PSC Scholarship Interview

I had my PSC scholarship interview two years back in March 2012. I understand that it can be one of the most nerve-wrecking interviews faced by hopeful scholars out there, and that there isn't much being shared by people who have gone through them, that's why I'm writing this, in time for the new interview cycle.  (I myself sieved through the Internet for advice, couldn't find much).

Instead of telling you the specific questions to "prepare for", I'm gonna generalize it because, a) obviously they won't ask you the same question, they might, but very unlikely.  b) for you to see the pattern and apply to suit your own case.

You know you'll be faced with 7-8 interviewers, with mainly 2-3 taking turn to ask questions. Your interview should last for 15-20 mins. 

During that time, be prepared to: 

1) Take ANY question that concerns you.

It can be anything associated with you that's reflected on your "report": your choice of uni, country of study, choice of career (most important of all), and even..your background. Every interviewer has pieces of paper laid out in front them, you can imagine what's on there. If they know you've got volunteering experience, it's likely that they'll discuss things relevant to that. This is especially likely if volunteering happens to be the highlights of current affairs at the time. 

what they asked me 

As I was born in Myanmar, the first question they asked after I barely sat down was "Which is the first country that Daw Aung San Su Kyi visited after her release from house arrest". Myanmar's opening up was a hot topic at the time, so it's kind of expected. I can discuss the topic at ease, but the question nearly caught me off guard because it's so specific, I was able to answer it only because I read the news paper at the reception while waiting for my turn. It was on the first page of TODAY, I didn't even had the time to flip. 

Yea sometimes it's luck. It's impossible to know the answer to every question, and the interviewers know it.  So when you don't know the answer, my advice is to be truthful. That's what I did. "Sorry, I don't know". They would want to see how you react to questions you have no answer to. So this lady gave me hints. (the same lady who asked about Aung San Su Kyi ), with her help I got the answer, it's like educated guesswork.  You can make it work for you, by showing that though you've no answer to that, you know the topic enough to make an intelligent guess. Even if it's an incorrect guess, you've demonstrated your ability at rational thinking. :)

2) Take questions on current affairs...

...even if they are million miles away from your field of interests. Of course they're more likely to ask you questions that are relevant to your experience in JC/CCA/Uni course, that is a given, but what differentiates PSC interview from a Ministry interview is this bit. You need to demonstrate that besides your field of interests, you pay attention to what's going on around you in and outside the country, the topics that might arise in the interview vary, depending on your profile. So be prepared to talk about it:) 

What they asked me

the expected: 

At the time of my interview, the euro-zone sovereign debt crisis was unfolding, two days before my interview France elected a new President. Since I wanted to study economics in the UK, they obviously pitched on Europe, we discussed the topic for no less than 10 mins :  why Greece's defaulting on its sovereign debt, France's new president, whether the election will help solve euro-zone's problems..etc. To be honest, a few minutes into the interview, I became rather comfortable and actually enjoyed the discussion. I'll tell you my way of preparing for all these. 

The unexpected:

The expulsion of Bo Xilai, a former Communist Party chief(薄熙来)!! I didn't see this coming at all but did know roughly what happened. So yea, prepared to talk about anything really.

3) To challenge the given 

There isn't a rigid formula, that you must say no less than two sentences to challenge the view of the interviewers. There's no answer to what you should say, when to say it and how. It's hard to strike a balance so you don't come across as overtly defiant. Here you need to trust yourself and rely on your instincts and the social self inside you. They'll ask for your opinions on a few things, as they did me, you need to demonstrate that you are able to think critically, approach the question from another perspective and so on. 

What they asked me.

(with relevance to Bo Xilai's case)     "Is he really wrong? why are many Chinese officials still paying him visits after his arrest?  (he gave a figure)"     I said something along the line of : Is that figure really representative? I just think that Chinese politics is complicated, what we observe may not reflect the underlying intentions. 

4) to discuss your decisions

This is again a given, but it's best to seriously think through them beforehand. Why that uni? why that course? why UK/US/Singapore? Why public service? Not only the big but also the small questions.

I felt  good about my interview because: 

a) I was being honest with my answers. I was honest to say "I don't know" to questions I couldn't answer, also to tell them that I've applied to another private scholarship. They did delve into that and asked why I chose that particular career and what I think about the two (Teaching for PSC). Be truthful about what you think & how you feel. 

b) I was being myself. It wont do you good to pretend like someone you are not, this is true for all interviews in general, not only scholarship ones. 

c) I engaged myself and tried to enjoy the discussion. Don't assume that they are out there to catch you, take their questions as a way to get to know you as a person, then trust yourself and answer them such that your personality, your interests/passion reveal themselves naturally. 

d) I was not trying hard to impress.  Talk only how much you know, especially topics that you are't so sure about. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, if you try too hard to impress on everything, including your weakness, you might lead them into thinking that's your strength and go in-depth on the topic.

What I did before interview: 

It's something we all need to work on, not telling you to "study" for interview, just so that you prime yourself nicely and be ready to shine!  :) I've picked up some advice from someone while researching for my own interview on the net (A big thank you to that unknown soul!), just want to share so more people can benefit, as they've worked for me. 

a) I didn't read much newspaper, instead I tuned in to news channel..

.. when I was at home doing my own random stuff (like cleaning up my room). Because...reading is boring, and I cannot absorb much by reading. Also if you realize, newspaper articles are meant to give a lot of details, date, time, quotes blah blah blah. We might lose focus and in our Kiasu spirit, try to cram in the unnecessary bits. On the other hand, TV channel delivers the news to you in smaller, more concise chunks, in a sweet and friendly female voice that's also appealing to the ears. You can absorb more with less effort! Channel NewAsia is a good option. My favourite is Phoenix TV (凤凰卫视) cuz that's what my dad used to watch every single morning. It's literally the noise backdrop of our household. If you're at home let the news rolling 24/7, the recurring topics they keep discussing on the TV will eventually stick to your brain. (Hopefully)

b) I blogged. 

This I picked up from that unknown soul on the Internet, I'm still thankful to him now. You don't necessarily need to blog, at the time I was already blogging so I naturally used it as a platform.  It's good to write about the decisions you've made, the experiences you've had, concerning your past/future, uni/courses, anything and everything. The process will help you sort out your thoughts, and solidify certain abstract things. In a way, you're finding the answers to those interview questions through reflections. So when they day comes, all you need to do is articulate what you already have in your heart. It's best if you can start doing it one or two months before hand. It's a good habit anyway so I didn't do it only for the interview:) 

Last Piece of advice 

I feel that the biggest take away from my interview is that, you can never perfectly prepare for any interview, and the best preparation you can do is to know yourself, inside out. Some questions may seem simple and the answers straight forward, but perhaps it's only until you give them serious thoughts would you know why certain things are the way they are. 

Good luck!  with lots of love <3

A late discovery

I always seemed to be doing things so quick, everything. Like daily chores such as cooking, laundry, or even moving myself-I almost always walk faster than whoever happens to be walking beside me.

It’s like I’m too task-oriented. Finishing things was all that I wanted (but also disliked) doing. I neglected the feelings bit. Now I’m starting to appreciate the beauty of taking it easy, taking it slow.  Regrettably it could’ve happened earlier.

It’s been so long that this habit of wanting results with a snap of the fingers, it has become part of me. It defines every aspect of my life, my work, relationship, social life…I can see now that it’s the reason why certain things are they way they are. Especially the relationship bit.

This trait that’s so deeply ingrained in me, has a lot to do with the growing up experience. 

To go back in time, the first time I heard someone pointing out to me that I was always anxious about things, always seemed to be in a rush, was when I was 13. Such innocent tender time, what’s there to worry about? Well, that’s when I relocated from Shanghai to Singapore, an unsettling experience where I felt totally out of place, unwelcomed and depressed.  Since then I’ve lived by on my own, without parents, with no family. 

I grew anxious and worrisome, because no one’s gonna watch my back. I have to do every single thing by myself. Even today when I look back I cannot believe I’ve gone through so much all on my own, the most crucial ten years that’ll shape a person’s  character and world views.

Circumstances needed me to be strong, to be independent, to think ahead of times and to take up responsibilities prematurely.  It’s like if I wasn’t sleeping, I would be trudging, pulling and tugging and sweating and panting, just to put pieces of my life in what I believed to be their rightful places, so that my life will sail forward, like a small tiny boat overwhelmed by the unpredictable but powerful sea, that was the future.  

Through storm and tides, the lonely sailor must sail the boat forward.

Here I am today, strong willed, independent (too independent to appreciate the value of relationship which is inherently mutually dependent). I’m still subtly anxious when reality doesn’t meet my expectations, and worry endlessly about the unforeseeable future. 

I couldn’t help myself.

But it’s time for me to change, for the better.

I know I no longer need to worry about the future. Because the future has taken form, it's become the present. And because time has blessed me with experience and the coming of age has endowed me with assurance. I’m no longer a powerless kid.

I have perfect control over my future, through my actions. I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed all the times anymore.  And the best gift for myself is to allow myself to do things slowly (or don’t do them at all if I don’t feel like J  ), to be weak occasionally (it’s ok, or even good sometimes to be the weaker party) and let time and nature take their course.

Move slowly, so as to better appreciate the sceneryJ you’re only here briefly, so follow your heart and don't let your worries consume you. J

Letting Go

That person, with whom you have shared so much memory. Be it pain or bliss, regardless. 

Imagine him whispering songs into your ears in a cold winter. Imagine his warm arms and shoulders, his bear hugs from behind.  Do it for the last time. 

His hug was always firm and tight. That you can’t ever forget. And the wharf of warm air around his neck, how you loved to sniff around there, as if by doing so you can keep a part of him inside you, fusing your souls together through your nose.

You never want to let go, it’s taken you so long.

But now the memories are all that remain. Oh how it tortures you. It rips you apart and then leaves you breathing with one wretched heart and two burning eyes.  So this is how a break up is supposed to be, searing and painful.

But then you guess you are somehow used to it. So many times before you have cried and agonized, for reasons no one can ever remember now. 

After this you gather your feelings and poise yourself to move on, maybe to break down again at the sight of anything related to him. Then you fall back into that miserable, muddy pit. Then the process repeat itself. 

You stumble as you try to walk out of it, but keep going anyway. One day you'll make it. And all that will really remain will be beautiful memories.

With no pain:) 

How to Stay Sane with Social Media

I write this for myself. To remind myself because I tend to forget.

 In a time where one is connected to other people's life through many forms of social media, it's hard not to notice the differences in your life and that of others. They get shoved in front of our faces, pictures, words, all screaming "Hey look at me, my life is wonderful!" It seems to me that to live differently takes more courage. You would want what others have, it's hard to convince yourself you have enough, or you need not be like that.

But the truth is, we really need not be like everybody else- follow the mainstream, live in a way that is defined to be "successful"or "meaningful".

You live the way you want, and do the things you deem worthy. It's hard, but the following steps will help you as well as me fight this social media jealousy syndrome.

Three levels of Specialty 
I see everyone as having some specialties within them-- maybe I am better at seeing the good than the bad side. Some people invest big bucks in physical things to make themselves feel good, often in clothes or gadgets. But to me this is the lowest form of "specialty", and I will tell you why.I do it myself, but not to the extent of making it a specialty of me such that people will associate the idea with me. These things can be expensive yet they are extremely cheap: anyone with money can claim them theirs in seconds. That's why the idea of having a wardrobe full of designer clothing won't appeal as much as having read a shelf of books.

The next level that really earns my respect is possessing knowledge in a particular field. It can be anything: anime, culture of a small tribal society or even recipe on cooking a particular dish. These knowledge not only enriches the mind, but some even have practical value. Its worth also lies in the fact that it takes time and more effort to obtain- no one becomes an expert overnight, and you sure cannot get it with money. People with knowledge is also a pleasure to spend time with, they normally have wits, and make enjoyable conversations.

The highest level of specialty is being a master of a particular skills. It can be break-dancing, cooking, playing a certain instrument or speaking a foreign language. These take years and years of learning, refining and perfecting. Doing it like a pro is definitely not easy. Its worth as well as that of possessing knowledge lies in the fact that both are latent. No one sees you have it until you reveal them yourself, but even then, simply knowing you do empowers you.

Know Your Strength 
Thinking about my strength always helps me stay clear of unhealthy gravitation. We all oooh and aaah when we see others enjoying life, we want to do what they can, we want to have their specialty, sometimes we lose ourselves in jealousy, even envy, or impulse, and gravitate towards gaining those specialty. But, soon you'll find that it's so hard. What awaits us is probably a sense of defeat, because we are not as good as others in doing those things.

So before you gravitate towards those things, look at yourself. Think long and hard.

Ask yourself, what am I good at? What am I best at? That will probably help you steer clear and focus, more than any thing else.

I've always believed I'm good in languages. I picked up Mandarin literally within days when I was 6, having just arrived in China from Myanmar. When I went to Shanghai at 11, I spoke like a native soon after. Of course I wish I could stop being an idiot when it comes to understanding my econometric notes, but  I'm not disheartened for long. I'll think: "but that's not my strength, I know my strength!"

Know your strength, and work on it. Don't look back!

Mind is Eternal, Keep it Curious
The only thing that cannot be taken away from you, is not your wealth, your possession, but your mind and your skills. It does deteriorate with the passing of time- skills getting eroded and memory fading with time, but still, nothing other than time can take them away from you.

The overall idea of this piece of entry is that, invest in your brain, not your materialistic worth. The best way is to imitate the children - be curious.

Keep your mind keen, and curious, and you shall never be bored again!

Surround Yourself with the Right People 
Now you know how to classify specialties into categories, the next step would just be to surround yourself with people of higher level of strength. I'm not proposing that you should discriminate people based on what they can do, I'm just saying you should be aware of the benefits and drawbacks of having certain types of people around you.

People with low levels of specialty tend to spend a lot of  money into beautifying/ glorifying their lives with materialistic things. Unless you enjoy doing that yourselves you would hardly feel comfortable with them around. You don't want to have to deal with this "social media jealousy" every time you see he/she shares some new pair of designer jeans he/she bought on Facebook.

On the other hand, people with skills/knowledge are more likely to be interesting and down-to-earth. They are usually keen to learn in general, and are great companions in travelling and having conversations with, because they are not only resourceful but intelligent!

This New Babe in 72 Hours

As a follow-up to my camera hunt, a model that I wasn't considering popped in front of me. The newly released Canon Powershot G16. I've been doing research for a week or so now. Had my eyes on Sony RX100 but unfortunately John Lewis' offer is over and it's gotten back to the original price of 399. Without a good bargain, I have to reconsider my options.

Canon's G15 caught my eyes, after hours of research I decided that's more or less what I need: compact enough to travel around with, well-built with a chic look that I like. (As compared to the sleekness of RX100, I prefer that the G series has a tint of old-school feel to its build). ZJ helped in making that decision too, G15 for me that is. Unfortunately, or fortunately, not many stores in Singapore still carry the model, since its successor, the G16, has been released in Oct.

It looks like this:

One thing that really captured my attention is the star mode and other night modes that come in this little camera. The effects are stunning!(well, at least based on the videos I've seen). It produces this galaxy-like dreamy effect which I guess every girl would like to imagine or use as a backdrop. 

It can also shoots Timelapse in this mode, producing a rotating realm of stary stary sky. It's absolutely amazing! And seriously had I brought this little babe to the Christmas Dinner that night I would be sitting here admiring pretty photos already! 

Just look at these!! 

The right hand side photo was taken with a "star trail" mode, it captures trails of star that is otherwise invisible to the naked eyes!

I am by no means even a amateur. But I do want to take quality photos of my trips. I'm not a gadget person and have always relied on ZJ or Johnny to pick my devices. But I am quite sure this is the camera I am looking for. Cannot wait to take quality photos of scenery along our Europe trip!

72 hours to go! and 8 days to go for the trip! 

The End of the Term....Well, almost

I have been on a shopping spree recently, buying all the necessary (and non-essential tag-alongs) for the Europe-trip. From Amazon to Sportsdirect and Lightinthebox.com, I've spent 200 pounds plus on winter warmers and other clothing. Received my giant parcel from Sportsdirect, probably containing the most items at one go out of all the online shopping I've done. Very pleased with the quality of every single item, the fact that I got them all at a bargain is just awesome.

But then, it doesn't really make me happy, this shopping thing. Towards the end of this month, I've lost most of my concentration to various things. I like going to socials and dress up once in a while, I absolutely adore the idea of hosting dinner at home or going out for a movie night. All these I've been doing the past two weeks. Since ZJ's arriving in a week's time, and we gonna start our Europe trip next week, it's also hard not to fantasize about the near future, hence, losing grip of the present.

Looking back, October was probably the best of my prime time. I was very focused throughout the entire month. Kept pace with work and did a lot of reading. I want to regain that kind of concentration, and just hold it out till the official end of the semester. In times like this, blogging helps me to become more settled. Writing down my thoughts always makes me see things clearly. To comb through all the thoughts swirling around my little brain, sort them out into places, and take things one at a time.

These pictures are from last night's Christmas Ball. Again I like it because for 10 quids we had a lot of fun. Can't help it, I luuuurrrve bargains! I feel like the whole place was like a giant crystal ball, but with black background. and dinner was served under those millions of glittering stars! That reminded me of a youtuber, to use her youtube name here is very apt: Sprinkle of Glitter!

It's absolutely stunning to walk into a starry place!

So dinner was absolutely fantastic. The girls danced quite a bit and really enjoyed themselves. That's why I thought it was a good night (everyone was happy:)) The only downside is that my humble phone couldn't capture the beautiful things I saw. Well, many friends from the course were there too, all dressed up and looking extremely pretty. I didn't snap a single photo with them on my phone, well, didn't bother to after taking these pictures on arrival. The outcome was very disappointing. Like the picture below, the light was glaring  at some parts and really dim at others. Just not what I saw with my own eyes.

 That's why, I'm seriously thinking of getting a dedicated camera, to take good, quality photos.It'll also be a good investment to take photos when I'm travelling. Currently have my eyes on Sony DSC RX100, one f the best advanced compact around the market. Plus John Lewis is having an offer, I might grab it before the trip!

That's more shopping. My purse is bleeding....

What to Do if You Only Have a Day in Hallstatt.

I need to write about this urgently because very soon I will be going on another trip to Austria and Hallstatt is not part of the winter itinerary. Plus I would be writing so much about travel experience that this might just keep getting pushed aside.

For this blog entry, I will sort of mesh my travel experience with information about the place, and small tips on where to eat and how to plan a perfect trip. 

So what do you do if one only has one day to visit Hallstatt?  

The tip is always to arrive there early. Hallstatt is around 1.5 hours away from Salzburg, and best time to visit is early morning when there are fewer tourists. To any tourist, the biggest drawback of a place of interest is always too many "other tourists". Hallstatt is a tiny place so very soon it will be overwhelmed, it's easy to get crowded there. So if you want to see some local folks going about their daily chores (some wearing traditional Dirndl/Lederhosen), arrive there early! 

I took a connecting bus from Salzburg HauptBahnhof to Bad Ischl, a small town between Salzburg and a cluster of other touristy villages. From Bad Ishl I took another bus which takes people to Hallstatt in two stretches. The scenery along the way is simply amazing. I saw many many guesthouses dotting the vast grass plains on the sides of the road, many of them adorned with colorful flowers. The advantage of taking train on the other hand, is that the last stretch of journey will be a ferry ride which takes people from Hallstatt train station to the town itself. So you get a stunning view of Hallstatt from its lake. Obviously I did not try this, and most other tourists appeared to have taken bus as well. In any case one can always hire a boat along the banks at 8 or 9 Euros per hour. 

the scenery is much nicer than this, but unfortunately I didn't take any except for this one which was us overlooking the Hallstatt lake.

Hallstatt is a tiny town, so one day really is enough. But you need to plan your day well. Once you reach, take a snapshot of the bus schedule posted on a little stand at the coach bay. Keep in mind the timings of the next buses so you can plan your trip accordingly. This is because there are some attractions you might want to visit that are located else where, and buses run at an interval of 1 hour or longer, so you don't want to miss it. For example, the famous Dachstein Ice Cave is only a 10-min-ride from Hallstatt, and last entry is at 4pm something. It's also a good idea to check up on the opening times of all attractions to help planning your trip. I missed the salt mine because I didn't plan my trip properly and couldn't make it to the last admission time. 

Besides these two places, there's also six or seven other small "attractions" to seek out. The more prominent ones include a Kirche (Church) wedged half way up the Hallstatt hill, and its little museum. The rest are drop-by places that you can just hang around and move on. Once you arrive, go to the visitor center and grab a town map with all places mapped out for you, including WIFI and toilets. 

Other than sight-seeing, some of the things you can do is:

(1) Send a postcard! There's no lack of souvenir stores and you can find a nice little postcard very easily. The post office is on your left if you walk from the coach bay towards market square. 

(2) Buy a scoop or two of ice cream! there's a nice little ice cream shop on the right side of the same road leading into town. When I was there they sell one scoop at 1 Euro. Freaking cheap and delicious ice cream. Texture was almost like gelato- elastic and slow to melt. 

(3) Visit the second hand shop and buy a thing or two! As I said there are many souvenir shops along the main road but those are exorbitant. If you just turn right into a shabby looking lane, you will find a garage-like shelter on your right, there you can pick up any thing from old book to rusty oil lamps. I picked up two Donald Duck cartoon books, in Deutsch, yes, in German to practice my tongue. 

(4) Walk all the way inwards till the end of the town. The layout of the town is elongated, like a banana curving around the hill. Many tourists hang around the first half of the town and their seldom venture beyond church and market square. But that's actually where you can get a different view of Hallstatt and its symbolic clock tower, which can only be seen from the coach bay or a boat on the lake. 

This is important as my favorite travel picture of all times was taken from that spot. There is a reward to walk a little more beyond the norm, folks!

Keep walking, all the way in and turn around and look back, Hallstatt's little surprise! 

This is less flattering, not only because of lack of filter but also at this angle, the clock tower can be seen, but is too far away to make a good shot!

(5) Just watch the local life go by.
Besides tourists there's not many people to watch. There were some people who appeared to be Austrians, at least they spoke Deutsch, but I was not sure if they are residents of Hallstatt. I was fortunate enough to see two local chefs roasting a pig. Having tried Schweinhaxe myself, I know how tasty that roasted pig must be. So I sat there watching them go about their business while munching on a kebab.

By the way, Schweinhaxe is pig's throttle, a typical Bayern delicacy:)

As a Year 2 in Uni

It is becoming very easy for me to slip into this endless wondering of the shortness of my time here in the UK. The happier I get, the more I tend to think about this. Because I want the happiness to last. It's always good when the realization hits me,because then I know I am having a good time. 

Sometimes you do need tell tale signs to reveal the meaning behind things. It's gonna be hard, without them, to judge if doing x or y is really worthwhile? 

Strangely, many people I've talked to expressed the same feeling that time is passing them by too quickly. I guess it didn't hit on us how quickly first year has passed until we came back from a long summer holiday and return to uni as second years. The usual comment is "I didn't do much last year!". And suddenly everyone is doing something, society work, volunteering, travelling or internship-related stuff. The biggest difference for me is I only did travelling and that's pretty much it for last year, but this year, I am taking on more responsibilities. Almost doing all of those aforementioned things.

Nishi put it just right. As a freshie you are excited but nevertheless have your reservations. We did bits of this and that but nothing grand. As a second year you claim ownership to your uni life, both academically and in terms of knowing the physical environment, and you sort of feel comfortable perching on more important positions. 

In the past month alone, I've spent my weekends to the following cities doing the following things:

1) Norwich 
Spent the whole weekend there and sorted out a few things before Uncle left for Shanghai

2) York
Spent a day touring around the pretty city. Nishi and I went to the Shambles, River Ouse, Museum Garden and Clifford Tower. Of couse it's a worthwhile trip, having photos taken in a beautiful place is a bonus plus the weather was on our side.

3) London
Woke up at 4 am in the freaking morning, caught a train to London and came home feeling totally exhausted. But all was worthwhile as the Singapore Seminar I went for was by far the most engaging and stimuating seminar I've ever been to!

4) Warwick
Another conference day with speakers. Topic was the Emerging Market, with a few sub topics being energy, breaking into the emerging markets and growth.

I have not been terribly busy but the time I spent was all fruitful. Among other things we celebrated Nishi's and Stefie's birthdays:) went to watch the Bonfire on Guy Fawkes Night. Fireworks were so beautiful!!  I have been putting off writing this new entry but knowing that I will only get busier in the upcoming weeks with the training for Inspiring mentor and monetary presentation, I have to wrap up the experiences over the past month properly before moving on. 

To end it nicely here's a good news :

My application and interview for Inspire Mentoring progamme has been successful! I do look forward to working with young people in the local area:)

Giant Teddy Bear we saw along the Shambles in York

Sitting along the bank of River Ouse

On top of Clifford Tower. We paid 3 pounds plus to get up here but it's worth it as the view was scenic!

Very happy to have caught his smile! Many street artists I have seen but he is one of the most creative ones so far! 

Basking under the sun along River Ouse

Pictures don't tell a thousand words here. Only a video can do justice to the beautiful fireworks but sadly I have neither the skills nor the internet speed to upload one ;)